I shake my head and I’m back again, in my house in Westoria. WHAT THE FUCK?
It feels like I’m walking through syrup. My legs are lead.
I head to the kitchen, maybe she’s in there? But that’s empty too.
“I wouldn’t kill my sister, I love her,” Willow’s broken voice floats around me… or is that my voice?
Sometimes even I get confused.
“WILLOW?” I shout, opening the back door.
Mom grabs my arm and pulls me into a hallway. “We need to go,” she whispers, tears streaming down her face. “We have to get you somewhere safe. Somewhere they won’t find you.”
I pull against her. “What the fuck, Mom? Let me go. Where the hell are we?”
Falling to my knees, I’m back in my kitchen again, holding on to the door handle for dear life.
Jesus. I think I should go back to bed.
“LILITH LOVES NOK, IF YOU DO THIS IT’LL DESTROY HER!”
Dad? Was that my dad? Is he gonna appear too? Fuck me what a trip. What have I taken?
My body lurches backwards. I’m in a car, Mom is speeding down the highway, still sobbing.
“She was bad, Mom. She killed all those people. I had to.” My mouth is moving, and words are coming out but I’m not saying them right now.
Scenery blurs by, a mess of black and white patches fading out of existence.
“You could have called the police!” she shrieks at me. “We could have gotten her help!”
“She was in so much pain. They’d have locked her away for thirty years and then killed her anyway. She’s at peace now.”
I look down at my trembling hands and my tears fall onto them. Is this a memory? It feels familiar.
The pain I’m suddenly feeling feels all too familiar. Both mental and physical.
The car lurches to the left, through a metal barrier and down a steep road. I’m tossed around in the car. So much pain.
It hurts so bad.
I’m back in the kitchen again, still on my knees.
“WILLOW?” I yell, scared now. I need my sister to help me get through this.
I need my mom.
“I’m here, baby,” a warm hand touches my shoulder. Thank God. I turn and bury my face into her stomach. “I’m right here.”
“I don’t know what’s happening,” I whisper, crying now. I just want out of this nightmare.
She strokes my head. “You’re very sick, Lilith, but none of this is your fault.”
“I’m dying.”
“You are. But you always have been.”
I peek up at her and she helps me to my feet. Her eyes shine with tears too. She’s so beautiful, even when she’s crying.
“Help me,” I whisper, and she pulls me into her body. “Help me fight this.”
“Don’t fight it. Accept it. Remember. Let it in. Just relax and let it in.”
She kisses my eyelids and wipes away my tears with her thumbs.
When my eyes open, I’m standing in my garage which has been cleared of everything, is now covered in plastic, blood and… holy fuck I’m holding a gun and pointing it directly at Nokosi.
I click on the safety and lower it.
“What the fuck is happening? Is this real or am I having another weird dream?” I ask, murmuring the words. My mouth is so dry.
“Lilith?” Nokosi asks, his eyes swollen and red, his cheek still covered where I clawed him. “Please tell me that’s you?”
I glance from him to my father and mutter a curse. “This is a dream. It’s great to see you, Dad, but please go. Mom’s fucked with my head enough already, dragging me to cars and driving us off fucking cliffs.”
I tremble and shiver when somebody taps at the inside of my head.
“Can I have the gun?” Dad asks.
I shrug my shoulders. “What the fuck ever, I’m going to wake up in a minute anyway.”
I start to hand it over but my vision goes black and pain like I’ve never felt attacks the inside of my skull. It feels like my head is going to explode.
I fall to the ground in pain, screaming and seizing, bleeding from the nose. No. No. No. What the fuck is going on?
I can hear Nokosi yelling my name, telling me to fight it.
FUUUUUCKKKKK
This hurts.
It feels as though something, or someone is peeling away from me. My skin is on fire, my body an aching entity no longer under my control.
I writhe on the ground, resisting the urge to vomit and then I feel a slap around my face and the pain stops. I open my eyes and find the eyes of my sister.
“Get up,” she barks and I do so, confused and unsteady. She has a gun in her hand, the gun I took from those racist fucks at the gas stop. I still have a gun in my hand too, where is this one from? “Look what you did.”
I look around and scream when I see the body of Officer Deacon on the floor. My heart thumps against my ribs and I fall backwards onto Willow but she shoves me away from her. “I didn’t do this.”
She points at me with the gun. “You made me do it.”
“No. I didn’t. I swear. I would never…”
“You promised me blood.”
I look at Nokosi. “I couldn’t let you hurt him.”
“YOU FUCKING KILLED ME!”
“No… you’re standing right there.” I look at my dad who has his hand on Nokosi’s chest, holding him back.
“Remember?” Willow asks, tears falling down her cheeks. “It was YOU who made me go to the fucking party. It was YOU who wanted to live before you died. YOU KILLED ME! You made me a monster and then you slipped your pills into my drink, wrapped your hands around my throat when I was asleep and strangled me until I could no longer breathe.”
The memory surfaces, coming to life.
“What happened in Vegas?” my dad asks me.
With chattering teeth I reply, “I followed her, I suspected her for a while but I didn’t want to believe it and I saw her stab that boy in the stomach.” I look at Nokosi. “She was in so much pain and she told me… she told me how many she’d killed, what she’d done to them, that she needed it.” I wipe my eyes on my arm. “I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stomach what I’d seen. I was so angry. She’d ruined everything. I was dying and my sister was dangerous. She wasn’t Willow anymore. I remember drugging her warm milk and waiting for her to fall asleep. And then I squeezed her throat… I thought it was mercy. I didn’t want anybody to know what she’d done. I didn’t want that to define our family but then Mom came home.”
I did. It was me.
I look at my dad and then Nokosi. “What’s going on, how is she here if I killed her? I don’t know what’s happening?”
“She’s not here,” Nokosi answers softly. “It’s all in your head, Lilith. It’s been you this whole time.”
“We found your mother’s body in her car deep down a steep decline just days after we found your sister’s and I’ve been looking for you ever since,” Daddy whispers, smiling with so much sorrow and anguish my lip trembles. “Your blood was in the passenger seat. We knew you’d been in the wreck and knew you must have been hurt, you saw your mom die less than hours after your sister. You couldn’t handle the trauma of losing your family, so you created a new one. A replica. You became both Willow and Lilith, and Willow took on your sickness so that Lilith could be strong. Think about it. Look at your memories… they’re Lilith’s memories—”