“Charley,” I said, going to her and making her stop with my hands on her arms. “What’s up?”
She sighed. “I just… You behaved abominably! That’s the truth. What you said about that kid was unforgivable! And just for a laugh.” She looked at me, a frown on her face. She flailed her arms as she stepped away from me. “I just don’t know who you are anymore. You’re just so… So…” She grunted in annoyance. “I just can’t believe some of the inane bullshit that comes out of your mouth–”
“Can I butt in here and ask if the apology was just the fore-runner to your well-chosen insults?”
She rolled her eyes and huffed loudly. “No! I was gonna…” She bit her lip in frustration.
“Charley…” I said slowly. “If you want to yell at me, yell at me. I’m a big boy, I can take it.
“I don’t want to yell at you,” she yelled at me.
I blinked. “Okay. So… What do you want from me, Charley?” I asked it softly. It wasn’t a demand, I just wanted to know what I could do, if there was anything I could do.
“I… I want you to be the little boy who never left my side. I want you to be the boy who offered his pencils to Georgie Parker in Year Four. I want you to be the kid who used to put others first, not put them down.” She sighed, tears glistening in her eyes. “I want you to be my Zane.”
My heart hitched. “I am your Zane,” I told her, meaning so much more than those words.
She looked at me. There was a hint of a smile at her lips, her eyes full of hope. “I just… You are such a dick!”
I huffed a laugh. “This is a Grade-A apology, Char.”
She flailed her arms again, but stepped towards me. “No,” she admitted. “This is an apology.”
“Could have fooled me.”
A small smile lit her face. “I’m not going to apologise for yelling at you–”
“Wouldn’t want you to.”
“–and I’m not apologising for…saying what I said.”
I nodded. “Good.”
“Or calling you what I did.”
“Excellent.”
“But I am apologising for giving up on you.”
Now I frowned. “What?”
She took another step toward me and I didn’t know if I was hopeful or concerned. “I gave up on you, Zane. I shouldn’t have assumed you’d never learn. I shouldn’t have thought a total jerk was just who you were now. I shouldn’t have stopped trying to remind you of the great guy you really are when you’re not showing off to you friends.”
I took a step. “I gave you four and a half years of doubt, Char. I don’t blame you.”
“You should. Real friends don’t give up on each other.”
My heart went with concern as it took a nose dive into my stomach. “Friends.”
“We are friends, aren’t we?”
I cleared my throat. “No. Of course. Sure we are.”
“More like family really, no matter what happens we’re still here for each other.”
I started to nod, then stopped. “No.”
“What?”
I shook my head. “No, Charley.”
“What do you mean, no?”
“I mean I don’t want to just be friends any more. I don’t want to be like family. I want to. If that’s all we can be, I don’t want to be that damned selfish. But I can’t go back now.”
“Zane…” she whispered. “I didn’t–”
“I can’t.” I shrugged wildly. “I know I screwed up. But I’ve loved you almost my whole life. I don’t remember when there wasn’t you and I don’t want to know what my life looks like without you. I never have. I always thought we’d be part of each other. I just didn’t realise I wanted more. Everything. I don’t want to be the guy you come to when you have a break up. I want to be the guy who gets to love you every day. I don’t want to be the guy you tell about your first time. I want to be your first time. I don’t want to be the best man at your wedding. I want to be the one waiting for you down the aisle. I don’t want…” She was biting her lip against a laugh. “What?”
She shook her head, still fighting the laugh. “I just…” Her nose wrinkled in sympathy and she came to stand in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “I didn’t mean we couldn’t be more. Or that I didn’t want more.”
“But you said friends?”
She reached up to cup my cheek and I leant into her hand. “You’re not going to stop being my friend just because you’re my boyfriend, are you?”
There was a mad fluttering in my chest. “Boyfriend?”
She nodded. “Boyfriend. I don’t think we’re ready for husband just yet.” She smirked ruefully.
“Ah. So, when I said that, it was totally theatrical. I meant–”
She leant up and kissed me. When she pulled away, she was still smiling. “I’m not saying no. I’m just suggesting we give this more than a few weeks.”
I nodded. “Yeah, no. Totally agree.”
Chapter 23: Charley
It was official. Zane and I were dating.
Well, we’d made it official between us. Working out how to navigate the waters of high school with our new reality was going to be another thing entirely.
What business of it was the school’s that we were dating? Good point. Well made. Unfortunately, not how the world works.
I took a deep breath as Zane pushed the school door open, with a firm – and somewhat comforting – grip on the hand he’d convinced me to let him hold. Because apparently, we had to make an entrance. It wasn’t enough that I’d stooped to agreeing to date him, in his mind we had to make a thing of it.
Of course, I didn’t really care. If I did, I wouldn’t have made the move from best friend to girlfriend so unhesitatingly.
I just knew he cared, so I was going to complain and drag my heels at every opportunity. But Zane knew me the best out of anyone in the world. So, he let me whinge and even played along with my charade.
People stared unashamedly at us as we passed. Zane was his usual level of cool, strolling along like it made no difference if he had Swamp Thing or Jennifer Lawrence trailing after him. He ran a cocky hand through his hair as he kicked his chin in greeting to a few people and I marvelled at the ease he felt.
I felt like my heart was about to vibrate out of my chest, it was pounding so quick and hard. My palms felt sweaty, but Zane showed no sign of wanting to let go. Too many people were looking at us. Too many people had an opinion – I could see it on their faces.
But then Zane pulled me closer, put his arms around my shoulders and kissed my temple.
Everything settled.
Everything felt normal and right again.
What did it matter whose hand I held? They didn’t know what we’d been through to get there. I was Charlotte Baines, self-proclaimed hard arse, sardonic outsider and soldier for justice. That didn’t change just because I wanted to hold Zane’s hand. I was more than their judgement of me.