I blinked at her head. I didn’t know why she was hovering in the doorframe, but I wasn’t going to tell her twice to enter the room.
“Did you need something?” I asked the head.
Mom cracked the door open a little wider and inched her way through so that now her body was wedged between the door and the frame. She was still in this liminal space between being in the room and not in the room. I rolled my eyes. We hadn’t talked since our fight and I knew she was hedging her way in to try to get me to officially put it behind us, but I wasn’t giving her the satisfaction. This argument was years in the making, and I wasn’t going to get over it just because she wanted to be funny all of a sudden.
“In or out,” I grumbled, and I walked over to my bed before flopping down in a heap. Snatching up my pillow, I hugged it to my chest.
She walked over and sat down beside me, her fingers finding my hair like they always did. She smoothed the stray tangles from my face. Her hands were warm, but I wanted them off me, so I rolled away from her, my eyes fixed on the wall ahead.
“Mom, I have a blind date in less than an hour. I can’t get into this with you.”
I heard a tiny sigh, followed by a hiccup. Mom always hiccupped when she was a total mess of emotions, but I didn’t have time to soothe her. I needed to find a way to soothe myself.
“Hannah—" she started, and I just couldn’t take it. The room, her voice, it was all suffocating me. I got up and grabbed my keys from my dresser. With one hand on the door, I shot off the last arrow I had before whipping my hair around and heading out.
“Not everything’s about you, Mom.”
On the whole drive to Starbucks, I felt like shit. It hadn’t been a fair thing to say. Mom had never been one of those mothers who ignored her kids and focused on her own problems. Her life had been about me and Ari. I tried to soothe my guilt by telling myself she had to know that, that she was way too smart to take the untrue words of a bratty, tantrum throwing teenager to heart. Then every time the guilt would subside, the anger would swell like I was riding a wave that wouldn’t quit cresting, keeping me forever bouncing along the water’s edge.
I was a mess. I couldn’t go into a coffee shop and have a blind date while my heart was skipping around like this. I looked at my watch. Five minutes until I was supposed to be inside. That was definitely not enough notice to cancel a date. There wasn’t a choice; I was going to have to push through it and go inside. Steadying myself against the side of the building, I peeked through the smudged glass to try to get some spoilers about my date. From out here, though, it was hard to make out anything that gave me answers. Starbucks was too densely packed with people needing their caffeine fix. I could only see the people sitting on little round tables by the front window and I was pretty sure my date wasn’t with the elderly woman in Tweety Bird scrubs or the pre-teen boy with the faux hawk and a giant, whip cream slathered Frappuccino.
If I wanted to meet my love connection, I was going to have to go in. With a deep breath, I pushed my way through the double doors. Inhaling deeply, I took a whiff of nutty, chocolatey coffee and navigated my way through the heavy crowds until I could find her. With a glance at my watch, I shook my head in disbelief. Starbucks usually had the biggest crowds in the early morning, pre-work rush. As an elbow pushed up against my stomach, I turned sideways and ducked a little.
That’s when I saw her: I knew who she was as soon as I saw the back of her head. Lennox. It wasn’t just the hair, either, although there was something about the way the fuzz trailed her thin neck that was distinctly her. She was sitting like Lennox, head tilted just slightly backwards so that I couldn’t see her face but could tell she was ceiling staring. Should I talk to her? We hadn’t spoken since our fight, but I wanted so much to make up. I could buy her a coffee and we could sit and hash things out and maybe I could get her to listen to me this time.
Still, it wasn’t really the time. I was here for someone else.
As I geared up to walk past her table and try to avoid eye contact, I noticed it there on her table. A book page circle scarf. With one hand grasping at the chair closest to me for support, I stared at the scarf trying to make sense of what I saw. Should I even go over? She was supposed to be my blind date, but it had been made abundantly clear that she wasn’t interested. So what did this new turn of events mean? That she had changed her mind and decided I was actually worth it? And so, she was just going to lie to me and trick me into a date with her? My jaw tightened and I tried to swallow the anger that had risen like smoke across my vision. With a hard swallow, I walked over and stood in front of her table. I tapped my fingers on the surface in front of her and she looked up.
“Hey. I think I’m going to have to disappoint you,” I said. “You’re here for a blind date from Lavender Menace?”
Tears threatened to push their way out of my eyes, but I was going to do everything I could to hold them in. She stood up and started rifling through her brown leather satchel as I waited for a response that didn’t come. After about thirty seconds, I started shifting my weight back and forth between my feet toying with the idea of walking off and buying a latte to go. Before that idea had time to take root, Lennox’s hand emerged from her bag. In it, she held a tiny white box that she extended to me, still not talking.
“Is this for me?” I asked as I reached out to accept.
“Yes, Captain Obvious,” she said, and I grinned at the dated but clearly relevant nickname.
Inside the box was a sterling silver chain that had a blue, glass pendant hanging from it. On the pendant was a human form; a lean body that appeared to be wearing scuba gear. I must have looked as confused as I felt because Lennox started explaining it to me with her eyes glued to the ceiling.
“Okay, so this is kind of dumb and you know that I hate to have to talk about feelings a whole lot, but I wanted to buy you something that represented what I think of you. I know you don’t scuba dive, but I couldn’t find anything that just had a girl in a diving stance or anything and the dive was really the message.” She looked at me then, our eyes meeting as she held my gaze. She took the box back from me and took the necklace out of it; I noticed her hands trembling as she lifted the necklace to my throat and gestured for me to hold my hair up. She wrapped her hands behind my neck and fastened the clasp and our faces were nearly touching as she continued her monologue.
“I missed you when we weren’t talking. I know that’s stupid because I’ve only known you for like a month, but I missed your obvious questions and the way you would try to cover it up when you caught yourself flirting with me. I missed being around someone who wanted to live as much as you do. Who wanted to dive into everything, not just take a polar bear plunge.” She smiled at me and dropped my hair back against my neck, but her left hand stayed up as she ran it down the length of my shoulder. “I found your profile and I decided it was time for me to take a leap of faith, too. I hope you aren’t disappointed.”
All the wanting that had burrowed inside me over the last month took hold of me. I didn’t talk and I didn’t think; I threw my arms around Lennox’s neck and pressed my lips into hers, not caring that it could be too much, too soon, not caring about people watching, not caring about anything except for the way she smelled like apples and dryer sheets and the way her hair felt between my fingers. Not wanting to pull away from her, when the kissing ended, I nuzzled my face into her shoulder, just lost in her scent and the warmth of her arms encircling me.