And the more I spend time with her, the more I like her. She manages to make single parenting look easy. And Daisy is the most adorable child outside of my own girls. I really enjoyed both their company.
I had to leave quickly at the end of the movie because I was worried I would say or do something stupid. I have so many weird emotions running through my brain, and no way to process them.
How can I want to kiss Tash when I still love Rachel? Would Tash just be a rebound? I was with Rachel for so long that I don’t know what would normally happen next. What is the right amount of time to take before moving on? If I asked Tash out in the near future, would I be sabotaging a chance for something real between us later?
And then there’s the question of whether Tash even has feelings for me. She turned me down last night, and rightly so, but was it only because I’d been drinking? She’s a successful and confident woman. What would she want with an ex-reality-TV contestant who just had his family abandon him?
I wander around my empty house; the silence illustrating how depressing my life is right now. It feels wrong not to have the girls asleep in their bedroom and Rachel curled up on the couch nearby.
As soon as this tour is over, I’m flying to the UK. I don’t care if I have to spend all my money on travel and hiring a private detective; I would do anything to see the girls again.
I kick off my shoes, get myself a beer out of the fridge, and flop down in front of the TV. I hate sleeping in my bed alone and have been crashing on the couch instead. Late-night infomercials have been keeping me company.
Jeez. My life is pathetic.
***
I have five days before the tour continues, and I am not looking forward to them. Five days to dwell on the absence of my children and the continued feelings of betrayal from Rachel.
While I don’t need the money, I ask my friend Eli if I can do a few extra shifts at his coffee shop. As it turns out, one of his regular employees is sick, so he takes me up on the offer. It’s a little boutique place on Elizabeth Street, and for some reason, no one seems to notice who I am when I’m there. Not that it bothers me if people judge. Just because I was on TV and perform in the entertainment industry doesn’t make me any more special than people who work in hospitality. In fact, hospitality is harder. The pay should be better than what it is.
I spend Monday and Tuesday lost in the mindlessness of making coffee and wiping down tables. And in between, I work on some new tunes. My lyrics aren’t literal, but they definitely help me process some of the emotions I’m going through. Betrayal by Rachel. Despair at not seeing the twins. And hope after spending time with Tash and Daisy.
On Wednesday, I get home from the café and find a cooler bag on my doorstep. Upon opening it, I find a bunch of Japanese meals. I take them inside and read the note stuck to one of the containers.
Thought you might want to try a few of my favourite dishes :)
Tash
P.S. They’re all vegetarian friendly.
I pull out each container, labelled with their contents. The first one is a bento box with teriyaki tofu, tempura vegetables, and a salad doused in sesame dressing. The next is okonomiyaki, which I remember from the day Tash cooked for me. The third is a cold soba noodle salad, and the fourth is some nori rolls. They all look delicious, and I have to stop myself from opening all of them and eating everything right then and there. Instead, I leave out the bento box and put the rest in the fridge.
As I eat the tofu, I find myself comparing Rachel to Tash. Rachel would never have left food on anyone’s doorstep. Somehow, I know this was not the first time Tash has done it.
My shattered heart doesn’t ache so much today. And in fact, a tiny part of it is now reserved for Tash. A warm and happy corner I hope will continue to expand.
I send her a text.
Thank you for the food. I’m already eating the bento box and it is amazing. XOXO
She writes back. I’m glad you like it. I knew you’d probably be busy with rehearsals, so I thought you might not have time to cook properly.
While I’m not too busy to cook, I have been feeling sorry for myself. Making dinner for just one person has not seemed worth it.
Me: I really appreciate it. We’ll have to hang out again sometime soon. I’ll let you know when I’m back from the tour.
Tash: Sounds good. Keep me posted!
I stare at my phone, smiling. I love how natural everything feels with that woman. I’ll have to keep in touch with her while I’m away. The middle of October is too long to wait before I talk to her again.
***
Just before I’m about to collapse onto the couch for the night, my phone rings. Felix.
“Hey! How are you?” I ask. He’s been texting most days to see how I am, but this is the first time he’s called in a while.
“Good. Looking forward to seeing you again when you come to Sydney.”
“Me, too. It’s annoying because this is the first time I can stay at your place without worrying about anything getting damaged, but Max is making me stay at a hotel with the band.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know. Something to do with wanting us to be easily accessible. We have a radio interview before the show, so I’m just doing what I’m told.”
“That’s fine. As long as I’m on your VIP list for tickets?”
“Of course. I’ve reserved a seat for you in the front row.”
“Can I bring a plus one?”
“Sure. Who are you thinking?”
“Tash.”
I’m caught off-guard. “Oh, right. I keep forgetting you two are friends without me.”
He laughs. “You sound jealous, buddy.”
“No, no. Have you already mentioned the idea to her?”
“Nope. I thought I’d leave that up to you.”
If I’m being honest, the idea of inviting Tash to one of my other shows is exciting. But I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. What if she rejects me? What if she thinks the gesture is too over-the-top? Offering someone a ticket to an interstate concert is kind of a big deal.
“But then I’d have to consider the airfare…”
“We’ll split the cost if you’re worried about money.”
“It’s not that. It’s just, don’t you think it will scare her off?”
“Um, you think a hot rockstar offering free flights and concert tickets to someone will scare them?”
“It could.”
“I think the real question is, does it scare you?”
“A little.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I’m fucked up at the moment, Felix! I haven’t heard from Rachel or the girls in months! I can barely stand it.”
“Yet you sent flowers to Tash and spent the evening with her and her daughter.”
“She told you that, huh?”
“We’re practically besties. Of course she told me.”
“Did she also tell you that I tried to kiss her and she turned me down?”
“Ah, yes. Because you were drunk.”
“But that might have just been an excuse.” I don’t want to tell him about the food she dropped by. He would just use that as extra ammunition against me.
“It wasn’t. Believe me.”
“Did she tell you specifically?”