Vivi had more hip and backside now, and more belly. From what Vivi had muttered about how many weeks she’d put up with the nausea, before fleeing the kitchen, Finn didn’t think it was pregnancy weight yet. If it hadn’t been for the something’s-wrong vibe, Finn would probably have assumed this was Vivi’s body when she was happier, that she’d found a better place for herself. As much as it had wounded Finn when Vivi left, the prison job had been too much pushing back against people who should be colleagues, or defending her professional decisions, or begging for supplies. Finn had known Vivi wasn’t happy there.
And Finn wanted Vivi to be happy. She wanted Vivi joyful, laughing, or scrunching up her freckled nose like she did when something delighted her. If things had been different, Finn would have also wanted to talk long-running animated television series with her, see the rest of her nail polish collection, and find out what exactly Vivi had said about Finn to her family.
Maybe she could have held Vivi’s hand, for real this time, without it being wrong or dangerous. Maybe she could have finally asked the question, out loud, without fear of anybody overhearing and without it being ethically screwed up:
Do you want this?
Unfortunately for Finn, she’d done plenty of thinking while she cleaned up the food, and she couldn’t see any way that qualified as a good idea. Vivi was pregnant. Finn wasn’t asking how it had come about; that was Vivi’s to disclose or not. Regardless, it was clearly kicking her ass, and putting Vivi on the spot with a confession of romantic feelings didn’t seem like a kindness.
Maybe there would never be a right time for them. Maybe the way they’d started was the way they’d go on, coming in and out of each other’s lives only when all signs pointed to not now and not like this. It didn’t stop Finn from worrying about Vivi needing help, though, and Vivi hadn’t yet asked her to leave.
Finn went to the sliding door. When she stepped out onto the balcony, Vivi uncurled. She seemed better, but not great. Finn settled in the plastic chair across from her, kind of regretting not grabbing her jacket.
“So,” she said, hoping levity might normalize things a bit, “if you left to join the witness protection program, you should probably ask to speak to a manager. You’re supposed to at least get a new name.”
Vivi stared at her in apparent confusion, then started to snicker. The snicker turned into a burst of laughter, and another, and she put down her glass of ginger ale on the little side table so she could cover her face and let herself go. Finn leaned back with a feeling of satisfaction. This she could offer, if nothing else.
When Vivi had mostly gotten herself back together again, she pointed one mock-accusing finger at Finn. “I should have known you could make me laugh right now.” She wiped her eyes, choking down another giggle.
“So it’s a good thing you rescued me from public humiliation?” It was out of her mouth before Finn had time to regret it. How would it feel if Vivi said no, or looked as though she wanted to?
Vivi rolled her eyes. “Oh stop! Nobody in there would have judged you for being sick. If they did, Nora would have kicked them to the curb.”
On principle, maybe, not for Finn’s personal sake. Or maybe that was too harsh. Finn had been in Nora’s presence for all of three minutes, during an impending migraine. Not the best time for a first impression.
“Also, I’m so sorry,” Vivi went on. “I sent you there without warning you it was Will and Nora’s place. I run out of brain near the end of my shift now for anything outside of my patients, and it honestly never occurred to me to think that through.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Would Finn have preferred a heads up? Sure. Had anyone taken her head off? Not literally. “Did they find better health insurance?” That problem was the last news Finn recalled hearing about Vivi’s sister and her pansexual partner.
Vivi let out a long sigh. “Kinda? They got a cheaper plan through some small business association, but their coverage is terrible, and you know how Will is.”
Accident-prone, she meant; Finn remembered the stories. Of course Vivi would worry about him and her big sister. When Vivi was little, Nora had practically raised her and their sister Alicia for a handful of years after their mom died. Whatever Vivi’s frustrations about how Nora kept trying to parent her even in adulthood, which Finn had heard all about, they were close.
Vivi shifted in her chair and gazed down at her black and pink sneakers. The awkwardness between them certainly hadn’t resolved itself with one joke.
Finn couldn’t keep from asking any longer. “What happened? I showed up to work and you were gone.” She hadn’t meant it to sound so sad. She’d come out here to find out what Vivi needed.
Vivi gave her a small, tired smile. “You asked me not to complain about your last migraine so I didn’t—cross my heart—but if you put any money on my big mouth eventually getting me fired, you can collect. When they got two qualified applicants for the other open position, I was out the door.”
It fit. After the shock of Vivi’s disappearance had worn off, Finn had reassured herself Vivi being fired was the most likely explanation. Some people who worked in the prison system were good, but it was a system, and systems want to run smoothly more than anything else. Vivi had consistently chosen patient care over smooth.
Plus, it would have left too deep a mark to believe Vivi had left voluntarily without saying goodbye. Finn would’ve had to admit she’d imagined even their friendship, let alone anything else she’d believed they shared.
“I’m sorry,” Finn offered. It must have hurt being dismissed for caring too much.
Vivi shrugged. “I was pretty pissed off about it until I made the mistake of coming out to my father after Nora warned me not to. Then I had my father being a bigoted asshole to be mad about instead. There’s only so many hours in the day, you know?”
Finn tried not to crack a smile. Nora warning her not to was probably half of why Vivi had done it.
“Of course she was right,” Vivi continued, “so that was annoying. I was staying with him and my stepmom after I moved back here, until my apartment was ready. So my timing was horrible, but he had the news on and made a nasty comment and it just... jumped out. I said bi instead of pan, since to me personally it’s close enough and he’d know what it meant. He went off with almost half an hour of stereotypes and religious condemnation like he had a biphobia bingo card until I wanted to throw a chair through a window.
“He told me to get out, so I packed and sat on the couch loudly until Alicia and Matt called me back and said I could use their guest room. Sorry, that’s my other sister and her partner, the pediatrician, you remember them?”
Finn nodded. Alicia. Matt. More people important to Vivi whom Finn knew so much about without having known their names. Finn sent grateful thoughts to those two for being there when Vivi needed someone. “I’m so sorry.”
Vivi took another sip of her ginger ale. “Thanks. My stepmom’s been great about it, so that’s a bright spot. I think she’s going to keep Dad from ruining Christmas for everybody. Unless Alicia decides to come out, too, in the middle of dinner, which I wouldn’t put past her. She’d probably throw in that she and Matt have an open relationship and the whole house would explode. If you see smoke from South Austin— Oh. Wait.” Her eyes went wide, concerned. “Are you going to be with Hollis tomorrow? Or do you have somewhere else to be? I know you’re not religious but...”