My entire body stiffens. It’s such a random thing for her to say. Such a random warning to give. It doesn’t make sense in the context of the rest of her speech, talking about winter sports schedules and test make-up opportunities. There are no other warnings about alcohol or unprotected sex.
Just drugs.
I know where this is going even before she turns her cruel, triumphant glare towards me.
“Doing drugs can have terrible consequences, as Mr. Porter is tragically all too aware of.”
I turn my eyes to Saint, but he’s still not looking at me, and now I can see that it’s intentional. My heart begins to crack at the realization of what’s happening.
“A year ago, Mr. Porter’s younger brother tragically died in a fire caused by a drug lab exploding.” With each word Laurel speaks, I go a little number inside. “James Porter was the quarterback of his high school’s winning football team. He had a bright future ahead of him, and it was sadly stolen because of drugs.”
Look at me, Saint. Goddamn look at me!
Tears prick the corners of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. Laurel is going on with her talk, and I ready myself for the coming blow because I know I can’t stop it now, not even if I try to leave. She wants her pound of flesh, and she’s about to claim it.
“But James Porter did not die because he himself was using drugs. No, he died a hero.” Laurel is upping the drama. Making it hurt so much more as she slowly twists the knife in my heart. “He was trying to save one of our own, Mallory Ellis, and her unborn baby from the unsafe living environment her mother had created for her. With the grace of God, though, the entire Porter family has chosen to forgive Jennifer Ellis for her crimes.”
The room goes very still as the information is absorbed by the masses. Slowly, people begin to turn to stare at me in shock. Then, a low murmur begins to fill the room as the whispers start up. I ignore them all, though. Their pettiness and disgust don’t matter right now.
I just keep staring at Saint, who hasn’t flinched, hasn’t moved a muscle the entire time he’s been up there.
He did this. He caused this all to happen. I trusted him with my secrets, and he betrayed me worse than anyone has in my entire life.
Worse than Jenn.
Worse than Dylan.
My heart is shattering, and I can’t stop it. I don’t feel the pain because my body is shutting down. It knows I can’t handle what’s happening. Knows I’ll go insane if I feel everything my mind wants me to feel right now.
He and Laurel had done some digging. I told him about James and the fire, but that was only hours ago. I hadn’t spoken a word about the baby. My baby. My baby that I’d barely had time to come to terms with before he was lost.
I tear my gaze from Saint to look at Dylan, and he’s still staring at me. He doesn’t look satisfied or vindicated. Doesn’t look furious or hateful.
He looks cold.
Emotionless.
As if nothing fazes him anymore.
I suppose I can’t blame him for hating me. After all, James wasn’t the only person I took from him.
That’s my worst secret. The one no one knows. Not even Carley.
She always assumed the baby was James’, but it wasn’t.
No, the baby that I lost, the baby that I dreaded even having, was Dylan’s.
32
I hold my head high as I hurry from the auditorium. I need to get the fuck out of here.
“Let’s see the track marks, meth slut!”
“Did you overdose and kill your baby?”
“Trailer trash bitch!”
“I wish you’d have died in that fire.”
The taunts of my fellow students chase me out in the cool evening air. I can’t let them see how shaken I am. I can’t let them think I’m weak. Moving forward, I ignore their jeers and cruel words as best I can, though I can feel tears burning the backs of my eyes, trickling down my numb face, falling to my flushed chest.
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
This is the second most awful night of my life. The first was the night of the accident. The night of the fire that killed James. He shouldn’t have been there that night. He shouldn’t have gone running into the house because I wasn’t in there.
“Mal, wait…”
I trip over my own feet and stumble forward in shock at the voice hitting me from behind.
Slowly, I turn and meet Saint’s blue gaze. I can’t believe the balls on him. The fucking nerve to approach me now, after what he just did to me.
I don’t think. Instinct takes over completely as my feet swallow the distance between us and I bring my hand back.
The sound of the slap is like a thunderclap and everyone around us, everyone who’s leaving the assembly, goes silent. Saint’s head jerks to the side with the force of my hit, and he looks momentarily stunned.
“Let me—” he starts after several beats, but I slap him again, this time harder.
Fuck letting him do anything. Saint and I are done.
“If you come near me again, I’ll kill you. I will end you,” I scream, uncaring of the crowd gathering around us. “I mean that, Saint. I will kill you, so you and your psycho bitch just stay the fuck away from me until I—” The breath I draw in burns my lungs, but I manage to stand upright and finish, “until I leave.”
Before he can gather his wits and respond, I turn and storm away to my dorm.
He doesn’t follow.
By the time I get to my room, my phone is blowing up. Texts with pictures of my burned down house, photos of my hospital records, and nasty messages telling me I should die. A small, manic part of me is almost impressed with how quickly the students of Angelview not only found pictures of my destroyed home, but all my personal information as well. The only text that isn’t cruel comes from Loni, asking me to please open my door so she can check on me, but I’m too ashamed to answer her. Too embarrassed of the real me being exposed to someone who’s done nothing but defend me.
I throw my phone on my bed and begin to pace. My brain is running a million miles a minute, and I can’t latch onto a single rational thought. I’m overwhelmed, confused, and heartsick.
Why would Saint do this to me? Laurel, I completely understand, but him?
I thought we were past all this, but Liam was right about him all along. He found what made me bleed, then slit my throat to drain it from me.
It’s no use. I can’t think straight. I drop down onto my bed and put my head in my hands. There’s too much noise in my mind—so much fucking noise—and I can barely see straight.
I decide to go to my safe haven.
Maybe if I swim long enough, I’ll stop feeling so powerless and out of control. I push to my feet and grab a spare swimsuit, as my school one is wet and soaking in the locker room laundry. As I step out of my room, I look around to make sure the hallway is empty before I make my way through the building and back outside. I stick to the shadows as I head to the rec center, avoiding anyone I come upon, though thankfully it’s not a lot.
There are still remnants of the swim meet around the pool when I arrive. Banners are still hung to encourage and motivate the team. The trash has been picked up and the bleachers are clean at least. I don’t think anyone will disturb me here tonight. Putting my phone on silence, I lay it and my towel on a bench near the pool, then shed my t-shirt and sweatpants. I move to one of the starting blocks and dive into the water.