“The rich one, he was an arrogant son of a bitch. He didn’t care who knew what he’d done because it turns out his father was… let’s just say an important man. It became clear to us by the morning that nobody was going to help us. The father of said prick was as sadistic as his son… he told us he’d have us institutionalized and accuse us of trying to rob him to pay for our medical expenses. Blah blah blah. It was all bullshit. He paid us off for our silence and we took the cash, of course we did, we weren’t stupid. Or I wasn’t… My sister wanted nothing to do with the money.” I laugh coldly. “The fucker even paid for our medical care, made one of his doctor buddies take care of us. We were so badly brutalized that we needed stitches down below… that’s how fucked up that night was. Trust me when I tell you that I’m sparing you the gore.”
“I believe you. You don’t have to. I can handle it.”
“No, you can’t. You love my sister. It’ll keep you up at night.” I relax my hands in his. “The man had us followed for weeks, making sure we didn’t go to the police. He had our clothes that we were wearing that night burned and any other evidence. We had not a leg to stand on even if we did go to the cops. We knew it was pointless and to say that felt frustrating is an understatement. We couldn’t handle how unfair it felt. But we told our parents, of course we did… though I wish we hadn’t.”
“I bet they wanted to kill them.”
“Oh yeah, my dad couldn’t handle it either. The animals that did it to us, he approached them, he asked them why and they goaded him. Bragged about it. He lost his mind, he couldn’t speak to us, he felt too guilty. He blamed himself. And then… he killed himself. My mom is a shell of the person she was, Nokosi. She can’t even look at us.”
He’s mirroring my sadness. “I’m so sorry, Willow.”
“Me too,” I reply, keeping hold of his hands when he tries to pull them away. I shuffle closer until my knees are between his parted ones. “Now it’s your turn.”
“I don’t think I can, not after what I just heard…”
“You should. Or you never will.”
He shakes his head. “I feel like I’m trying to take away from your moment.”
“I’d rather you did.”
He groans and rubs his eyes with both hands. “I used to be best friends with a kid called Conner. Our moms were friends once upon a time, but then she died giving birth to me. Conner’s mom kept in touch and often took us on days out together, which turned into sleepovers as I got older. Conner’s father was an officer of the law, so my dad thought this was a great idea. Officer Deacon was an excellent role model, he’d say.” Laughing bitterly, he clings to my hands like I’m his lifeline and I almost wish I was. “Officer Deacon is a pedophile who started grooming Conner and me from around age three. He used to make us do things together, things that…” His eyes cloud over with shame. “It felt good, okay? And we were young, so we didn’t know any different.”
My heart rate begins to rise. I’m not sure I can hear this, I keep telling him he can’t handle my past but the truth is… I don’t think I can handle his.
“And then one day, Conner was walking funny. He was in pain. We must have been about seven at the time and we had this secret that only each other knew. It made us close because we had to be. So, Conner had no issues with telling me his father had… anally penetrated him the night before.”
My lips part. I feel sick.
“His father touched us, of course he did but it felt good, we liked it. We wanted more of it. We didn’t know it was wrong. We’d fool around together; we’d fool around with him… and then it was my turn. He didn’t fuck me for the first time until I turned nine. I guess he was worried I’d be in too much pain and he wouldn’t be able to hide it. I just remember him holding me… while he… and he kept telling me I’d enjoy it eventually.” He closes his eyes, unable to look at me while he speaks the words. “And I did. He was right. I wanted more of it. And he kept saying that I was as depraved as him, that he was helping me… It hurt at first but then it became normal. But then that normal became weird because we started getting into girls and we did sex-ed at school and were told how wrong it was to show our privates.” He rolls his shoulders and bites his lip. “I was confused. I started puberty and my orgasms made a mess now which was embarrassing. Conner started to withdraw. He stopped talking to anyone, myself included.”
I shuffle closer, the bucket scrapes on the ground.
“He didn’t want to do it anymore and to be honest, neither did I. Age thirteen I wanted to fuck girls, not men. I wasn’t into that. Officer Deacon stopped but not without begging, it was messed up. He used to try and bribe us with new games until we just stopped hanging around at his house at all. Conner’s parents had divorced by now and he moved in with his mom. Things were great for a while. We were happy. We were still best friends. I managed to get him back from his darkness but then it all changed.
“I don’t know what happened but Conner, at age fifteen, didn’t come to school for a week and he stopped talking to me again, like before, but worse this time.” His eyes mist over, tears fill them and my heart breaks. “They found him hanging from a tree in his back yard the following Sunday, while everybody was at church, Conner killed himself. I should have done something to help him, but I didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t even look at me.”
“Do you think his dad got him one last time?”
He nods. “I think that’s exactly what happened.”
“Why didn’t you tell anybody?”
“Officer Deacon became sheriff. A bit like you, he’s a powerful guy. I’ve got no evidence that he molested either of us and if I stirred that pot it would be my family who suffer.”
I shake my head. “Animals. All of them.”
“Agreed,” he whispers. “I’ve never told anybody that before.”
“Not even Lilith?”
Shaking his head, he admits, “Not even Lilith.”
I reach a hand to his face as his eyes hold mine. What we just shared is such an intimate… heart-wrenching thing that I believe will bond us forever.
I have to have him, if only once. It’s not fair that my sister gets him. I like him too. Maybe he’ll like me more than her?
“I really want to kiss you, Nok,” I whisper, leaning closer. “Just once.”
He places his hand over mine that cups his cheek. “I can’t do that. I couldn’t hurt your sister like that.”
“She wouldn’t have to know.”
“I’d know. And I live with enough secrets already.”
My lips pinch together. “Just one time. It wouldn’t have to mean anything to you. Just once.”
“Willow,” he mutters softly, his tone pleading but in a different way to mine. “It’ll hurt her.”
“If she ever finds out, which she won’t, she’ll understand.” I’ve never begged a man for his kiss before, but then I’ve never kissed a man willingly before. “Please, Nokosi.” I lean into him, grabbing the front of his shirt. “This could be the last kiss I ever have.”