Our eyes locked and as I saw his water, hope flooded me. Please let me be getting through to him, I prayed, so desperate for God to hear me. Instead of answering me, my dad turned away from me, looking down at Mom. Just like that, I was gone to him.
“This is why you should have let me send her to God’s Promise,” he said as he glared down at her. “So we could have nipped this in the bud.”
My mother stood up then and looked Dad in his eyes. Her face didn’t change, and her voice didn’t raise, but it was steady when she answered him. “I told you what would happen if you ever mentioned that place in our home again. I don’t love this, but this is who Lennox is. My daughter won’t be tortured into pretending she’s something she's not.”
I couldn’t see what passed between them because my dad’s back was still facing me, but some unspoken words must have been exchanged. In his stance I could see Dad’s defeat; his rigid back slumped, his shoulders hunched. He turned away from Mom and without another word, left the room. A moment later, he left the house.
“I still don’t know about being gay,” Mom said quietly. “It was something people just didn’t talk about when I was a child.” I wanted to point out that at just under forty, people were definitely out as gay when my mom was young. Instead I kept my mouth shut and waited for her to continue. “Your dad loves me, and I don’t ask for much, so I know he will come back. He loves me and I love you, so he will be back. But he will never accept this.”
She looked so young then, her eyes so wide and scared. I don’t think she had ever stood up to my dad about anything. She believed the wife submitted to her husband, that it was her job to be his helper. I wished with all my heart that she could be okay with who I was, but I couldn’t be ungrateful to her sacrifice. She had given up a part of who she was and what she believed in order to give me back myself.
“I love you, Mom” I said.
“I love you, too, Lennox.”
Chapter Seventeen
Hannah
When I woke up the next day, one thing felt certain: I wasn’t leaving my room except to grab snacks and use the bathroom. Even the bathroom thing barely counted since I had my own. I was too drained from the day before to face anyone but Ari or Marley and if they wanted to see me, they could come up. I was on strike from everyone else with their mixed messages and selfish ways.
All fall I had been desperate for Winter Break. I couldn’t wait to break up the same routine and do all these new things. Not one of them had turned out the way I planned. Instead of feeling fulfilled and brave, I felt trapped in a cell. A nice cell, but still a cell.
Feet still heavy from a night of tossing and turning, I stomped my way over to my computer desk and plopped down heavily at my chair. After pulling up my social media and Pandora, I logged into Lavender Menace to check for new messages. I didn’t have any, but I hadn’t even been online a full minutes before a notification popped up. The message was from Window.
Window: Hi.
Since she’d written me a message that was just a greeting, I figured she could see I was active and had decided to reach out for a conversation. All the talking and tension of the past few days was making me want to dig a hole and crawl inside it, not have an on the fly conversation with a potential romantic interest. She’d already seen I was online, though, and taken the time to reach out. Since it felt rude not to reply, I answered back just as simply.
HanHan: Hello!
Window: Got any big plans for the day?
HanHan: Not really. Avoid my family. Listen to mopey music. You?
Window: I don’t know. Maybe just see if I can make this pretty girl from the internet smile. Seems like she’s having a rough day.
Oh my God, how cheesy, I thought to myself, but that didn’t stop the grin from spreading across my cheeks. It wasn’t like it was the first time someone had called me pretty, but after the recent blows to my ego, the attention made me feel like I might blush.
W: That was cheesy, I’m sorry.
HanHan: Ha! No worries. I guess your flirtations are more appropriate on this kind of app than my gloominess, anyway, so have at it.
W: That was pretty much all I’ve got. I’m not a natural flirt.
She might not be, but I was and even without knowing the girl behind the screen, a flutter started in my abdomen. I thought about the little flips I could give her words, little ways to fill them with more meaning than they really had. I decided to play it cool.
HanHan: No? So what are you a natural at?
HanHan: See, that’s all it takes to flirt. Take a perfectly harmless sounding phrase or question and make it sound like it has innuendo dripping from every letter.
Window: Wow, you really have a way with words. I like the way you put things.
HanHan: Oh, you will like the way I put things.
HanHan: :)
Window: Getting brazen with the flirting!
HanHan: Yes, but only for educational purposes.
HanHan: And speaking of educational, educate me: what’s your screen name about?
Window: It was basically my way of saying that I feel like I’m a Window in a Mac world . . .
I glanced out the window at the street below. Another warm day meant kids out on bikes, people walking dogs, everyone laughing and happy with leftover Christmas energy. All my Christmas spirit was left in a past that I was fighting not to be transported back in to. I could relate so hard to the idea of being Windows in a Mac world.
The weird part of it all was some part of me blamed myself for the way things had gone. Hadn’t I started the winter break all pissy and mopey that my life was too simple? Hadn’t I wished that something big and life changing would happen to me? Wish granted, right? Thanks, Santa. No matter how hard I had wished, I would give it all back. It turned out that being normal wasn’t actually a problem.
Wasn’t this normal, though? What I was doing? I was meeting someone new. I was socializing. I was flirting. Maybe normal hadn’t gotten too far out of reach yet and, even if I could never undo all the things I’d learned over this break, I could make things return to some level of status quo.
HanHan: Hey. This banter stage is fun, and I know this is probably kind of fast, but do you want to meet? You’re giving me good vibes.
After three minutes passed without a response, I decided to give up and log off. My mouse was literally hovering over the log off icon when a chime told me she’d come back just in time.
Window: I can’t. My parents won’t let me go out today because they need help putting the decorations away. Tomorrow? At Starbucks at 11?
I suddenly felt like I might be sick, which was ridiculous since I was the one who suggested we meet. As soon as she said yes, I realized I was surprised. Because she hadn’t even used a profile picture, because I hadn’t even seen what she looked like, I assumed she’d be hesitant to meet. I thought our relationship would unfold over time and, if it heated up at all, it would be a slow boil. Instead I had taken the whole thing and shoved it right under the broiler.
The ball was still in my court. I had invited her for today; if I wasn’t ready to meet, I could just offer up a stupid excuse. I could pretend to go out of town or just say I was busy without making an excuse. I could ghost. There was no rush. There was no rush until suddenly there was. Until suddenly inside me was a rush of need to propel things forward. I’d had enough of wait and see.