“I don’t. But maybe the answers are waiting for me.”
“I hope so. Because I’ve been searching for them for years, and what I’ve found isn’t good. For either of us.”
Maris
“I’m not sure I can forgive Nick for Vegas, even if I — barely — understand the reasons why. He’s got to get his head on straight if it takes a year, five, ten, before he comes around her again.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
“So, you and Nick are behaving…”
“Yes?”
“Like you both have a secret,” Rainey accuses. She holds out the spoon she’s stirring the beans with and points it at me. “Start talking. What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“You are such a liar,” she accuses.
More than you could possibly understand. “Honestly, nothing. We talked the other morning after the bar. And came to a mutual decision to leave the past where it belongs. Water under the bridge and whatnot,” I protest. “Nick’s not all that bad.”
Rainey’s eyes are practically popping out of her head. “If I repeat this conversation to the girls, they’re immediately going to demand to know if you’re ill or what medication you’re taking.” She reaches over the counter and feels my forehead. “Nope. No fever.”
I can’t prevent the grin that leaps onto my face. “Swear to you, I’m not ill. No drugs either.”
“Christ, what the hell happened?” she demands.
The smile fades from my face as I slide onto a barstool. “Honestly?” At her nod, I continue. “I think I grew up. Is it Nick’s fault I still had feelings for so long? No,” I answer myself before Rainey can.
It’s a large part of the truth in any case, even if it’s not everything. But I can’t betray my brother, nor Nick, by disclosing what I read in Jed’s journals. Maybe Brad’s shared Nick’s past, but it’s not mine to. Instead I tell Rainey, “I did a lot of soul-searching. And how much of my behavior was overly aggressive towards him because I was bitter over something that happened years ago? There were no promises between us—implied or otherwise. In other words, I wasted my life and I have no one to blame but myself, but I’m taking the steps to rectify that. Going through the process to foster and then—fingers crossed—adopt David? I feel renewed.”
Rainey opens and closes her mouth. Then she simply puts down the spoon she was stirring the beans with before she comes around the counter and envelops me in a huge hug. “You didn’t waste your life, Maris.” Her words are muffled.
“You’re one of my best friends. Of course you have to say that.”
“When have you ever known me to mince words?”
My lips curve. “Oh, I’m sure I can think of a time or two.”
“Since we formed the Jacks’ sisterhood,” she challenges me.
“Well, if you’re putting those kinds of parameters on it,” I tease, “I guess the answer is never.”
Releasing me, she goes back and picks up her beer. “Damn straight. Not with Brad, not with the guys, not with any of you.” She gives me a mock salute as she takes a pull of her drink.
“Then tell me, oh wise one, what I should do about the fact Nick kissed me?” I’m so glad I waited to ask until she’d just taken a drink when a spray of beer comes flying out of her mouth. I lean forward and rest my chin on my fist. “Hmm?”
“This is the shit you tell me the minute you enter the door! You’ve been here for almost an hour!” Rainey slams her beer on the counter and immediately dashes for her iPad.
Within seconds, my phone rings with an incoming FaceTime request. “Dialing me by mistake?” I drawl.
“Just answer your phone,” she grouches.
“Why?” But I do as she asks, knowing exactly who else will be waiting.
I’m not disappointed.
Meadow picks up first, Kara right after. “Uh-oh. I recognize that look on Rainey’s face. Someone’s about to get it.” Meadow immediately begins to laugh.
I try for an angelic expression, but Rainey hisses, “Don’t you even dare, Maris Ione Smith.”
Kara smothers a laugh. “All three names? What on earth could you have done?”
“She. Kissed. Nick!” Rainey screeches.
Then there’s absolute silence. I know Rainey’s as confused as I am because she begins to shake her iPad up and down. “For Christ’s sake, Rainey. You’re in the same room as me and you’re making me nauseous with that. Either we lost connection, or you sent them into shock.”
Rainey stops immediately, becoming concerned. “And Kara’s pregnant? God, I didn’t even think of that.”
I roll my eyes. And that’s when I hear it.
Applause.
It’s slow and steady, but it comes through my phone and Rainey’s iPad a little off sync. I immediately glance down to see which one of our friends is being the smart-ass only to get the shock of my life.
Meadow’s on her feet applauding. Kara, on mute, has her hand out to Jennings. He’s slapping a twenty into it with a rueful smile before he disappears from screen. Then she too begins to cheer. “It’s about damn time!”
“Did I enter a time warp where Nick’s head hasn’t firmly been planted up his ass?” Rainey asks, confused.
Meadow, Kara, and I all answer, “No,” simultaneously. But even as we’re all giggling, Kara poses a question that has us all sucking in a breath. “Why did Jed leave Nick his cross? Knowing what Nick and Maris had been through? There had to be a reason. The symbolism of that meant too much. After I was able to look at things analytically, then I was able to add one and one together.”
“And Jennings gave you the correct answer.” I glare at my best friend. Out of the corner of my eye, Rainey glances away on-screen. There’s my confirmation; I can only presume she knows as well.
“No. He wouldn’t share those kinds of confidences with me. You should know that,” Kara chastises me. I blush to the roots of my hair, because I do. These men consider each other brothers for a reason. “All he did was confirm Nick’s been searching for a way to pierce the barrier between you both. Seems like he found it.”
I open my mouth, and nothing comes out because how much has really been said between me and Nick versus how much do I know? He broke through some of my barriers because he finally read about the past. That shocked him, that bite of mortality. It made him realize the world was still going to spin around whether he was a part of it or not. But, “It’s not quite what you’re thinking, Kara. He hasn’t shared with me. It’s been one-sided.”
“Shit,” Rainey mutters.
“Damn. And here I was hoping…” Kara says softly.
“Everything I know about Nick, from Nick, is exactly the same. So, Rainey’s shock is valid and genuine. I don’t know why I kissed him the first time. Or why I let him kiss me the second.” I slide off the stool and begin to prowl around the room with my phone in hand. “There’s something different. I know it. But can I trust it?”