“So what do you want?” My voice was shaky and weak and I hated that, but I couldn’t stop and neither could he.
“I want to be under your skin like you are mine. I want to carry that with me through every fucking shitty day. I want you to feel the desperation I feel, clawing at your guts, your hand reaching for me, even if you’re not sure it’ll be smacked away, and I want you to feel that fucking bliss when it isn’t.”
He pulled back, hands going to his hair as he paced the room, Jake pulling me closer and tucking me up under his chin.
“I carried her with me for years, that ache in my heart that got me up and about and looking for more. I made a fucking career out of playing the sound of that, of the pain, the anger, the need. She’s gone and she needed to go to you, but you’re there instead. You gnaw at my guts, make me…” His eyes flayed me, pulling every single strip of skin from my body and just left me there, wavering in the breeze, every nerve exposed. “I want you, Kira. I want you to feel the need that I feel. I want both of us to see that and look after that, protect that from this fucking vicious cesspit of a world that wants to drive out anything good.”
“You want me to love you,” I croaked.
“Yes.”
“I was halfway there, back in the bus. You only had to crook your finger.”
“I know, love, and I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll nail Liam to the wall with railway spikes if that’ll make you feel better.”
“You went along with it all. You and Liam, you played the game. Johnno couldn’t, Jake was discounted, Lucas took off and helped me rather than follow through with the plan.”
I said the words quietly, but I saw clearly each time they landed, and by the time I was finished, he was visibly reeling. Then he did something I’m sure he thought would help. He started to drop down to his knees, but I caught him before he could, hauling him up and against me, so he wrapped his arms around my ribs, holding me so fucking tight as I leaned against Jake.
I felt the brush of his tears because mine fell free as well, but for a moment, there was just this, just us. Just breath coming in and out, just the fine tremble of muscles, the clawing embrace. Skin to skin, Aen’s words echoed in my mind.
They looked confused when I tugged Billy’s shirt free and then my own. I still had a bra on, so everything that a bikini would cover was, but I could see the light in Billy’s eyes of heat, need, hope.
“Skin to skin,” I explained. “Aen says it’s what works for us.” I felt the truth of it when they pressed back against me. I stroked Billy’s hair and held him as Jake held me, resting his cheek on my shoulder.
It took some time, but we finally came back to ourselves, the same awkwardness that had ruled everything with The Changelings creeping in, so I pulled back and picked up my shirt.
“This is how things’ll go,” I said, something cool and hard settling in my belly after all this intensity. “I know what you want because it’s everything I did. Aen, Marlow… I didn’t see them coming, but you, all of you?” Jake smiled when I turned around to look at him. “You were always what I wanted. I didn’t want to choose between you. I was drawn into your orbit by a gravitational pull I could not resist, but that’s not what’s going to happen this time. I’m done jumping off cliffs into the abyss. Prove to me that there’s more to this than skin hunger. Prove to me that you have my back, that you’re going to stand by my side, that you’re going to choose me over all the other bullshit, because you know what? People I love, that’s what I do for them. I’d step over your dying corpses to help Marlow and Aen. They are my heart.”
My words rang around the room, echoing back at me, reminding me that I’d never said anything like this to them. I needed to do that, urgently.
“You’re so much further down the road to getting what you want than you fucking deserve, but I’ll keep slipping out of your fingers until you show me that. That we’re in this for the long haul, that we can trust each other, because I can’t…” Angry tears filled my eyes, and I hated them all the more for being there. “I can’t keep doing this. You fucking break me in ways no one else can, every damn time.”
I pushed away, from the wall, from them, because otherwise, all my words would be bullshit and I’d throw them down onto the bed and do my best to fuck this out of me.
“Jake, you want me to collar you and make you mine, but I don’t even know what that is yet. You said you were more than people’s abuse of you, that that memory I saw was only one part? Well, I need to know who this Jake is before I can make that kind of commitment. I don’t even know what putting a collar on someone means. Don’t do this. Don’t rush me, don’t put yourself in dangerous situations. Don’t let people use and abuse you. Don’t let me. Don’t be anyone’s whipping boy anymore. Work out who the fuck you want to be and then introduce me to them, to see if we connect.”
My breath came in great ragged sobs now, fighting my chest to come in and flow out, tears streaming so fast, I could barely see, but I did catch them moving towards me, big blurry blobs. I wanted to run, put as much distance as I could between them and me, but I stayed where I was by the skin of my teeth. I was scooped up, held close to one muscular chest and settled against another when I finally got to lie down on that big silky bed. But only for a moment. I ended up sprawling across the two of them, tangled up tight, and it was only then I could really let it all go.
I ugly cried it all out, painful hacking things that clawed their way out of me as hands stroked my back and my hair, just weeping until I had nothing else.
“It’s all right, love,” came a shaking refrain, over and over. “It’ll be OK.”
Chapter 4
“What did they do?”
I’d found the training room eventually, my eyes swollen, my face a mess, both Marlow and Aen rushing over when they saw me.
“Had a heart to heart, didn’t I? Those things hurt a lot more than the name suggests. So we’re preparing for the trial?”
“I figured you’d be best starting with me,” Aen said, wrapping his arm around me. “We’ve already practised—”
“Is that what we’re calling it?” I forced my tone light, smirking at him, remembering the naked scene we’d made back on his training room floor.
“This time I’m sure we can keep our clothes on,” he replied primly, then took my hand and drew me over to where Duke stood, alone.
“What you’re gonna do, the trials?” he told me. “It requires a connection. An avatar can’t do shit unless she connects to her consorts. You each have an affinity of your own.” I looked over my shoulder to see The Changelings had filed in, taking a seat by the wall. “She chose you. But that’s just the first step. Choosing ain’t connecting.”
Duke snorted as he strolled forward, zeroing in on the band. “I’m not here to Dr Phil your shit. From what I’ve seen, you’re cruel, you’re controlling, and I wouldn’t want none of y’all near any woman. These two,” he indicated Marlow and Aen, “they’re the only ones with something strong going. But I won’t fight for them, for any of you. I’m here for her. If she wants you out, you’re gone. If she needs someone else to step up, I’ll personally vet the candidates to replace you.” His dark eyes scanned the lot of them, waiting in case there was a response before forging on when there wasn’t. “Aen and Kira have already taken steps down this path. They’ll show us what they’ve got, make it clear to everyone how this is gonna be.”