“Hey, Mom, what if we invite Diane and Robert over for Thanksgiving? It’s only the four of us here, and they don’t have any family around. It could be fun,” I ask casually. The last thing I want is my mother making this out to be more than it is.
Mom walks over to me while drying her hands on her apron, “It’s already done, dear. Now, why don’t you tell me what’s going on between you and Robert.”
Shocked, she would bring him up, and not wanting to dive into our newfound relationship, I brush it off. “There’s really nothing to tell. He’s my tutor. I like him, and he likes me.”
“Well, are you two dating? Diane says he’s been over the moon crazy ever since the homecoming dance.”
“Yea. I mean, I guess we’re dating.” I don’t know why, but the idea of talking about my dating life with my mother, let alone anyone in my family, bothers me.
“Honey, you know I love you, but I want you to be cautious. His dad—”
“Mom,” I cut her off and am suddenly incredibly protective towards anything to do with Robert. “He told me all about his dad and the awful things he did. He told me why he and his mom disappeared. It was incredibly difficult for them. He’s nothing like his father. He’s kind and sweet and gentle. He encourages me and believes in me even when I don’t believe in myself.” Tears begin to pool in my eyes. Quickly I brush them off. I refuse to let her doubts about him get in the way of what we have.
“It sounds like you might even love him.”
Quickly I raise my eyes from the dough.
“I remember what it was like to be young once; be careful, dear, it’s all I’m asking.”
I go back to my pie while Mom finishes chopping the carrots for a stew later on in the week. At least the conversation wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been.
“Do you have any condoms, dear? I can pick some up from the grocery store next time I’m in town.”
Oh, holy hell! “Mom!” Forget what I just said about our conversation not being so bad.
“Well, you can never be too careful.”
Gram lets a mmhmm slip out, “That’s how your mother was conceived. Your Gramps begged for a quickie, said it would only take two minutes, and well, your mother was created, and I learned Gramp’s two minutes are about the same as mine when he’s rushing me out the door.”
Not the image I want in my mind. “Can we please not talk about this?” I beg to continue working in silence.
“Well, it’ll be too late to talk about it once you’re pregnant, dear. I’ll pick some up for you. Your father would kill me if he came back home to the news that he was gonna be a grandpa.”
“Mom! Please stop. Yes, I’m still a virgin. Do I want to have sex? Sure. But I’m not in a rush to give it up. Jesus Christ! We’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks. Y’all may be like horny rabbits, but I’m not, and I want my first time to be special.”
“And it will be honey, but you have to remember you and Robert have known each other for much longer than the two of you let on.”
“Oh my God! I cannot believe I’m having this conversation right now! And with my mother and grandmother of all people.”
“And what conversation are we having, exactly?” Gramps walks into the kitchen and reaches for a few diced carrots and places a kiss on Gram's cheek before she swats him away. “Something smells delicious, by the way.”
“Oh, you know, the one about condoms and our sweet little Presley losing her virginity.”
Dear Lord, please take me now. I’ve lived a good life. Met a great guy. It’s a shame I won't be alive much longer for us to enjoy our time together, but I’m sure he will understand my passing from extreme mortification. I pray he finds someone else, not Heather though, or I’ll haunt him until he takes his last breath.
“Well, you’re awfully quiet there, peanut. Anything you want to say?”
“Kill me. Please. Someone kill me now.”
“Presley, quit being so dramatic. You didn’t have to grow up listening to your parents go at it.”
I swear it’s a hundred degrees in the house, and I’m beginning to feel incredibly claustrophobic. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear.
“Ehhh. Use them or not; that’s how I trapped your grandma here. One of the best decisions I ever made.” He plants a kiss on Gram's lips and reaches around her to grab her butt.
I can't stay here another minute longer. “I DO NOT want to know about my grandparent’s sex life!”
The three of them are in hysterics; my irritation likely spurs them on as my uncomfortableness is obviously the source of their entertainment. I’m almost willing to bet the three of them had a bet on how long I would last in the current conversation. I’m sure Gramps was only there to ensure I broke. I swear my family has a gambling problem.
The doorbell rings, and Mom stops her terror, “Hon, be a dear and grab that will ya? It should be Diane. She said she would stop by to help with the food. Maybe she brought that handsome son of hers along with her.” She smiles and waggles her eyebrows.
I can't take being in the kitchen a minute longer. I roll my eyes and walk to the door. The conversation in the kitchen continues and I’m anxious for the distraction. Surely Diane isn’t as bad as Mom, but then again, who am I kidding, they’re best friends; I can almost guarantee today is only gonna get worse.
*****
“Come on, Robert. I told Tina we would be there to help them get the food ready for the soup kitchen.”
I help Mom carry out a couple bags of groceries and load them into the back of my truck before opening the door for her.
“So, how’s it going with you and Presley? Are you two finally a couple?”
Mom has been my best friend for most of my life. I couldn’t talk about much with outsiders, so I always confided in her. “Hey Mom, how do you know if you’re in love?”
Turning in her seat, she gives me a mile-wide smile accompanied by happy puppy dog eyes. “My little boy is growing up.” She pats my chest a couple of times and then situates herself back in the passenger seat.
“Love is a different feeling for everyone. Do you think you love her?”
“I don’t know. I know when I’m not with her, I want to be. I want to make sure she’s happy and safe. And I can't seem to kiss her enough; it’s as if she’s a drug, and I need a daily fix. Being around her is easy. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to step up to the plate and be a man, and not any man, but hers. The kind of man she deserves. She’s seen what a good husband and father look like, but I don’t know if I can ever give her that, I don’t know if I’m capable.”
“Robert West! Don’t you sell yourself short. That girl doesn’t care about where you came from. She only cares about where you’re going. If she makes you happy, if she makes you better, then I’d say you found your girl, and that’s all a mother can ask. You’re thinking and living for her, not for yourself anymore. Remember that your actions will have an effect on her, and you’ll be just fine.”
We arrive at the ranch, and I grab the stuff from the back, following Mom up to the house. I can hear Presley inside yelling, but the loud billowing laughter coming from Gramps eases my tension a little. At least it’s nothing too serious. Mom rings the bell, and the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen greets us. Mom gives me a smirk before taking the groceries from me and squeezing past Presley. I can't seem to put my hands on her fast enough.