The wave of relief that crashes through me takes my breath away. “Oh, thank God,” I gasp.
“Yeah. After everything else that’s happened this year so far, the last thing we need is another body showing up.”
Another body for me to get blamed for. I don’t say that out loud, though. I don’t want to jinx myself.
“That’s not the only thing I wanted to talk to you about,” Loni says, giving me a sugary-sweet smile.
“What is it?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.
“Soooo, the Valentine’s Day dance is coming up and I was wondering if you’d want to help me plan it?”
I let out a long groan before I teasingly say, “Is this what our friendship is now? Themed dances and vanishing bullies?”
She snorts and pats my shoulder. “A friendship of utility is still a friendship.”
I laugh, but my shoulders tense all the same.
“Loni, you know I’d love to help, but I just don’t know…”
“I know you’ve been super stressed lately.” Her expression softens and she begins to rub my back. “I have an idea. Why don’t we have a girls’ day out? We can get away from campus and go shopping, maybe catch a movie—just hang out and have a little fun. What do you think?”
It’s such a generous offer, but I hesitate to say yes. I can’t really afford to shop anyway, and I’ve got so much work to do for my classes. Plus, I’ve got a few college applications I want to finish, and the idea of spending a day being frivolous, while fun sounding, doesn’t seem super prudent.
Then again, I am super stressed. Even though the bullying from our classmates has lightened up a bit, I’ve still got an enemy in Dylan, whose class has become a living hell. He’s more volatile than ever and has been trying to catch me alone after history to drill me about James.
Then, there’s the whole hate-sex incident with Saint that continues to haunt me.
Maybe I could use a break?
“All right,” I say on a sigh. “That does sound fun. I’m in.”
Loni claps her hands in delight, and I can’t help but grin. “Awesome! Don’t worry about a thing, Mal. I’ll take care of it all. You just have your fine ass ready to go Saturday morning, yeah?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Saturday morning rolls in sunny and bright and warm. Loni picks me up from my dorm room and we head down to her car, where her friend Martha is already waiting for us.
“Hey,” Martha greets me with a friendly smile and a little wave. “I don’t know if you remember me, but I hosted that, uh, beach party last semester—”
“I remember,” I assure her with a grin, acting as though I haven’t tried to shove the memories from that night into the deep, dark hole where I try to push all my significant Saint memories. Martha’s cool, though, and if Loni likes her, I’m happy to spend the day with her.
Loni drives us into Los Angeles. She’s declared our goal for the day is to find dresses for the Valentine’s Day dance that I ended up agreeing to help her with. I’m broke and have zero plans to actually attend the dance, but I tag along as we bounce from store to store, trying on beautiful dresses that pretty much all cost more than a normal person’s monthly rent.
Loni ends up buying a gorgeous canary yellow two-piece dress with a flowing maxi-skirt and top that ties into a long bow at the base of her neck. Martha doesn’t have as much luck, and we end up checking out a cute but expensive boutique as a last-ditch effort to find her something.
While she drags an armful of dresses back into the changing rooms, Loni and I wander through the store, casually checking out the rest of the clothes.
“You okay, girl?” she suddenly asks me as we stand across from each other at a clothes rack.
I glance up at her, my brow creasing. “What do you mean? Do I not seem okay?”
She shrugs, plucking at a sparkly blouse. “I mean, you seem all right, just … distracted. It’s not just today. I’ve noticed it for a few weeks, now. Did something happen?”
I don’t know what to say. Yeah, a few things happened. I was nearly raped in the library, my mom sent a hot drug dealer to check up on me, and then I slept with the one person I swore I wouldn’t let touch me ever again.
Loni’s looking at me expectantly, her brows furrowed in concern, and I feel my gut twisting with guilt.
Apart from James, Loni’s the most loyal friend I’ve ever had. She doesn’t deserve to be held at arm’s length because she’s always had hers wide open for me.
The problem is, I can’t tell her about Ghost and my mom. If shit goes down on that end, I don’t want Loni caught up in it. I also really don’t want to burden her with what Jon Eric tried to do to me.
Saint, though? There’s no reason I should keep that from her. Other than the deep, godawful sense of shame I feel about it. Still, I trust Loni not to judge me.
And yet, when I open my mouth, I hesitate and choke on the words.
She won’t judge me, but will she think I’m weak? Stupid? It wouldn’t be anything I didn’t already believe about myself, but I don’t want Loni to think any less of me. It’s a miracle she’s still my friend after everything that’s happened.
“Mal, hey, it’s okay.” Loni comes around to my side of the rack and gives my hand a reassuring pump. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. Don’t keep it all locked up inside you. You’ll drive yourself crazy.”
She’s right, and I know it. Glancing around, I make sure no one’s near enough to overhear what I’m about to tell her.
“All right,” I whisper. “Just … just don’t think less of me, okay?”
“I won’t.”
I filter in a deep breath and then let the whole sordid story spill out. “I slept with Saint.”
She stares at me a long moment, as if she doesn’t understand what I just said. “Like with a photo of him? Or with hatred for him in your heart? Or—”
“With his dick, Loni.”
“Oh.” She blinks. “And was that … recently?”
I nod. “It was a few weeks ago. He came to my dorm, and he was drunk and high.” She snorts and mutters “what else is new?” and I continue, “We started fighting and then one thing led to another and we had sex. But I regret it and wish it’d never happened.”
The lie tastes like ash on my tongue, and I’m surprised at my body’s physical reaction to my words. I don’t want to sleep with Saint again. I don’t! My brain is very firm in this idea, but my body doesn’t seem to want to listen.
Loni’s just staring at me with a blank look on her face, and I feel my heart sink to my stomach. It’s not like I can blame her. It was totally fucking stupid of me to hop into bed with that bastard after everything he’s done. I hold my breath, waiting for her to react and praying she won’t tell me I’m a fool.
At last, she opens her mouth to say something, but before she can get a word out, her phone dings. Several times.
“Hold that thought,” she murmurs, swiping her thumb across her screen and glancing down at the message. After a second, her eyes widen and she looks up at me, horrified.