“How is it you don’t resent me for not being here?” I ask her the question I’ve been holding back. “My love for you is just as strong as it was back then. How can you not hate me when so much could have been different?”
She fiddles with the string of my sweatshirt before letting it drop. “There were days I thought I did, don’t kid yourself, none worse than Vegas.”
The words strike me harder than the kick she landed earlier. “Ouch.”
“But if you were drowning and I was sinking, would either of us been able to have saved each other?”
“No. We’d have just pulled each other deeper into the abyss.”
“Exactly.” Her hands flatten on my chest before she tugs at the cross she’s wearing. The cross I figured Jed meant for his sister to have when things were right between us. It never felt quite right to wear it, but damn, it makes my heart skip a beat to see it around her neck. “The last time Jed was home, he tried to talk to me about you. Dean was sitting right over there.” She nods in the direction of the family room.
“I imagine that went over well.” My voice is full of irony, even knowing Jed was trying to get her to Albuquerque at a later date to fix the breach between us.
She pulls the chain between her lips and slides the cross forward back. “Uh-huh.”
I bark out a laugh before tugging the chain out from between her lips so I can kiss her all too briefly. “Do you have more questions?”
“Just one. It’s a fairly substantial one.”
“What’s that?” I brace myself.
“We’re not like related or anything? You and Jed ruled that out, I hope?” Her impish smile lights the stars that live inside her eyes.
I don’t bother to answer, not with words anyway. Instead, I bend down and catch her around the waist with my shoulder. Standing up, I hook the back of her knees with my arm before announcing, “We both smell. Time for a shower.”
“Goodie. Does this mean I get to scrub you everywhere?”
I almost drop her at the provocative image her words conjure up in my brain. To retaliate, I give her ass a love tap.
Which, being Maris, she promptly returns. “Tit for tat, buddy.”
“I’ll take tit anytime, Sunshine.” I bound up the stairs with her musical laughter trailing out behind.
And while I’m soaping up her body and hearing her moans echo off the shower walls a short time later, I send my thanks skyward for several things.
For our timing finally being right.
That Maris’s main concern was my well-being and not the nitty-gritty details.
And for the Smiths’ foresight in investing in indoor plumbing all those years ago when they built this house.
“Aren’t you concerned about loving an adopted child differently?” I ask her as we plow our way through a bowl full of pasta after our shower.
“Now? Not in the slightest. Honestly, the only time I gave it any thought was the years immediately after I had surgery. And for a while, I just debated giving up the idea of having a family at all.” I hope Maris doesn’t notice my small flinch as I reach for my water because I still can’t wrap my mind around the idea she can’t have children. I just don’t want her misunderstanding why.
I still remember one night when we sat outside by the old fire pit and she boldly declared, “I’m going to fill every one of those bedrooms up with babies, Nick. People are going to get so used to seeing this belly round, they won’t recognize me without it.” Maris proceeded to bend her back so far out it was almost a vertical back bend.
And one of the many times she secretly had me in stitches. “And what about Jed? Where’s he going to live?” I asked instead of rising to the bait of asking about her future husband or baby daddy.
She turned around and finally pointed to a patch of land on the far corner of the property. “He can pitch a tent there.”
Even I couldn’t hold in my laughter at that point. “So generous.”
And to think now, those bedrooms will remain unused unless, “Are you planning on adopting more than one child?” I wonder aloud.
“Let me get through the process with one first, please and thank you. I might have an anxiety attack before I get to hold my son in my arms.”
“Fair enough.” But the image of that long-ago Maris still won’t fade. “You’d be a terrific Mom to one or a dozen though.”
Just as she was about to take another bite of pasta, she lays the fork down next to the side of her bowl. “Would you mind repeating that?”
After I do, she presses her hand to her lower stomach. “That’s what I thought you said.” Maris shoves to her feet and moves to the window. She stands there unmoving.
“What did I say?” I put my own bowl to the side and move in behind her.
“You said those exact words to me one night when I used to joke around about having a big family. After…after everything, Jed used to say something similar, but I blew it off.” She lets out a breath that stirs the fine hair around her face. I lift my hand and brush it back. Maris reaches up and clasps my hand against her cheek. “It just threw me off hearing those words from your mouth again. That’s all.”
I want to open my mouth and volunteer to be the man to give her as many children as she wants. I have a home that’s larger than this which we can raise them in. Between us there’s so much love, I don’t know what’s holding me back.
Yes, I do. She doesn’t want to leave, and I have no choice but to go.
Tick tock.
Even as I pass my hand over and over her glossy mane, I don’t know exactly when I’m going to give voice to this problem, but I’m not living without Maris in my life. We’ll figure something out. But what if that’s not what she wants? That voice nags me again.
Like she can sense the disquiet in me through my touch, Maris whirls away from the window and asks, “What is it?”
Instead of telling her right then what I know, what’s been eating at me, I just yank her into my arms and kiss her. I feel the chain bite into the palm of my hand, a reminder of who and what she is to me. Not just Maris, but a Smith. I’ve waited for years to hold her so close to me, I can’t let her slip away just because I have to go now that my job’s done.
It’s been done for days.
The only reason I’m still here is her.
And very soon, I have to leave. Is there any good way to tell her?
Maris
“I’m not certain if Maris understood how much Nick feels for her. If she did, would she punch him in the face? It’s entirely a possibility.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
Tonight is hopping at the Brewhouse. I’m glad Kristina made the decision to call me because we’re at full capacity. I sashay past my bartender, KJ, and yell loud enough so she can hear, “Is it a full moon or something?”
“Or something,” she shouts back.
“Give me a clue.”
“Rumor has it the Champ is in town. Since everyone knows you guys are tight, they’re figuring he might drop by.”
“Remind me to text Nick to tell him to stay the hell home.” I roll my eyes.