That’s my gift to you. My undying, unconditional love. It just comes in a completely different package.
You will make a kick-ass father. I trust nobody else with her but you.
Get Nash to teach her how to ride a dirt bike because you suck, and you teach her how to fish with a spear, and climb trees to the top, and fear nothing.
I wanted her so badly and you. I wanted to see you one last time, but I left you with an awful memory as it was. I can’t bear for you to see me now. Not in the condition I’m in. I’m dying and I look like I’m dying. I can’t put you through that or myself.
I’ve stuck a photo to the back of this letter, my favorite photo of you and me together from the camping trip on the beach. I hope you might use it to show our girl how much love created her.
I also hope you might look at it one day and think fondly of me and not just that psycho bitch you screwed around with once or twice.
I love you, Nokosi Locklear, and I am so sorry for everything I did that ever hurt you and your family. And I know you struggle with what happened to your mother during your birth but as a woman, giving up her life to save her daughter, I can tell you right now that it is worth it and your mom would be so proud of you.
Just as I will always be proud of our daughter.
This wasn’t a sacrifice. This was the greatest decision I ever could have made.
Forever yours,
Lilith Locklear
I scrunch the letter up to my chest and growl a quiet, painful scream. Then I drop it and rip open the rest. Sure enough, there they are, the responses to my letters and also two huge wads of cash.
Well… at least she paid child support.
I almost laugh to myself; she’d have loved that joke. Her humor was so dry and witty.
I pick up the scrunched-up letter and peel away the photo. It’s a bit crinkled but I can see why it’s her favorite. It’s a stupid selfie photo, we’re in our truck tent and I’m sleeping, my head is tucked under her chin and she’s smiling at the camera. She looks so beautiful and happy.
“I’ll remember you like this forever, baby,” I breathe, touching her face.
Then I stand up, open my door, go and wash my hands and head downstairs to meet my daughter.
“I’m calling her Lily,” I say firmly, taking my fluffy pink bundle from my brother. “Because Lilith hated being called Lily.”
Nash snorts, my dad sighs, but neither of them argues.
“I have no idea what to do with you,” I say to the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. “You’re going to have your momma’s smile so I don’t ever lose it.”
She hiccups softly and purses her tiny love-heart-shaped lips.
I kiss them twice.
“You’re not alone,” my dad assures me.
But I already know I’m not. I’ll never be alone again.
6 years later
Nokosi
“Lily?” I call, scratching the scruff of my chin. “Where are you? You little beast.”
I hear her giggle quietly from somewhere in the trees and chuckle to myself.
“Lily?” I call again softly, standing tall so as to try and catch a glimpse of the top of her black hair. “Come out, come out wherever you are.”
She giggles again and I see a flash of her pink jacket as she runs away from me.
“Come on, Lily,” I whine. “Dinner’s ready. I’m hungry. I’ve been working all day.”
“Gotta find me first, Papa!”
I race around the tree I saw her blur past.
This is getting tiresome.
“Lily,” I snap, feeling irritated now. “If you don’t get your butt here right now...”
“Okay, okay,” she grumbles, crawling out from under a bush. “Bossy boots.”
I grab her and lift her over my shoulder. “Who are you calling bossy boots?”
“You, Mr. Stinky.”
I swing her down into a cradle carry and she laughs, looking up at me with light brown eyes, just like mine, Nash’s, my father’s, and grandfather’s. To say they’re a dominant eye would be an understatement. Her hair is long, sleek, and black but braided into two perfect braids. She looks like me, but as promised on the day I got her, she kept her mother’s smile.
It’s my greatest joy each day seeing my heart smile and she is so easy to amuse.
“I love you.” I tell her this often because once upon a time I didn’t say it often enough.
Suddenly Lily gasps and scrambles out of my arms and onto her feet. “BINGBONG!” She races back towards the trees.
“Come on, Lily,” I push my hand through my hair.
“I’ll be one second, I forgot BINGBONG.”
Bingbong is this ridiculous-looking purple caterpillar stuffed animal that Nash brought her back from England. It’s funny because he was the homebody that never wanted to leave and he’s the one that has travelled the world. I, however, have stayed here with my daughter and father and I don’t regret a single second of it. I never want to be anywhere else.
Lily screams, it’s loud and sudden and not a scream of joy.
I don’t think, I just react, racing towards the sound, thinking the worst.
“LILY?” I yell, terrified. My feet hit the dirt, my legs carrying me faster than they ever have before. “LILY!”
No answer. Where was she hiding before? THINK, DAMN IT!
I look around, feeling my breath come out in quick, short bursts.
“LILY, PLEASE!” I beg, pushing on, deeper into the trees. She knows these woods; she wouldn’t have gotten lost. She couldn’t have gotten so far that she can’t hear me when I call.
WHERE IS SHE? I can’t lose her. No.
“LILY!”
“Right here, Daddy,” she says from my right, strolling from around a huge red alder tree without a care in the world, the purple toy under her arm.
I grip her shoulders and check her for damage. “What happened?”
“I slipped down the slope,” she replies, smiling, eyes shining with innocence and happiness. “But I’m okay, Mommy saved me.”
She has fantasized about her mother before, of course she has. She’s a little girl with only my aunts, and Mackenzie, Lilith’s sort of frenemy who stepped up to help after she found out about Lily.
I don’t know what I would have done without her to be honest. She’s been a constant, despite her busy life and crazy journalism job. I always thought she’d be a detective.
Lily is always obsessing over her mother and asking about her, and a few times she has claimed to see her. Usually on her birthdays.
It’s all wishful thinking of course.
“Did she?” I ask, raising my brow.
“Yeah,” she implores, nodding her head excitedly. “She told me to be more careful.”
“Well then, she’s very smart.”
“And beautiful.”