That was one hundred percent the truth. She couldn’t flip a switch and turn it off, but romantic feelings weren’t mandatory assignments. Her irrelevant affection would sort itself out eventually unless she kept feeding it. That had been Finn’s hard realization as she nursed one cup of decaf tea in a random coffee shop this afternoon while watching other people hurry home for Christmas Eve. She had to start letting go.
Hollis lifted an eyebrow. “Did you say anything? Ever? Did y’all talk about it before she left?”
Her cousin didn’t understand prison. “Nope.”
“Tell her now! It doesn’t have to be a big deal. You could drop a comment about how you always had a thing for her and see how she reacts.”
Finn shook her head. “You realize by your own logic that’s basically lying, the past tense?”
He reached his hand out for hers, a silent apology in case he’d overstepped. She took it.
“You’re right, my phrasing was fucked. But look, kiddo, I’m just saying life can change drastically at any time. Don’t jump to conclusions and miss out on something special, okay?”
A solid general point, but its applicability to the Vivi situation was approximately zero. “Let me get your pill?”
Hollis nodded and sighed, letting her out of the conversation.
Finn headed to the kitchen. It was a disaster. Probably just as well, as it would give her something to think about tonight aside from Vivi, and then time would take care of her feelings eventually. Chances were Finn would never see her again anyway unless they crossed paths briefly in the hall at the clinic. Which was okay.
It had to be.
Chapter Five
The tree was lit up. Stockings had been emptied. The children were done tearing up wrapping paper and had moved on to playing with boxes, and sometimes even the presents that had come in them.
Finn wished they would have done the grownups’ presents at the same time as the kids’ ones, so that part would be over already too.
“Merry Christmas, Finn. This is from me and Grant.” Aunt Priscilla handed her a green envelope with a spangly bit of ribbon attached to it. From the thickness of it, Finn could tell it had a gift card inside. So had the one Hollis had given her, and the one from Ilsa.
“Thanks.” The word was tough to get out. Not because she was ungrateful, but because she hadn’t wanted anything in the first place, and she really hadn’t wanted any of them to feel obligated to bail her out. Not her Aunt Priscilla and Ilsa’s dad, not Hollis, and definitely not Ilsa herself. They’d all already done enough for Finn without gift cards to Old Navy and Target, the kinds of places you could get, say, work clothes or new socks or any of the other basics Finn could buy for herself if she hadn’t messed up her own life.
Finn opened the envelope, read the card with Priscilla’s and Grant’s signatures, and did her best to squelch any negative thoughts about the Bed Bath and Beyond gift card. Surely someday she’d have a bed or a bath again. And hey, it was more cheerful than getting money deposited in her prison commissary account, right?
“Merry Christmas,” Hollis said to his mother, handing her a box wrapped with one of the three kinds of paper he and Finn had used to wrap all the household presents while Ilsa had taken the kids to a movie. “It’s from me and Finn.”
Not true. Hollis had put her name on it. She hadn’t asked him to, hadn’t known he’d done it until it was already done. She’d wanted to ask him to take it off but making a thing about it felt weird.
Everything felt weird. Christmas hadn’t been an important holiday to Finn personally in a long time, but a lot of her family and friends had always made a big thing about it, and she’d been happy to go along.
Today, for whatever reason, all she wanted to do was hide in Hollis’s room upstairs. The black mood wasn’t going to get any better if she nursed it, however, and if she’d said she was sick, people would have kept coming to check on her. So here she sat watching Aunt Priscilla unfold tissue paper to reveal a gauzy cream scarf with butterflies on it.
“It’s lovely,” she said to Hollis, and then turned to Finn. “Thank y’all both so much.”
“What a wonderful day,” Grant said to Ilsa, who perched on the edge of the couch, one eye on the twins. “The tree is gorgeous, lunch was fantastic. Thanks for having us.”
“I’m so glad we can all be together.” Aunt Priscilla took Hollis’s hand. “What a year, right? Reminds you what matters.”
It had been quite a year. Bad things had happened to Ilsa and Hollis. Finn, on the other hand, had been fortunate enough to depart prison, yet here she was feeling awkward and antisocial.
“New year, new start,” Grant pronounced. “Speaking of which, how’s the job search coming, Finn? Tough month for it.”
Finn called up her old cashier smile. “Just gotta keep at it.”
“Good attitude.” Grant nodded approvingly. “Can’t win if you don’t play the game. Same goes for Hollis here in the dating department, am I right?”
Aunt Priscilla rolled her eyes. “Grant, he’s got enough on his plate right now. Holl, I don’t blame you one bit for needing time after that Colton.” She said the name like an insult.
It was a name Finn had never heard before. “Who’s Colton?”
“Someone whose ass I will thoroughly kick if I ever see him again,” Priscilla said darkly.
Hollis shifted uneasily on the couch next to Finn. “Someone who doesn’t matter. Ilsa, remind me how many kinds of pie we ended up with?”
“Four,” Ilsa said. “Dad, apple pie for you, with ice cream?”
Grant stood up. “I’ll come get it. You’ve all done enough.”
Except Finn hadn’t, really, aside from the gift wrapping, because Ilsa had kept telling her Relax, enjoy, you’re a guest. As if Finn wasn’t a guest every day with no end in sight.
Priscilla followed Ilsa and Grant, and Hollis trailed after them. He probably thought she was mad. An ex-boyfriend everyone knew about but Finn? What the heck? But she wasn’t mad. She was… fuck, who knew? Tired, even without much reason to be given her lack of employment.
Also, she probably had to admit, sad. The gal who got away had been located, and she didn’t want anything to do with Finn.
The self-pity train was about to jump the tracks and smash several small buildings. Time to shake it off. Finn got up and headed not to the kitchen, but to the screened back porch for some fresh air.
Which turned out to be cold fresh air. The temperature had dropped 15 degrees since the day before. Finn relocated a headless Barbie from one of the wicker chairs and sat down. She’d done an hour of work search this morning before the kids got up. Maybe she should go up to Hollis’s computer and do more. Nobody was updating online job postings on Christmas Day, but maybe she’d think of different search terms.
“I wish either of us had liked smoking,” Hollis said behind her, amused. “We could share a cigarette on the back steps.”
Finn had to laugh. They’d tried smoking only once, when Hollis was 15 and she was 11, a year before his family moved to Las Vegas. They’d both coughed enough to dissuade them from ever trying it again.