Shocking me after the hours of interrogation, Mrs. Gustofson’s mask of professionalism drops. She reaches out and clasps my hand. “You’re a fiery and strong young woman, Maris.”
“Young is the one thing I’m really not.”
“Try it from my vantage point,” she retorts.
My lips curve. “Then thank you.”
“I was just going to add, I’ve experienced loss.” And for just a moment, I see the seasoned pain on her face.
“The pain doesn’t go away, does it?” I ask tentatively.
She shakes her head. “But life has to go on. Sometimes the days go by and you’ll forget. At first, it will be just a moment. Then hours. This—what you’re doing—will be good for you. A child, they can bring you such joy.” Then her face turns to a blank mask once again. “But anyway, you’ll be hearing from me soon.” She reaches for the door handle.
“Mrs. Gustofson?” Her head turns back. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For doing what you do. Otherwise, people like me would never have had a chance all those years ago.”
With a brisk nod, she opens the door and sails out. I lean against the jamb until she pulls out of the driveway. Finally, I close the door and head back upstairs to right my living room. Next to my water is the pile of newspaper clippings I was handed about Smith’s. “Shit. I’ll have to call Mrs. Gustofson to let her know I have them.” Rubbing my head wearily, I know I should do it right now, but I just can’t.
Besides, I have something important to do first.
Pulling out my phone, I find the article with the image of Jed and me. Quickly using the scan feature, I contact the editor of the local paper and ask him if he can make me a copy of the picture. Then, I call Kara.
She answers on the first ring. “How did it go?”
“Well, I only partially lost my temper when she called Smith’s a bar. But I started to cry when I admitted I wanted this more than I wanted to see Jed again. And in between, I answered pretty much every question under the sun that didn’t involve a rectal probe.”
“So, what you’re saying is you need a hug?”
“God, I need one so bad.”
She puts her hand over her mouthpiece. “Jennings says I can be there in the morning. Just give him the word and he’ll fuel the plane.”
“I’m not having you get on a plane.”
“Then tell me what you need,” she pleads.
“Talk to me. Just talk to me.”
“That I’ll do anytime, anywhere.” With that, Kara begins to tell me all about her day. And for a little while, I’m transported back in time to where we used to do just this. Just talk and be us. Long before each of us met the men we’d fall in love with. Long before Jed and Dean would meet.
And well before they died.
Maris
“Maris is the most loyal human in the world. She would be utterly devastated if she ever knew I was aware of Kara and her son Kevin before I took that trip to Florida where I fell in love with Dean. But if she ever found out, I knew she would forgive me. She would just never forgive herself.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
“I’m sorry. Would you care to repeat what you said?” I try to get the words out with a straight face.
Rainey growls, “You heard me.”
And we all laugh.
I figured a FaceTime with my three best friends would be a great way to relieve my anxiety after my visit with Mrs. Gustafson. Instead, I’m debating pouring more than a respectable amount of whiskey into my cup of tea over the unsurprising yet amusing announcement Rainey just declared about working part-time for Brad. “Anyone else have any updates?” I take a sip of tea.
“Like what?” Kara chides. Her hand rests on her stomach, protectively covering Jennings’s and her second child. So many emotions swirl inside me every time her incandescent glow appears on my screen. I want to twirl in a circle with my arms in the air before I lock myself into a room and shed a few tears out of selfish pain. Yet I can’t help but think, Look at what you did, Jed. Even from beyond the grave you managed to get two of the people you loved most in the world back together where they belonged.
Love. People recognize barriers like air, land, and sea as mere excuses when the reality is the only thing that holds them back from experiencing the purity of the heart is fear. Did I use the so-called heartache over Nick to hide my real fears about love and family after the abrupt loss of my dreams? After all, it was easy to then layer the pain of one loss with another. My own heartache has caused too many vicious words to lie between us now. Hasn’t it? But now’s not the time to think about Nick. Tonight’s a night to celebrate.
I force a wonky smile onto my face. “God, I can’t believe you got knocked up again and can’t drink with us.”
Meadow and Rainey are wearing shit-eating expressions as well. The two sisters tied themselves to two of the men Kara and I affectionately dubbed “the Jacks”—a poker vernacular that means to raise the pot. Kara and I used it as a warning the men we were so enamored by were about to encroach on our conversations.
Meadow declares, “I’m glad Kody is happy with the two we have. I can’t imagine pushing out another baby.”
“Not to mention your hoo-ha being out of commission for Tinkertoy,” I drawl, sending all of us into hysterics with my use of Kody’s nickname based on his being the owner of a construction company that makes custom homes.
“I’m not saying a word,” Meadow demurs, but there’s a glint to her eyes that has Rainey asking, “Been on any picnics lately?” before a bright red heat floods across Meadow’s cheeks and we all begin to giggle.
Putting her fingers to her mouth and whistling, Meadow redirects us back to Kara. “Have you thought of names? Will you name the baby after Jennings if it’s a boy?”
“Half the time, I forget Jennings isn’t his first name,” Rainey confesses.
Kara twiddles with the hem of her shirt. “I never do.”
“It’s just something ordinary,” Rainey recalls.
“True. But even the ordinary can be complicated and may be distorted when viewed through the eyes of a child.” Kara smiles gently, reminding us all of the decisions she made about Jennings’s and her first son, Kevin. “If he wanted, needed, to leave his first name ‘John’ in the past to become the man I love, the man who will be by my side until the sky falls, who am I to question that?”
Jed’s voice whispers in my ear. Do you forgive me yet, Maris? You read what I wrote. If I thought they were in any danger, you know I would have…
Suddenly Rainey bursts out with, “Maris, did your parents ever debate naming you and Jed something else? Your names are so unique.”
Kara snickers. “After the grandparents on her mother’s side.”
“Really? What are they?” Rainey asks.
“They’re perfectly lovely names.” I say solemnly.
“What were they?”
“John and Jane.”
One second, two, then Meadow yells, “You mean if your parents didn’t choose differently you, your brother and you would have been the real life Mr. and Mrs. Smith?”