My mind was reeling. It was hard to process everything; it felt like my in-box was jammed. And the happy pill I’d taken wasn’t really living up to its name. It had only succeeded in dulling my senses some, which I supposed was a good thing on one hand, but my brain was functioning in slow gear.
I looked up at his face, horrified to think it would be for the last time. It just didn’t seem real. He’d become the center of our universe. Now he was going to leave a black hole right in the middle of our lives . . . and right in the middle of my chest. I stared at him, uncomprehending that this was the end of the road for us.
“Pete!” I cried, begging for a different scenario.
“I know, Kate—I’m sick about it! That’s the way these missions are. They never last more than a couple of months.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to mention it before because you got hurt. And then I just didn’t want it hanging over us like a dark cloud, ruining our time together.”
Time . . . the last sands were slipping through the hourglass. My mind scrambled for ways to plug it.
“Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?” I asked in a small voice, hatching a plan to stay awake all night.
“Of course I will . . . until your father comes home.” My face fell. “He won’t be passed out tonight since he knows he has to get up early tomorrow for our trip,” Pete explained.
“But I have a lotta questions for you . . . ”
Before I could start on them, he seized my shoulders, staring intently at me. “Kate, listen . . . I want you to follow your mother’s rules for a while.”
“Huh? What do you mean?” I was confused and tired and apparently crying now.
“Look at me!” His hands gripped my face into obedience. “This is important!” I must’ve looked blank, because he explained, “I mean no more Alex Morgan on the soccer field, no more bragging about your photographic memory, or talking about your strong feelings about things.”
“Who? What?” When did I do that?
“And promise me you’ll take care of yourself—no more sacrificing your safety for some cows! Leave that to your father.”
“I didn’t—” I started to argue, but he shook me a little.
“I don’t want to have to see another hospital bill because you’re out trying to do a man’s job!”
“I’ll pay you back the money . . . just tell me where to send it.”
Pete’s hands bit into my shoulders, so that I felt it this time. “Don’t mention that damned bill to me one more time!” he blasted at my face. “You’re concentrating on the wrong things!”
I started bawling in earnest now. He was scaring me with his sudden intensity, the shifting into high-gear, last bits of advice. So final. I thought we had the morning, but it felt like this was it. I suddenly couldn’t take another word or thought about it—the departure of my brother in the morning with the one I was falling in love with faster than a cow can say moo. I couldn’t focus on anything but the overwhelming feelings of loss cutting me to the bone. I hadn’t felt this much pain since Mama died.
“Y-you’re really l-l-leavin’ and t-t-takin’ Drewy with you, and I’m n-n-never g-gonna see you again!” The words hiccupped out of me. “And I m-might n-not even get m-my b-b-brother back?” It was too much to bear. I started sobbing.
Pete looked alarmed. I was always putting on a big brave face, but clearly I was just a scared little girl.
“He’s coming back! He signs up for next semester by October first, but he won’t leave until January second . . . if he goes at all,” he threw in at the end to appease me, I’m sure. He was hugging me to him now, holding me together really.
“P-Pete!” I sobbed. ”I-I’m g-gonna m-miss you so m-much!” I was shaking, blubbering like a baby. It was like snatching the sun away—I instantly felt cold. He kissed my temple, wiped some tears away. “You’re strong, Kate. You’ll get over this. This . . . this is just your first crush.”
I started wailing at that one. Did he not understand the way I felt about him at all? I always knew he wasn’t from my world. That he was going to leave and go back to his privileged one. I was crying not only for the loss of him, but for all that he’d brought back to my life: hope, laughter . . . love. He’d brought me back to life only to wish I were still half dead. Now it would be so much worse for me—the knowing what I was missing.
I already knew Pete didn’t feel the same way about me, but calling me out for having a crush on him was just brutal. How many ways could I be hurt? I felt stupid and minimized. And inconsolable. He tried shushing me, rocking me, murmuring in my ear, but I couldn’t stop weeping. I could barely breathe. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I processed the fact that the mascara I had carefully applied tonight (for his benefit) was most likely smeared across my face.
“Kate, get a hold of yourself!” he ordered, a bit too sternly I thought under the circumstances. “Your father will be back any time now. I can’t take you into the house like this—you’ll frighten your brothers to death. You have to pull yourself together . . . if not for yourself, then for Mikey.”
I couldn’t catch a breath to answer him. I was heaving and sobbing, blubbering and soaking the front of his jacket, ruining the glossy sheen, I’m sure. I couldn’t trust him, but there was no one I wanted to trust more. Nothing made sense. My world was turned upside down.
Pete cursed under his breath, then pulled out the thing he had squirreled away in the back pocket of his jeans. My jacket was lifted up, the fabric clinging to my backside pulled down. I felt a shaft of cold air hit me a split second before he plunged something into my upper right hip. I gasped at the unexpected pain. My head fell back. I stared up at him in shocked surprise.
“I’m sorry, Kate.”
Pete’s determined face was the last thing I saw before my eyes rolled back into my head.
36
INTERIM
I awoke to more crying. But it wasn’t coming from me this time. Mikey. Was crying like . . . well, like his big brother and best friend in the world was instantly gone from his life and unlikely to return for the duration of his childhood. My head still ached a little, but I realized my body felt better—as though it’d been hooked up to an electrical charge all night, zapping back all my energy. My body felt renewed, but my heart felt tired as Grandma Moses.
Last night was hazy. I struggled to recollect the wisps of real memories that got tangled up with my dreams. I knew Pete had left. For good. A wave of despair knocked me over. Literally. I could not get back up even to comfort my little brother in his time of need, my own need being greater than the power of my will to get up.
What I almost hated more than not seeing his eyes spark up with humor, or his mouth turn down in a lop-sided smile, was the fact that absolutely nothing had been resolved. I still didn’t know why I had such a terrible, visceral feeling about them. I still didn’t know anything about Pete Davenport, other than the fact he was a Scorpio and had mad life skills. Not even if he was one of the good guys or not. And my little brother was still going through the admissions process, even as I was sitting here crying for the one that put him there.