‘I’ll never be allowed to forget,’ Ruby muttered as they walked back to Garden Cottage.
After Helen said her goodbyes, Tommy played marbles with Fred and Ruby remembered playing with her siblings and crouched down to join them. Beatty pulled out a chair and they spent time in the evening warmth. A family cobbled together, but a tight family nonetheless.
‘We’ve an early start tomorrow. Are you sure you won’t come with us for the day out, Ruby?’ Beatty asked.
‘No, I’ll open the shop. You take Tommy and enjoy the day together. It will be good for him. It’s a big day in his life, eh? A brand-new start, and you get me as your big sister!’ Ruby teased Tommy with a flick of a tea towel.
‘Yeah, I’ve been thinkin’ about that, Fred – can I ’ave a dog instead?’ Tommy said and ducked as the tea towel flicked his way again.
‘Now, now, you two, no teasing each other,’ Beatty scolded.
A wonderful sense of belonging washed over Ruby, and she could see the same had happened to Tommy when he went over to Beatty and clambered on her lap. The boy had found his place, and although he was long-limbed and claimed he was too old for most things, a cuddle with Beatty was never refused.
CHAPTER 31
26th September 1942
August came and went and, with it, a cease in the bombings. The irregular attacks in towns and cities across the country had taken its toll, and as September rolled in the British people dared to breathe. The Lester/Shadwell household had created their own routines. Ruby spent her days gathering stories and writing them into her journals, and Tommy proved he was willing to change, and blossomed under their care. Ruby listened to him and Beatty negotiating his bath time for the evening, and giggled at his cheeky replies. He’d brought laughter into their home.
‘Damp out there today.’
Ruby looked up at Fred as he entered the kitchen. She dried her hands on the tea towel and relieved him of five eggs and a small bunch of flowers.
‘It was a misty start when I looked out first thing. Are these for me?’ Ruby asked and laid down the flowers on the draining board.
‘I think my wife has had enough gifts from me this week,’ Fred teased as Beatty walked through to join them.
‘Giving flowers to another woman is not something I’ll overlook, Fred Lester.’
Ruby watched Fred place an affectionate kiss on Beatty’s cheek, and smiled. Although they’d said their marriage was purely to give a roof over Tommy’s head, it was obvious they enjoyed their new status as husband and wife. Ruby placed the eggs in their container and tugged on her coat. She picked up the flowers.
‘Thanks, Fred. I’ll be off and tell Tommy I’ll take him to kick his ball up at Radford Common later.’
As Ruby headed to the cemetery for the first time since witnessing the mass funeral, she hesitated whether to forego the visit and turn around. She’d chosen not to lay the flowers for James’s birthday, as she had the previous year. After a chat with Beatty, she’d made up her mind to visit Eagle Street on non-anniversary days, when the memories might not be so painful, heightened by the date. So far, it had worked. However, today she had another reason for hesitating. It was a year since she’d taken the photograph of John, and the day she’d learned what it felt like to wish for a future with a man who was not her father. Shaking off a feeling of nostalgia, she took the path along to the graveside and laid flowers there amongst the many hundreds of tributes from other families and friends. For the first time it felt the right thing to do – to imagine the place as the family grave, and not the site of their old home. As she walked away a peace settled around her, and Ruby headed for Eagle Street for the last time. She’d withdrawn her request to purchase, and knew this trip would be more difficult. After considering her future, Ruby decided she should not tie herself to painful memories by living where her nightmares existed.
The street was no different than the many times she’d visited before, and a selection of dead posies lay in front of her. Each one was a remembrance gift, no longer sharing their bright and cheerful colours, but instead reminding the world of yet more death. Unable to bear looking at them any longer, Ruby gathered them all into her arms and walked away. She made no speech, gave no loving messages to her family as she’d done on previous occasions; this time she felt none of the raging angst and fear. The flowers angered her for letting her down and not retaining their beauty. She wasn’t stupid; she known they’d die, they always did, but today their shrivelled petals spoke volumes. She buried her nose into their death and they failed her again. No beautiful perfume filled her nostrils, just the stench of decay, and she gagged. She wanted them away from the area, to not visualise them as the last thing she saw of her old home.
They were not meant to be part of her memories, but in the silent hush of mourning and through the hubbub of everyday noises she heard the familiar click of a camera and she knew someone had made them just that – a permanent reminder.
She swung around and was shocked to see John.
‘Ruby.’ John said her name soft and low, but she raised one arm to prevent him talking or coming closer. She couldn’t reply. He moved towards her and held out his arms to take the flowers from her, but she pulled them back tight against her chest, using them as a barrier.
‘Don’t.’ Her throat finally released a word.
John took a few steps backwards, looking at her in shock. ‘I remembered this day … last year. You and the flowers. I wanted to come and take a picture for the last time. I was heading your way, and wanted to see if anything had changed here. When I saw you just now … Ruby, I cannot describe how I felt, what I saw. It was powerful, moving. Your face shared something which wasn’t grief, nor anger. The light –’
Ruby threw the flowers to one side and watched as their petals scattered across the mound of rubble and rubbish beside them, then turned her face to John.
‘The light? Powerful and moving?’ Ruby’s anger would not subside. She tried to calm down, but instead she gave him a penetrating gaze, desperate to get across what he took from her with that one click of a button.
‘Do you want to know what I saw? I saw a man take something private and make it public. I saw someone capture the one thing I wanted rid of – the stain of death on petals, and the moment I’d decided to leave my family in peace for ever.’ Ruby went to turn away to hide her tears. She cried because he’d returned to her, and for her past life. She cried for the confusion of emotions she couldn’t comprehend. Her mind was a whirl of conflicting thoughts. She wanted to be angry with him, but her love for him was powerful and overrode the anger. Eventually, she calmed down.
‘Ruby, can we go somewhere less public?’ John’s words broke through the awkward silence as he pointed to their left. Ruby glanced at the family of three walking through the bombsite, looking over at her and John.
‘Why? What’s the point? So we can make love, and you can walk away? I need something more permanent, John. I can’t bear the thought of you never coming back to me. I don’t want to hold flowers with brown petals in your memory.’
‘Yes, so we can make love again. Yes, so I can prove I want permanent too. Am I forgiven?’ John asked.