Josh calls me before I have a chance to call him. ‘Can you talk?’ he asks. His voice is low and serious. ‘I’m on lunch.’
I’ve been asleep – the session with Laura exhausted me. It was strange: I felt dizzy and drowsy and literally stumbled to my bed the moment she left. With the phone pressed to my ear now, I sit up. It’s so good to hear his voice, but I’m also really nervous.
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I’m here.’ I’m still spaced out, but I know that’s also partly the meds.
Josh sighs. ‘Oh, thank God, Neens. Are you … you know, OK?’
‘I guess it depends on your definition of OK,’ I say, trying to be a bit jokey. ‘I’m not psychotic any more, if that’s what you mean.’
‘That’s not what I meant!’
‘No, I know, I know. I’m sorry.’ I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been dying to speak to him, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how. ‘I’m feeling really groggy – from the meds,’ I try to explain. ‘And I had this intense counselling session which wiped me out.’
‘You’ve got a lot going on.’
‘Yeah. I’m sorry.’
‘No, no, don’t be sorry. I … I love you, Neens.’
I manage a smile. It’s so good to hear him say that. ‘I love you too.’
There’s silence. It seems he’s forgotten how to talk to me too. My insides twist. Why did things have to change?
He gives an awkward cough. ‘So you’re … all right?’
‘Sort of … Does everyone at school know about me?’ I hadn’t realized how much that’s been bothering me. I want to know. I don’t want to know. I hold my breath.
‘No one knows anything. They think you’ve got really, really bad flu.’
‘Oh …’ Relief washes over me. ‘Good.’ I don’t want to hide but I’m also not ready to talk about this yet. I guess I need time to get used to everything myself first.
‘Josh,’ I say, feeling a sudden burst of warmth in my chest. He’s my very, very good friend. He’s known me most of my life. He’s seen me in my bra. And held me while I’ve cried. ‘I’ve missed you,’ I tell him, as I imagine hugging him. I can almost feel the warmth of his body.
‘Can I come and see you?’ Josh says. ‘I didn’t know what to do when I couldn’t get hold of you. I thought about coming to your garden or something. Can you sneak out?’
‘No!’ I say, a bit too abruptly. But I’m picturing the impossibly dark circles round Mum and Dad’s eyes. Anxiety flares up in my throat like fire. ‘Please don’t come here, Josh. My parents – my dad …’
He doesn’t say anything. I take a slow, deep breath. I know Josh isn’t going to do anything I don’t want him to – I just need to talk to him.
‘I want to see you,’ I tell him, ‘but let’s meet up somewhere else.’
‘Yeah, OK. I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure you were up to leaving the house …’
The panic subsides and I close my eyes. I imagine being under the willow tree with him, my head resting against his chest, listening to the strength of his heartbeat.
‘I’m still weak,’ I tell him honestly. ‘But maybe in a few days?’
‘Whatever you need, Neens.’
We’re quiet again.
‘Have you been stargazing?’ I ask, suddenly wanting to know everything I’ve missed.
He laughs. ‘Of course! And I’ve been thinking of you …’
I smile. And I think he’s smiling too.
‘Neens?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Was it my fault?’ he says. ‘What happened to you. Did I do that to you?’
‘What?’
‘If I hadn’t pressured you to go out with me … If you hadn’t had to deal with all that lying, all that guilt … And then I practically made you come out that night …’ Josh sounds like he’s crying now. ‘I’m so sorry, Neens.’
My heart is bursting. I wish so much that I could hug him right now. ‘No, Josh,’ I say to him. ‘You didn’t force me into anything! You’re the best thing in my life. How can you think that?’
He’s quiet. Sniffs.
‘Josh?’
‘It’s just … If I wasn’t in your life, things would be a lot simpler for you, wouldn’t they?’ he says.
I breathe in deeply. ‘Maybe. But I don’t want that, OK?’
‘I just want things back to normal,’ he says.
‘And they will be,’ I tell him. ‘Soon.’
But, even as I say it, I know it’s not true. Everything, absolutely everything, has changed.
I message Fi after I speak to Josh, telling her not to visit the house. She turns up anyway, exactly twenty minutes later. We all sit in the living room, politely sipping tea. Dad is staring at his feet; Mum looks teary and tired. But they both try to smile. Fi’s holding a piece of paper, which she keeps glancing at nervously.
‘I need to tell you all something,’ she says, and her voice is quiet and shaky. ‘It’s to do with Akash. And … and I’d really appreciate it if I could just talk. And then I’ll leave you in peace.’
Mum and Dad don’t say anything.
‘It’s OK, Fi,’ I say.
She nods. Keeps her eyes on mine. ‘Akash and I, we had a fight the night it happened.’ She glances at Mum and Dad, and they look at each other. My heart beats hard against my chest.
‘That’s why he left mine and went over to a friend’s house – Jay’s …’ She glances at Mum and Dad.
‘Jay?’ Dad says. ‘Who’s Jay?’
‘He’s … an old friend of Akash’s,’ Fi says, looking back at me.
I nod, encouraging her to go on. I’m feeling a huge surge of love for Fi; she promised me she’d find out what he knows and she has.
She breathes in deeply. ‘Anyway, I’ve been speaking to him and trying to find out more details. He’s finally admitted that he was with Akash when it happened.’
She looks down at her notes. ‘I’m sorry, I … I don’t want to forget anything …’ Her hand’s shaking a bit. She swallows and looks up at me again.
‘I thought … I thought it would be good for us all to get some closure. Especially you, Neens. And I felt so guilty about the fight … Anyway … We all needed to know the truth about whether he –’ her voice is shaking – ‘was pushed. Or maybe even jumped.’ She looks at me with her big, kind eyes. ‘I know you worry about that, Neens.’ She’s staring at me, but I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling, or if I even want to hear what she’s going to say. ‘The report being inconclusive,’ she continues, ‘I found it so confusing and upsetting. I wanted them to investigate further, like we all did. Anyway … Jay – he says they were both messing around, balancing along the wall of the bridge. They’d been drinking a lot. But it was an accident.’ Fi bursts into tears now. ‘He slipped. He didn’t jump.’