My eyes well with tears as her words penetrated.
What I would have given to know that Ryker still loved me.
I took in a deep breath to stop myself from having another meltdown, hugged Elise, and watched her walk to her car. Then I did just as I told her I would. I paced the room, took deep breaths, and frequently looked out the window for any sign of him.
When an hour and five minutes had passed, and Ryker still hadn’t shown, I started to wonder if this was my punishment. Maybe he’d never show, and I’d be stuck waiting for him for the rest of my life the way I’d made him wait for a call that never came.
Cold feet.
I was getting cold feet even though this was exactly what I’d dreamed of for the last fourteen years. And it hit me hard and fast.
When I was at the bookstore with Scarlet, I felt far more confident than I did now. That was saying something because I had felt incredibly nervous then.
Somehow, though, the instant I walked up and started talking to her, the nerves vanished. It was a bit of a surreal moment being there in front of her; I had a million emotions running through my body over it. As glad as I was to be there with her finally, it was hard to see her cry. I wanted so badly to just scoop her up in my arms and take her home with me.
Despite the primal instinct I had to do that and the fact that I’d all but demanded something more than just her promise to call me within an hour, I was still so nervous.
Because even though the woman I spoke to looked like the Scarlet I knew, she didn’t sound the same. This Scarlet was a mix of sadness, anxiety, and a dash of anger.
For that reason, I thought it was crucial to be firm while also remaining gentle. Because I had no idea what was going to happen once I was inside her home. That, in and of itself, had been a huge shock. I never expected Scarlet was going to give me her address. I figured she’d ask me to meet her somewhere for us to talk and was surprised at her willingness to allow me to be in her space so quickly.
Unfortunately, now I had pulled into her driveway, and I was having second thoughts. They weren’t about not going in. That wasn’t an option. It was just that as much as I wanted to go in and get answers from her, I was still dreading it.
Realizing that I probably wasn’t alone in what I was feeling, I decided I just needed to do it. So, before I could talk myself out of it, I opened my door and got out. And it wasn’t until right after I rang the doorbell that I started to wonder if she’d even given me her real address. She could have written anything down, and I would have assumed it was hers. Luckily, a moment later, the door opened.
And there she was again.
Clearly, she’d come home from the signing and changed her clothes. At the very least, she’d also washed the makeup from her face.
I still couldn’t get over how beautiful she was. I’d always preferred her without the makeup because I truly didn’t think she needed it. She was just that stunning.
Scarlet opened the door wide enough and stepped back with it so I could come in. Instantly, I could see the nervousness radiating off of her. And it made me want to do nothing but scoop her up in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay. I missed her so much; I’d have settled for just the privilege of being able to hold her again.
As she closed the door behind me, I found myself marveling at the fact that I was there with her again after all this time.
“Come on in,” she rasped.
I followed behind her as she led the way to the living room. Extending her arm toward the couch, she asked, “Is this okay?”
I nodded.
“Can I get you anything to drink?” she offered.
“No, thanks. I’m good,” I answered as I moved toward the couch.
Scarlet walked to the opposite end, and the two of us sat down. For the next several minutes—yes, minutes—neither of us said a word. We simply stared at one another, and I had a feeling we were both thinking similar thoughts. It had been far too long to be separated from one another.
Eventually, I broke the silence.
“So, why didn’t you call me, Scarlet?” I asked.
“I already told you,” she immediately responded.
“Right, okay, so you didn’t call me on a technicality,” I started. “But why, after you decided not to go on to med school, did you not reach out to me?”
I watched as she took in a deep breath and blew it out. “Because I would have called you two days after you left me,” she answered. “That’s why.”
Confused, I asked, “What?”
“Ryker, I never finished my undergraduate degree,” she began. “In fact, I never even finished my first year. I went to my classes on Monday after you ended things between us and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it.”
“Tell me you’re joking,” I demanded.
She couldn’t be serious about not finishing school.
“I’d be lying if I did,” she returned.
Damn it.
Two days after I left her, she quit school. For seven years, I believed she was doing what she needed to do to get her education, and she never even finished her first year.
“Scarlet,” I said softly. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m not surprised,” she seethed.
“Excuse me?”
There it was again—her anger. I didn’t mind dealing with her emotions. This entire situation was becoming more and more ridiculous as time went on. But I couldn’t handle her anger. Not only was it not who Scarlet was, I simply didn’t understand why she was so mad. She never called me like she said she would.
Recognizing that, I found myself growing frustrated and started speaking again before she even had the chance to respond.
“I went on for seven years believing you were doing your thing at school,” I started. “And two days after I walked away, you just stopped going? So, while I’m living empty, going through the motions for all those years, believing I’m doing it so you can become a doctor, you gave up?”
“I tried to tell you that,” she shot back, her voice indicating she was on the edge of losing control.
“No, you didn’t.”
Nodding, she insisted, “I did, Ryker. I told you I didn’t want it. I told you so many times that day, and you had your mind made up.”
I don’t want this. I want to be with you.
Her words came back like a flash. Suddenly, I felt sick.
“Scarlet, I thought you meant you didn’t want us to break up. I didn’t know you were talking about not wanting to become a doctor,” I told her.
“Ryker, when was that ever my choice?” she asked. “You knew me. Or, I thought you did. We were together for three years, and not once in all that time did you ever hear me talk about my dreams of becoming a doctor. Do you know why that is?”
My head jerked slightly, indicating I didn’t have an answer to that question.
“Because those were never my dreams!” she shouted. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly, her growing frustration becoming more and more evident.
“So why did you ever agree to it then?” I retorted.
Shaking her head at me, she closed her eyes and sighed. I was relieved to see she was trying to calm herself down. “It didn’t matter to me,” she admitted. “I didn’t care about becoming a doctor, and it was never my choice to be one. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have done it. That’s what you don’t understand, Ryker. It didn’t matter to me what I did with myself. As long as I had you, I would have been happy doing anything.”