Of course, the only thing that could have been better than learning that information was having Ryker admit that he was still in love with me. Over the years, especially after the time passed when I was supposed to have called him, this small part of me thought he would reach out to me and try to reconnect. When he didn’t, a big part of me was crushed because I believed he had given up on me.
Despite how happy it made me knowing Ryker had stayed true to his promise to me and never stopped loving me, I was confused. My confusion had nothing to do with understanding how he felt about me or how I felt about him. That was all very clear. I felt a bit bewildered about what to do now. Fourteen years was a long time, and I had a feeling we both changed a lot. I didn’t think it was possible to just fall right back into where we used to be.
For that reason, I felt immense fear. And the fear was comprised of so many different things. I was terrified that Ryker might want things to pick right up where they left off. Certain I couldn’t do that, I was afraid that I’d lose him all over again.
So much time had passed without any conversation between us. The only words that were spoken came from Ryker. They were the gentle whispers telling me everything was okay and not to cry.
When I’d shed all the tears I had inside me, I slowly pulled back and looked at him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I dipped my chin.
Squeezing my hand, he said, “I feel like we’ve got a lifetime of catching up to do. There’s still so much to talk about. But I really don’t know where to start with any of that.”
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“I do know one thing, though,” he declared.
“What’s that?”
“I can’t live another day without having you in my life in a way that’s permanent,” he shared.
“Ryker—”
“Agony,” he stated, cutting me off. “I’ve been in agony for fourteen years without you, Scarlet.”
I hated that. I hated that for him. And for me.
But I still couldn’t do it.
“Ryker, I’m really sorry, but I don’t think I can give you what you want right now,” I confessed. “Too much has happened.”
His fingers tightened around mine. “I know it’s a lot,” he started. “I understand we have so much to work through. I just need to know you’re mine again.”
Part of me wanted to tell him that I’d always been his, but I was convinced that would only give him false hope.
“Please listen to me, Ryker,” I pleaded with him. When I felt confident I had his full attention, I explained, “I need time to think about this. I’m not saying there’s no hope, but I can’t just hop right back into this with you.”
A wounded look formed on his face. “What can I do?” he asked, the tension in his tone indicating he wasn’t taking this very well.
“What do you mean?”
“Sweetheart, I’ll do anything to be with you,” he proclaimed. “I just need you to tell me what you need.”
Swallowing hard, knowing I was going to hurt him, I answered, “I need space. And time.”
“Fourteen years wasn’t enough?” he asked. Half a second later, his body suddenly froze. “You don’t love me anymore, do you?”
“I do,” I instantly assured him. “I do love you, Ryker. So much, I can’t even begin to tell you.”
“Then I don’t understand,” he replied.
Offering him a sympathetic look, knowing that not only was this going to hurt him but also that I had to be honest, I shared, “I don’t trust you.”
His body jerked as he pulled his hand away from mine. “What?” he wondered, the hurt in his voice with just that one word breaking my heart.
“I’m sorry,” I lamented. “But I need to be honest with you. I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart again.”
For the first time since Ryker walked back into my life and for the second time since I’d known him, Ryker’s eyes became wet. It was easy to see how hard he struggled not to break down, and I hated that. Unfortunately, I needed to protect myself.
“I understand exactly how you feel right now, Ryker,” I began again. “Because it’s precisely the way I felt when you ended things between us all those years ago. It kills me to think I’m inflicting that same kind of pain on you. But this is where we are. I never wanted you to leave me. I begged you to stay with me. Pleaded with you to take me with you.”
A single tear escaped, and he swiped it away before it could roll down his cheek.
“You left me. When I needed you the most, you left me,” I shared. “I never imagined you would ever do that to me. My heart was broken for a long time after that. It still is. I just need some time now to think about things. It’s been so many years. We don’t even know each other anymore.”
“I’m the same Ryker you’ve always known,” he replied, his voice a deep, husky growl. “I work as a mechanic at LT Motorsports. I’m still close to my parents, and I have a group of guys I work with that are my best friends. Above all else, I’ve been madly in love with a girl since I was sixteen. And I know I fucked up, Scarlet, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get that girl back because I’ve thought about her every single day since I walked out on her.”
He was slowly breaking my heart. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
He didn’t stop. “If I could go back and change it, I would,” he started again. “No matter how hard things would have been for us, I’d never walk away from you. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I know that. I’ll regret doing that to you… to us… forever. But you can’t tell me this, Scarlet. You can’t tell me that’s all I get. Only three years with you. That’s all that I get in this life?”
Why did he have to say it like that? That was horrible. Even I didn’t think that was fair. He deserved more than three years of happiness. I just couldn’t ignore the voice in my head telling me I needed to take this slow with him for the sake of my own heart.
I knew the kind of woman I was. If I didn’t proceed with caution, I’d get completely consumed by him. I’d let my guard down. And he could hurt me again.
As much as it hurt me to hear him with such despair in his tone, it would hurt far worse to lose him all over again.
“I don’t know,” I finally answered. “I just—”
Ryker shot up off the couch. “I’m not accepting this,” he clipped. “If you want to pretend you don’t care and that you don’t love me anymore, do it. I know better.” Pointing his finger at me, he stressed, “And you know better. This didn’t work before. If you felt even half of what I did over the last fourteen years, you know it doesn’t work. Because even though you wake up every day and accomplish things, some great, you feel dead inside. Nothing means the same as it did when we were together.”
He started walking toward the door, and I panicked. I didn’t want things to end like this. I didn’t want us on bad terms.
“Ryker,” I called out as I ran after him.
Stopping in front of the door, he turned to face me. He said nothing. He stood there, waiting for me to speak.