“Quit being such a baby. It’d be great and Ardeby’s is the only place in this town that’s any fun. Lauren hasn’t been out since she’s been stuck in Mommy-ville. She could let loose a little,” she continues. I see Lauren shift uncomfortably in her seat.
“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” I remind her. She lets out a defeated huff.
“This conversation isn’t over, mister,” she says, getting up with her bag on her shoulder and heading out the door. She turns around.
“Didn’t you need to talk to me about something?” she says, remembering her other reason for being here.
“Yeah. I’ll walk you to your car,” I say begrudgingly. Lauren smiles at us, amused. She probably thinks we’re six year olds.
“Be right back,” I say, pushing my weight off the sofa and following Lisa out.
“Later, Mrs. Scott,” she says to my mom as we pass through the kitchen on the way to the back door.
“Goodbye, Lisa,” my mom says before we’re out the door.
“So what’s up, Chuck?” Lisa says as we walk around to her car.
“Why’d you do that in there, Lisa?” I ask her, irritated. She rolls her eyes.
“What did I do?” she asks as if she has no clue.
“Putting me on the spot in front of Lauren. You know I don’t play anymore.”
She waves me off nonchalantly. “Grow up, Chris. Really, what are you, a twelve year old with a crush?” she says, mocking me.
“Forget it. I’ll talk to you later,” I say angrily, walking away from her.
“Ugh, Chris, come on. I didn’t think it was that big a deal. You used to love to play. She wants to hear you play. We get to have a few drinks and a night out in the process. Most people at Ardeby’s are so drunk on Saturdays that you could play a dying cat and they’d be into it,” she says, blocking my path.
I frown at her.
“Come on. You wanted to talk to me about something. What is it?” she says sincerely.
“Can you be normal Lisa and not over-the-top Lisa,” I plead, and she grins.
“Normal Lisa it is,” she says, rolling her eyes.
“Okay. Let’s get in your car.”
Once we’re in, she looks over at me expectantly. I’m not nervous. Lisa doesn’t make me nervous. She’s one of the least judgmental people I know, but to admit out loud what’s been going on with me is still scary. It’s the same reason why I haven’t called the doctor Aidan suggested. I have to do it eventually. If Lauren starts talking to a therapist before I do, that’s really going to make it look like I’m not taking this seriously, and I am.
It just seems like a big step, trusting someone with my mental wellness. It didn’t go so well the last time but this is Lisa, my best friend since preschool. We don’t have any secrets.
“I’ve started to remember things,” I say.
I look over at her and instead of her normal reassuring smile, her expression is tense.
“Remember what, exactly?” she asks quietly and I feel myself grimace.
“Why do you look so nervous? You’re making me nervous.” I laugh, and she shakes her head, covering her face.
“Sorry. OK, go ahead,” she says, and gives me a reassuring smile.
“Things about Cal and Lauren,” I admit, and her smile widens.
“Anything good?” she says suggestively.
I frown.
“I mean like how you guys met, when you got married. Get your mind out of the gutter, Chris,” she says the last part teasingly.
“No. They don’t seem like milestones or anything. Well, I think one is the first time he told her he loved her,”
“Awww,” Lisa feigns a swoon and I try to ignore her. I tell her about the bits and pieces I’ve seen and about the memory I had last night. She listens attentively and doesn’t interrupt. She’s quiet until I look over at her and wait for her reaction.
“How do you know what you’re seeing is real?” she asks. That’s the million dollar question. “It feels real. So real that when I’m awake, it’s hard to tell the difference, but I don’t really know.”
“There’s only one way to know,” she says, and I know what she’s going to say before she even says it.
“You have to ask Lauren,” she says it anyway.
“I don’ think that’s a good idea,” I say with a sigh.
“I don’t want to confuse her or send her mixed signals,” I admit.
“Oh, but giving her cooking lessons and talking on the phone with her for hours definitely isn’t doing that.” She laughs sarcastically.
“She told you that?” I ask, surprised.
“She told me about the cooking thing. Your other best friend told me about the hours-long conversations,” she chuckles.
Aidan’s like a freakin’ girl.
“You don’t think I should teach her how to cook?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Chris, you’re missing the point. I think you should do what you feel like doing. If these things are making you feel right, do them,” she says enthusiastically. It would be great advice, but when it comes to acting on impulses, Lisa is definitely not the person to ask for advice. She does whatever she wants and rarely thinks about the consequences.
“I don’t want to send her the wrong message,” I say firmly.
“What message are you trying to send, Chris? Because to be honest, I don’t think you know,” she laughs.
“Now get out of my car before I really am late,” she says.
“That’s it. No sage advice, no words of encouragement?” I ask, disappointed. She pauses for a moment and looks up as if she’s in deep thought.
“Bacon cheeseburgers,” she says, and I look at her, confused.
“What?”
“You knock two meals out in one, bacon’s in the breakfast group and burgers in the lunch group.”
I shake my head and get out of her car.
Lisa says I’m confused, and I am. I’ve never been this confused in my whole life. It’s like I’m being pulled in two different directions, my thoughts fighting against one another. My mind is constantly changing. I spend the rest of the day with my dad, unloading the supplies my parents picked up from Denton. We end up working through dinner, silently frustrated with each other. By the time we’re finished, my mom and Lauren have already eaten dinner. My mom is in her room, tired from the day, and Lauren and Caylen in theirs. I shower and come down to eat dinner and see that my dad’s finishing up his meal. We both sit, eating quietly, not much conversation between us at all.
I wonder if this is going to be our new normal. I hope not. I love my dad and at one time he was my best friend. But more and more, I feel this deep seed of resentment and contempt growing towards him. I thought I was over the fact that he kept the secret about my condition from me, but I still haven’t been able to shake it. I’ve forgiven my mom but it’s like there’s a barrier keeping me from doing the same with him and the advice he keeps trying to give me about Lauren is just making things worse.
He gets up from the table and rinses his plate. He looks over at me as if he’s going to say something, but doesn’t. I want to talk to him but I don’t because I know he wouldn’t approve of what I’m about to do. After he’s left the room, I clean up my area and look in the fridge. There’s ground beef, eggs, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes and cheese. I take all the items out and set them up on the counter. The one piece of advice I did take from Lisa is the dish for our first cooking lesson, and, if things go okay, I’m going to tell Lauren that I’ve started to remember things.