“Dad, if Lauren was a trigger for Cal to come back, he already would’ve.” I get up from the table and head towards the stairs.
“Chris, I don’t think you’re taking this as seriously as you need to,” he says sternly. I stop and turn around.
“I think you’re taking this seriously enough for the both of us,” I say, and he’s shocked.
I’m shocked.
It’s what I wanted to say but usually there’s a filter between the things I want to say and the things I actually say. I walk up the stairs. I should feel bad or guilty, but I don’t.
I feel good.
Chapter 38
Lauren
Before I came here, I thought Chris was simple, understated, and transparent, a ‘what you see is what you get,’ kind of guy. No motives or hidden agendas, and since he doesn’t have all of that, he’d be easy to read. That's what I thought up until yesterday. Not only is he hard to read, but his signals are all over the place. One minute, I think he wants me to stay as far away from him as possible. The next it’s as if he doesn’t even want me to leave the room. The difference with Cal was that he only let me see what he wanted me to see, which was frustrating but easier to deal with. I only had two directions to go in: his or mine. Chris isn’t good at hiding any of his emotions; they’re all over the place, sending out multiple signals in various directions all at once.
It’s so confusing. One minute when I’m ready to give up on him, on Cal, he does something that makes me want to hold on to what could be. It gives me hope. But the heavy reality is that he doesn’t know what he wants. Which is good and bad, and I’m already confused enough for ten people. His confusion is something that I really can’t deal with. It’s too easy to see and too difficult to figure out. After the disaster of meeting Jenna, I was ready to give up. Not because what she said really affected me, but that little truth in her words keeps creeping into my thoughts.
I had almost convinced myself that everyone was right, but then he let me fix his tie. It seems silly and stupid that such a small moment could change my thinking, but it did. It gave me a small sliver of hope. He let me in, Chris did, and that’s all I really needed. I could learn to love Chris. I already love Cal. Jenna could never love Cal. She’d be running for the hills if he came back. That control she likes to wield, talking to Chris like he’s her six year-old would never fly with Cal. Last night I started doing more research into DID and learned that integration is the goal for someone with his condition. That means Cal and Chris will have to be one, and if Cal is anywhere in there I’m not giving him up, especially to someone like Jenna. What has been weighing on me is the promise I made to Chris about giving Cal up and leaving the past behind me.
But what about my promise to Cal? Through sickness and health, til’ death do us part, and even more than that, the last night I spent with him when he said ‘don’t give up on me.’ It didn’t make sense then but it sure does now. I wish I knew Cal was fighting for us too. That he was somewhere inside Chris, helping me and keeping the promise he made to me. Maybe he is. Maybe that’s why Chris is so freakin’ confusing. I wonder if it’s like a battlefield in his mind, with Cal fighting to get out. I don’t know if Chris has scheduled to see a therapist. I plan on talking to him about it today because I’m thinking of seeing one myself. There’s so much more I want to know about this condition. I need to talk to someone impartial about what I’m feeling, someone that has an understanding of all this. I’ve never seen a therapist or psychiatrist before, but I can’t think of a better time than now.
I’ve been trying to think of the best way to approach Chris about this. Last night was my first night here and I don’t want to come off as nagging him but he’s had about three weeks to come up with something. Maybe he has but just hasn’t mentioned it to me.
It’s 6:00 a.m. and I’ve been hearing movement in the kitchen for the past 30 minutes. Now the smell of bacon and eggs is coaxing me out of my room. Caylen’s still asleep. I grab my toothbrush and make a beeline to the bathroom. I brush my teeth and splash water on my face before going into the kitchen. Breakfast smells delicious, there’s music playing and the house seems alive for it to be so early.
Back at home I’m used to coming into a quiet kitchen and the smell of Febreeze. I walk into the Scott’s kitchen and see Chris.
Oh my god, he’s shirtless!
“Morning” he says, his tone upbeat as he sets two plates on the table with bacon, eggs and potatoes next to two glasses.
“Good morning” I say covering a laugh, as I see him do a little dance to the music he’s listening to. He blushes as he pulls a container of juice out of the refrigerator. Where are his parents? He should definitely not be in the kitchen alone with me especially without a shirt.
“You don’t mind do you?” he asks, genuinely concerned. Is he kidding? Is he talking about not having a shirt on?
“Uh,” I say dumbly.
“The music. I don’t get to play it when my parents are here.” He takes the seat across from me. Of course he’s not talking about the shirt, he’s not bothered by it. I’m the one bothered by it, very bothered. Yesterday, I was able to sneak a quick peek when he changed his shirt but I wasn’t able to get a good look then. Now I’m front row at the show. I’m not going to be able to eat or think. God, farm work must do a body good. Cal always had a great body, chiseled and defined but I guess tossing those hay bales and teaching gym has pushed it to the max because he’s more sculpted than I’ve ever seen him. I spot a white t-shirt with a big stain thrown across one of the chairs that explains the lack of his shirt.
“I like it actually.” I take a sip of my juice. There’s no way I can swallow food right now. His plate has about three times more food on it than mine. How does he eat that much and keep his stomach looking that good? I have to stop focusing on his stomach.
“Where are you parents?” I ask, my brain finally coming out of its hormone/pheromone-induced haze.
“They had to go get some supplies this morning. They’ll be back this afternoon,” he replies in between bites. I finally pick up a sausage and take a bite. It’s pretty good.
“Does Caylen usually sleep around this time?” he asks.
“We’re an hour behind in Chicago. She’ll be up in the next hour or so,” I say, diving into my eggs.
They’re over easy. Cal liked scrambled…
“Do you cook a lot?” I ask curiously, thinking back to the day Cal first made me breakfast. It was as good as this but he just shrugged it off before getting me off. Too bad that’s not going to happen today.
“My mom cooks most of the time,” he answers with an amused grin.
It’s adorable; he’s adorable
I wonder if Jenna cooks for him. He clears his throat.
“When my mom was sick, I started cooking more since she really wasn’t able to. It kind of became therapeutic,” he says solemnly.
It’s still surreal that his mom was sick so recently and doing so much better now. Even though our introduction was terrible, she’s such a sweet woman. I can’t see anyone not liking her once they get to know her. I think Cal even cared for her or he wouldn’t have stepped aside for Chris to return.