“I don’t hate anything,” he says, sitting down on the opposite side of the bed.
“Well that’s a relief. I’m trying to eat more vegetables and not as many carbs. It’s hazardous to be around bread all day.”
He takes a bite and chews. He keeps sneaking glances at me, like there’s something he can’t figure out.
“Is the pizza okay?”
“It’s great,” he says immediately.
“So then why are you giving me that look?”
He looks down at his plate. “Well, what are the rules?”
“Rules? You mean for me and you?”
“Yeah. The rules. I like to know where I stand.”
I set a pizza crust down on my plate and turn to look at him. I like to know where I stand, he’d said. As I gaze into his light brown eyes, I realize that it’s a simple request, but it’s not a demand that I’ve ever learned to make.
I’ve gotten too used to living on the edge, never knowing where I stand. At seventeen, I knew I could get kicked out of my parents’ house at any moment. Eventually I did. And at nineteen, I learned not to trust anyone, because they might rob you in your sleep.
So it’s really no surprise that I spent three years with a man who refused to even acknowledge our relationship. I offered myself to him without reservations, and he treated me like the snack buffet on the club level of a fancy hotel—grazing on my love when it suited him, and ignoring me the rest of the time.
Kieran Shipley waits quietly while my thoughts ping around like caffeinated ping-pong balls. Forty minutes ago he manhandled me into the living room and removed my jeans. But now he’s watching me with soft eyes, and I don’t even know what to do with all his patience.
“Hot mess, here,” I say, holding up a hand. “I’m not very handy with rules. But I’ll make some if you want me to. Like I said before, I don’t want you to end up hating me.” I need to keep my job, and I’d rather not alienate the guy whose house I’m living in.
“Roddy, I’m never going to wind up hating you.”
So you say. “What rules were you looking for? Are you worried that I’ll invade your space? Too much togetherness?”
“No, uh, the opposite.” He shakes his head. “What am I allowed to do. What am I allowed to touch?”
“Oh, honey. I told you that I gave up on trying to stay away from you. Pretty sure there’s no part of me you can’t have if you want it. What else?”
He likes the sound of that. Those brown eyes look warmer. “Well, you told me you use Grindr sometimes.”
“Oh.” Now I feel like a tool. I should have guessed what he was thinking about. “No, I haven’t had any Grindr hookups in more than three years. I’d only downloaded it because I was curious what it was like in Vermont. I chatted with a few guys just because I was lonely. But I’ll delete it tomorrow.”
“Okay.” He lifts his chin and studies me. “I don’t know how these things work. But I don’t think I can share.”
My needy heart likes the sound of that. “They work however we say they work. And I know your lack of experience embarrasses you a little bit.” His eyes flip up and then right back down again. But he gives me a quick nod. “The truth is that we’ve both probably had the same number of healthy relationships.”
“Zero?” He snorts.
“Yeah. That many. So you’re smart to bring this up. But I wouldn’t live in your house and fool around with you while also fooling around with someone else. That’s too complicated, even for me.”
“Okay.” I get a quick smile.
“On the other hand, I sure don’t want to get on your nerves. If you don’t want me in your bed, or whatever, you can just say so.”
“I want you in my bed, preferably naked,” he says immediately. “That’s easy. But the other hours of the day are more complicated.”
“Because of work,” I say slowly. Kieran is in the closet. Or more accurately, he’s still experimenting. And the truth is that I don’t really need to be the face of Kieran’s sexual exploration. “Work is a problem. I guess we’ll have to be very discreet.”
He nods. “It’s private. My family has no clue.”
“Right. I understand.” But oh, the irony! I promised myself that after all that time helping Brian hide our relationship that I would never get myself into this situation again. But here I go.
This is a totally different situation, though. Kieran isn’t trying to manipulate me. He’s just sowing his first queer oats.
I just have to remember that.
Kieran grows thoughtful again, finishing his dinner in silence. Then I gather our empty plates and stack them on the tray, while he finds the next episode of Silicon Valley on his computer.
When I return to the bed, he’s balancing the laptop on his lap, searching for the right viewing angle for both of us. “Can you see this?” he asks. “Wait. Let me try this.” He tucks the computer between us on the mattress and fusses with the position. “Maybe the screen is too small for this.”
“Kieran, man, let me help. The problem isn’t the small screen.”
“Then what is?”
I pick up the computer. “Don’t take this the wrong way. But your cuddle game is weak.”
“My—?”
“Let me show you how this is done. Lift up your left arm.” I nudge it upward until it’s shoulder height. “Just like that. Now…” I shove a pillow against the wall and then move my ass until I’m snugged against him, tucked under his arm and leaning against his muscular chest. The laptop lands on my knees, and we’re close enough that we can both see the screen.
“Oh,” he says softly.
“Yeah, see?” I hit Play and relax against him.
For the first few minutes of the show, he doesn’t move a muscle or relax. Kieran isn’t used to being touched, but I’m a cuddle whore of the highest order, and undeterred by his hesitation. I stretch out against his body, my hand finding one of his muscular thighs beneath the sheet. And I gently sift my fingertips through the soft hairs at the top of his knee while I watch.
Bit by bit he relaxes, too, until one wide palm cups my ass, and his other hand rests snugly on my chest.
And I’m like a happy housecat, drowsing against his bare skin, his chest bouncing against my ear whenever he laughs. This blissful, simple moment is everything I ever wanted. Why does life have to be so fucking complicated, when this right here is so easy?
Snuggling closer, I reach up and stroke his bare chest with light fingers. I’m rewarded with a happy sigh.
“Another?” I ask when the episode ends. I could stay here my whole life.
“Maybe,” he says, catching my fingers. “But it’s hard to concentrate when you’re touching me like that.”
“Is it? The problem is that you have no cuddle stamina. We’ll have to work on that.” I turn in his arms until I can see his warm brown eyes. I can’t believe I ever thought I could resist Kieran Shipley. This lonely man needs me almost as badly as I need him. “Maybe that’s enough TV, then.”
I fumble for the laptop, clicking it shut. I roll my body all the way onto Kieran’s, and, without waiting for an invitation, I kiss him.