I’m reaching out to push one of the doors open when a voice says Tommy’s name from behind us. A girl’s voice.
We all turn to see Sienna standing behind us looking stunning in a tight silver dress that sparkles in the light.
“You look amazing,” she says kind of nervously to Tommy at the same time as he says, “Hey.”
Mentally I facepalm. Obviously, him asking Sienna to the prom fucking hurts, but it’s not her fault. I like Sienna. We hang out at the skatepark sometimes.
“I love your dress,” I say. “It looks really good on you.”
Beside me, I think Javid is blushing. I figure he must like Sienna too.
“You look great,” Tommy says eventually. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, and I can tell from his voice that he’s tense.
Maybe he does really like her, I think bleakly.
Sienna steps forwards, and Tommy finally gets with the picture and holds out his elbow for her to link on to. She whispers something in his ear.
I stare after them as they push open the double doors into the hall. Tommy glances over his shoulder at me before the door shuts, but I can’t read the look on his face. It’s too complicated. Why oh why does everything always have to be so fucking complicated?
You knew this was going to happen.
Yes. I bite the inside of my cheek. Yes, I did. I just didn’t really think about it. I kind of imagined we’d still hang out together, Sienna another spoke in our wheel as we all danced. It wasn’t like I ever thought Tommy would dance with me alone. It wasn’t like I ever thought he’d act like my date. Like he wanted to be here with me.
My smile feels brittle as I turn to Javid. “Let’s grab some punch, then fucking show them all how to move.” I know Javid doesn’t have a date tonight either, and I know he doesn’t have many friends at school apart from Tommy and me, though the fact doesn’t seem to bother him too much as he’ll happily chat to anyone.
Javid nods, then says quietly in my ear, “I won’t tell anyone, but you should be the one dancing with Tommy. He’s being silly. It makes me sad.”
I shrug, a little crushed under the weight of everything I want. One day it’s going to flatten me. I know I can’t let it though. I can’t ever let it. So I drag on a bigger smile and say, “Everyone’s silly about something.” Which is true. Too true maybe.
Turns out some weights end up flattening you whatever you do though.
Deep down, I know it would be easier if I didn’t watch Tommy and Sienna dancing beside the far too heavily decorated Christmas tree, but I keep turning my head and doing it, like I’m trying to build up some sort of inner resistance to the pain. It doesn’t work. Nowhere near. I have zero fucking immunity. My heart is being stabbed with pieces of broken glass. I’m not sure how much more I can take.
At quarter past ten, I find out.
I’m thinking about going over and dancing with them (or maybe just warning them that the bloody tree is definitely leaning now), just once before making my way home, but when I turn my head, his mouth is on hers, his eyes closed, his arms around her.
Like a sheer physical force, hurt slams into me, stealing all the air from my lungs, and I stagger out of the room, through the foyer and down the steps outside, letting the wash of cold night air hit my face like a slap. I gasp in a breath, then another, but still I feel like I’m suffocating. I need to get out of here. I’ve made such a complete fool of myself. Tommy never wanted me. Not like that. Not like he wants Sienna. Friends is all we could ever be. I’ve been lying to myself. How could I have been so fucking stup—
“If you’re leaving you need to sign out,” Decker calls from behind me. But I can’t even respond, I just stumble forwards down the drive and into the darkness, my arms hugging my chest the only thing keeping me from falling apart.
“Kim…! Kim, wait!”
I’m at the end of the drive, where it meets the road. One way takes me through the woods, but if I walk by the side of the dual carriageway, I’m probably less likely to have a heart attack from some random noise in the dark, less likely to get murdered, my body buried under leaves to be found by some poor dog walker. I stomp towards the road.
“Kim! Please.”
I don’t want to stop. I really don’t, but the catch in Tommy’s voice is from more than being out of breath.
I swipe at my eyes before I turn around. My eyeliner is probably a right mess. People seeing how upset you are is almost as bad as being upset. I hate it.
Tommy’s chest heaves as he stares at me. He opens his mouth and closes it again. He looks like he’s going to be sick.
I wrap my arms even tighter around my ribs. “I just want to go home, alright.”
“Don’t. Please. I…” He squeezes his eyes shut.
I sigh and say softly, “I’m not a mind reader, Tommy.” I’m tired and I’m done and I can’t say the words for him. I turn to go, but he holds out his hand. I don’t take it, but I don’t walk away either.
“I’m scared.”
His voice breaks and fuck and damnit it gets to me so much deeper than I want it to. Like all the way inside. And it hurts. I never wanted to fall so hard for him. I never wanted this. Ever. Fuck love. Fuck it all. I glare at him.
He nods and swallows like he’s listening to my innermost thoughts. “You’ve a right to be angry with me. I’m sorry.” With a sniff, I drag my hand across my eyes again. “I’ve been such a dick. I didn’t know what to do when she kissed me and—”
“I don’t care.” I do, but I can’t listen to him talking about kissing Sienna right now. I’m not trying to make it hard for him, but I don’t think I can make it easier either.
“I care…I care about you.” He really does look like he’s going to throw up. “I care about you,” he says again, like it’s easier the second time, and it must be as he no longer looks like he’s going to lose his dinner.
But I need more than that. “You should go back. You have a date.”
“Fuck.” He drags his hand through his hair, glances around before looking back at me. “Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do.”
I stare at him because I don’t want to do this right now…I can’t. It’s just going to break my heart. Tommy is going to break my heart. And probably his own too if he can’t sort out how he feels. I turn on my heel and start to walk away, feel his fingertips brush my hand, and half a second later his arms are around me, his lips touching mine, though just barely. But enough. Fuck. Definitely enough.
He backs off, looking half-shocked and half like he expects me to slap him. My heart thumps.
“All I thought about when she kissed me was you. All I ever think about is you. From the minute I wake up in the morning, to the minute I close my eyes at night. Being with you makes me feel so alive. I’ve never felt like this with anyone. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want yo—”
His mouth is still moving, his lips soft against mine. A flare of heat seems to jolt between us, and then we’re really kissing, open-mouthed, the world on fire.
We end up on the now frosty grass, me on his lap kissing the fuck out of him. Him kissing the fuck out of me. This is definitely not a one-sided rodeo. I can feel the hard length of his dick pressed against my inner thigh. Every time I shift, he groans into my mouth and kisses me harder, which makes me want to rub my thigh against him more and more.