By this point, I’m can’t control my laughter. Kara’s in as bad a condition as I am. I can only manage a nod. “When that movie came out, Jed and I both bought copies for our parents for Christmas without the other knowing. Then, years later, we had a special movie poster made with us reenacting the cover art—”
“Which I have because I begged for it, so Dean stole it for me when he and Jed went back for a visit,” Kara butts in.
“—that I can’t get back no matter what I do,” I conclude.
“Tell you what. If you somehow make it here for this child’s birth, I will give it back to you,” Kara offers benevolently.
“Done,” I agree without hesitation.
Meadow is wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. “Kara, is it put away?”
“Oh, hell no. I have it hanging in my home office. Want to see it?”
“No!” I shriek as Rainey and Meadow’s simultaneous “Yeses” overrule.
Kara slides from her chair, and we hear Jennings ask where she’s going. “To the office. I need to show the girls where I hung the Smiths.”
Jennings cracks up.
I begin to yell, “I’m coming for it, buddy! Don’t let her fool you! Make sure you know I’m going to be in that delivery room right there with you!”
“Wait, what? Kara, come back here.” Jennings is still protesting as Kara moves through dimly lit hallways.
Meadow smirks. “Nice house.”
“Don’t you like it? The builder price gauged us on the crown molding. I told Jennings I want it put up as a push present.” Even as she flicks on the lights to her study, Kara winks to let Meadow know she’s joking. “Anyway, when I need a moment of peace and quiet to study when Jennings and Kevin are blowing things up, this is where I am. Meadow, thank Kody for me. It’s perfect.”
Even though I’ve seen the room before, the warm oak bookcases that make up an entire wall are so quintessentially Kara. “He did a fabulous job. Okay. Tour’s over.”
Maniacal laughter escapes Kara. “Are you seriously kidding me? Let me tell you, the opposite wall used to be blank.”
“Oh, God,” I moan.
Everyone laughs. I simply brace myself. Then Kara touches her screen to adjust her camera so we can see the display. And my heart? It flips along with the view.
On the wall is a collage of pictures meticulously hung—including the dreaded Mr. and Ms. Smith mockup Jed and I did for our parents. But what else is there is a life history of Kara, Jennings, Kevin, Dean, and—I try to swallow so I can say something—me and Jed.
Photos of all sizes, shapes, and ages. From the time Kara and Dean were young to the wedding ceremony of our brothers in the Caribbean. From Kevin’s birth, to vacations. The early years of Jennings and Kara to photos taken when we flew to see Meadow. Pictures of Dean and Jed, of Jed alone, a lifetime of pictures.
No, a lifetime of love.
And there’s an entire section of the two of us—God, where did she accumulate so many? My eyes burn as Kara holds up her iPad to show us drunken selfies, photos of us from her wedding, pictures of just me when we were thousands of miles apart and time was passing us by when we were desperate to be together and knowing we couldn’t.
How do I admit to her I screwed up? That all these years that wall could have been filled with so much more? Tears fall down my cheeks, and choked laughter bubbles out when my best friend steps back so Rainey and Meadow can get the full effect. “Here it is, ladies. Mr. and Ms. Smith,” Kara announces grandly.
But Kara knew her announcement wouldn’t be met with more laughter. “It’s beautiful,” Meadow whispers.
“I’ve never seen anything more…Brad! I have a project for you.” That’s when the tension around my heart starts to lift.
Kara flips the camera around, and I say the first thing that comes to mind. “I love you. I always will.”
“The same is true for me. Now, if you think you’re getting that poster out of my hands, we’ll just see about that.” Her voice is smug with good reason.
Maybe I won’t take the original. Maybe I’ll just ask for a copy if I make it to Florida.
And if she’s still talking to me after I explain the truth.
Later, as I prepare for bed, I pick up one of the leather-bound books that’s caused me such heartache in the last year. The one thing tarnishing my precious memories of my brother.
His journals. Journals that I found hidden beneath a monstrous number of boxes of mementos and memorabilia in his closet that I chose to start cleaning last summer.
I sit down on the edge of the bed, and a sigh rips out of me. “What compelled you to write down what you knew, Jed?”
Because you’re not the only one who’s ever felt the way you do right now.
“And for the record I wish you’d get out of my head.” I slam the book back down on the nightstand. Flopping backward, I press the heels of my hands to my eyes. There are things in there I should never have known. Things that make me ashamed of who I’ve become in order to protect the wounds I’ve sustained as a woman, physically and mentally.
And they were secrets that belonged to other people.
I stare blankly ahead at the ceiling as I talk aloud. “Brad wanted to leave Alaska for a little while, but he got Rainey pregnant which is why they got married so early. Then they lost the baby. Kody was in love with Meadow the entire time, but while Jed wanted him to man up, he suspected his advice drove him not to pursue her. Jennings had a childhood that drove him to make something of himself first to prove his self-worth, which is why my brother didn’t tell him. And Nick? God, Nick.” The heels of my hands press against my eyes.
“I owe you an apology, Nick. I have no right to hold on to old grudges, do I? You needed a friend more than anything. But like every other insipid female you likely came into contact with, I wanted something else. Yet, I knew you, Nick. We talked for hours. You told me the reason you stopped in Ketchikan, you jerk. You stopped at that damn grocery store and at the Lumberjack arena to say thank you to my brother for rescuing you because you believed he saved your life. And despite my being a bitch, you ran after me when they finished reading his will.” I swallow hard. “And here I am still being as nasty as I can. Why? Because you wrote me a sweet letter and asked me to come to see you on the most special night of your life? The night you won the belt? You made me no promises, and it’s time for me to own that. And it’s time for me to get over the absolutely nothing you did. So, no more.” Then thinking about his supreme ego, I amend my vow. “At least, I’ll try.”
I lie there for a while thinking of the other things I read in the journals I found buried in the back of Jed’s suite. I began to clean it out thinking it was time, and as I found pieces of the Jacks, I sent it to them. Without thinking, I reach over to the nightstand and pluck the latest journal I’m reading from. I left a bookmark in the spot where I finished last night. Ruthlessly, I pull it open.
“I’m worried about Maris. There’s a storm in her eyes that I’m terrified is uncontrollable. It’s almost as bad as the ones I saw in Nick’s when he and I were still living in Ketchikan.
If there was ever anything that’s convinced me the two of them were not meant to be right now, it’s this. They’d self-destruct. And instead of worrying about Maris’s broken heart, or Nick’s recklessness, I’d be worried about losing them both.