Mum and Dad begin to cry now too. And so do I. We all cry for what feels like a very long time.
Fi takes a deep breath and wipes her cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she says. ‘For everything. Neena … if I just helped her live her life … I could maybe make everything better. But I … I can see now that I wasn’t helping. I’m sorry, Neens.’
I go over to Fi and hug her. ‘But you did help,’ I say through my tears. ‘You’ve been a really good friend.’
‘I don’t know about that, Neens,’ Fi says.
‘You really have,’ I say, hugging her harder.
We all sit in silence for a while, until Fi gets up to leave. I see her out.
‘Wait,’ Mum says, and we turn back round to face Mum and Dad. They’re clutching each other’s hands really tightly.
‘Thank you, Fiona,’ Dad says, and Mum nods too, crying again.
At the front door, I step out with Fi, shutting it behind me so that I can say goodbye to her properly.
‘Thanks for getting that out of Jay. Was it … OK?’ I ask, thinking about that day in his room. I’ve made some bad choices over the past year, and I know that Fi has too, but I really hope that isn’t one of them for her.
She shrugs. ‘Yeah. I don’t think he would’ve told me, but I accidently ran into his mum at his house and I explained the situation. She literally held him by the ear until he told me what happened!’
We both laugh at the image. Fi hugs me tight. When I let go, I look her in the eyes. ‘Akash asked me to go to your party that night,’ I say. ‘If I’d been with him, I could’ve … stopped him falling.’ My chest feels like a brick is crushing it as I stare at Fi.
She looks at me hard. ‘Jay couldn’t stop him,’ she says firmly. ‘No one could.’
I concentrate on breathing.
‘You know that really, don’t you, Neens?’
‘I … I think so.’
She takes my hand and squeezes it until my chest loosens and I can breathe properly again. ‘You know that really,’ she repeats. I nod. I know she’s right. Just like Laura said. It’s not my fault. I couldn’t have stopped it. It’s not Fi’s fault either.
‘OK?’ Fi asks.
I nod. ‘OK.’
‘Listen, I … I’ve also got a confession. I’m so sorry for flirting with Josh,’ she says. ‘But it never meant anything. And it was always one-sided – I don’t think he even noticed!’
‘What?’ I can’t believe what I’m hearing. ‘I thought I’d imagined all that?’
She shakes her head. ‘I would never have actually done anything. I promise. But I think my therapist will probably have something to say about it …’
I take a minute to let it all sink in. It’s actually a relief to know I didn’t make it all up. I knew it in my gut, or at least I thought I did.
‘Hang on!’ I say. ‘Therapist?’
Fi sighs. ‘I should’ve been honest with you about that too. I’ve been seeing one ever since Akash died. I guess I haven’t been dealing with it all too well myself … I’m sorry. I really do care about you. I hope you know that. You’re amazing. And brave and strong. If you can forgive me, I’d like to be here for you now. Or at least try …’
I smile at Fi. ‘I’d like that,’ I tell her.
‘What are you doing Friday night?’ she asks.
‘Fi, I’m not, I won’t be …’
‘No, no, no more parties!’ she says. ‘Not for me either! I think I was trying to escape things too … But how about the cinema? We can catch up over dinner first?’
I nod. ‘That sounds really wonderful.’
Fi looks relieved. Then she looks down at the ground. ‘It was really scary seeing you like that, Neens. I thought … I thought I was going to lose you too. Look after yourself, OK? And if you ever want to talk …’ She looks up now. ‘They said you might not remember things?’
‘Yeah,’ I say, feeling just a bit brighter. ‘Who are you again?’
We laugh, and it feels like the old us. But better. Truer.
It’s a week later. Saturday morning. Almost 10 a.m. I’m waiting for another session with Laura, and Mum and Dad have gone to the hospital to see Raj. I sit on my bed, staring at my phone. I’m dying to message Josh, but instead I bury my mobile in the bedside drawer. We haven’t talked much since last week’s conversation and it keeps playing on my mind.
I wonder if Josh was right, a bit? Did the pressure of all the lying contribute to making me ill? With everything else of course.
The sound of a car pulling into the driveway interrupts my thoughts. The doorbell rings and I walk out into the hallway to answer it.
‘Any chance of a cup of tea?’ Laura says, shrugging off her leather jacket as she steps through the door. Her black hair is tied up in a bun today and she’s wearing all white – white skinny trousers, white blouse and white sandals. She looks as elegant as a ballerina. Her eyes shimmer.
‘Of course,’ I say, still a bit distracted, thinking about Josh.
The kettle boils while Laura pulls out her notes and places them neatly on the dining table. I make two cups of tea and pass one to her as I sit down opposite.
‘You star!’ she says, pulling the mug towards her and taking a couple of sips. She glances at her notes. ‘How are you feeling today?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I tell her honestly. ‘I feel … worn out.’
Laura nods sympathetically. ‘Counselling can be quite emotionally draining at first; make sure you get plenty of rest.’
I look into my mug. I do want to rest, but I can’t stop thinking about Josh. I just want things back to normal – that’s what Josh said to me last week. But were things ever normal for us? For me?
‘I’d like to talk about when your anxiety started,’ Laura says.
I nod. ‘I mean, I was an anxious kid. But my brother helped keep it at bay, when I was little. And then he left, and I felt anxious all the time.’
Laura tilts her head. ‘And was there anything you were particularly anxious about, leading up to your episode?’
‘I’m not sure …’ I say, fibbing a bit. ‘I’ve been trying to figure it all out. Why does this sort of thing happen?’
Laura breathes in slowly. ‘Well, it can happen for a number of reasons. Stress. Environmental or biological factors. Sometimes drugs … Often the exact cause isn’t clear, and it can be a combination of factors.’
I nod. It makes sense for it to be more than one thing. That’s life, isn’t it? Hits you from all directions at once.
‘Do I … maybe have an anxiety disorder?’ I ask.
‘At the moment, we’re just trying to understand why it might have happened – to stop it happening again. Let’s not put any labels on anything. OK?’
‘Oh God. Will it happen again?’
‘Hopefully not,’ Laura says firmly. ‘It can – it’s important you take your medication and use the help offered. But you’re on the right track, Neena. This could absolutely be a one-off.’ She smiles at me.