“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something,” she says, her lips kissing my neck.
“What,” I ask while my hands creep under her shirt to take off her bra.
“I think you should move in here,” she whispers, and I go stiff. She leans back to see my face.
“I thought we’d agreed on waiting until after we were married and found a house,” I remind her.
“I know, but after everything that’s happened, it seems a little silly. I thought you coming over here showed you agreed with me about all of this waiting,” she says defensively.
“I don’t think this is the right time,” I say, and she slides off my lap.
“Why are we still waiting now, Chris?” she asks tying up her robe in a huff.
“Because that’s what we agreed to do.”
“That’s what we agreed to do before all of this came out. It makes no sense now!” she says sharply. I should have known this was going to come up.
“What Cal and Lauren did has nothing to do with me.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, Jenna's eyes shoot daggers at me.
“I can’t believe you just said that,” her tone is low and venomous.
“We can’t even get married until you get divorced!” Now she’s shouting. “We’ve been waiting for everything. Waiting to move in together, waiting to have sex, waiting, waiting and waiting! And now you’re waiting to ask your wife for a fucking divorce!”
I get up from the couch and start to head to the door. “I want us to do things the right way, Jenna. We’ve waited this long. Waiting until we’re official is important to me. That’s how my parents did it. That’s how I want to do it,” I tell her sternly.
“You know, when we first talked about it, I thought it was cute. I thought it made sense, that it would be special, us doing everything the traditional way even if it was a little old school, but now it’s just stupid. You’ve already been married and you have a baby! This is bullshit!” she roars.
“No one waits to have sex and move in together anymore,” she continues.
“You’re right, they don’t. And most people don’t even make it three years before they’re divorced,” I fire back at her. Her eyes narrow in on mine. I feel my head starting to hurt. I start to rub my temples.
“I’m not taking no for an answer. Either you move in here by the end of the week or we’re done!”
“Then we’re done,” I say simply.
Jenna’s eyes widen and her mouth falls open. “What?”
“I said I’m not moving in with you. I’m not fucking you and we’re going to do what we talked about or… we’re done.” My voice is low and stern. I don’t recognize it. The words are exactly what I wanted to say but they were NOT supposed to come out. Jenna’s face is red and she looks speechless. Since I’ve known her, she’s never been speechless. I walk over, put my finger on her chin and lift it up so she can look directly at me.
“The rules are about to change,’ I say and she looks confused, her lips parted. I bring her mouth to mine, kissing her roughly on the lips. I think she’s going to snatch away but she doesn’t.
“Sweet dreams, Jenna,” I say as I turn and walk out the door.
When I’m in my truck, it finally hits me what just happened. I expect Jenna to run out on the porch screaming or blowing up my phone with obscenities, but nothing. I can’t believe that just happened, that I just said those things to Jenna and she didn’t say anything.
I’m embarrassed.
I should feel embarrassed.
It was terrifying but exhilarating.
The worst part is...
It felt good.
Chapter 40
Lauren
I want to be happy.
That’s all I’ve ever really wanted. I think that’s really all anyone ever wants out of life, to be happy. What makes us happy? Well, that’s different for everyone. For some of us it’s money, others it’s fame, some need a child, while others find satisfaction in their careers. In the end, we’re all searching for what will make us sleep well at night, give us peace even when everything isn’t perfect. When I was younger, I dreamed about some of those things. Who doesn’t want to be rich or famous until you realize all the problems that come with it?
I never realized the problems that would come with Cal. Now, when I look at Chris, I wonder if he’s happy. I can’t tell. The more I get to know Chris, the harder he is to read. At first, I thought he was an open book, but that makes no sense at all. He’s far more complicated than he appears. His turmoil and frustration has a name and a life all its own.
The more time I spend with Chris, the more I genuinely start to like him and not just because he looks and sounds like Cal, which is what I originally thought it was. I actually like the person he is, the one I’m getting to know. When I was with Cal, I always saw something kind and warm in him—when he’d let me in, that is. I’m starting to think that was Chris. I want to let my guard down with him, I really do, but I’m afraid. It sounds silly and childish, but being in love with Cal seems so much different than letting myself have feelings for Chris. As wild and unpredictable as Cal was, I knew Cal. At least I thought I did. I was comfortable in the whirlwind that was our life together. Chris is a totally different story. Falling for him is dangerous, and pursuing him comes with a whole lot of risk. Rejection from Chris means there’s no hope for Cal and me since Chris and Cal are one and the same.
Sometimes I’ll catch him looking at me in a way that makes me think he could feel something for me but doesn’t want to. He wants to be my friend and the thought of it makes me cringe. I can’t ever really be his friend. How can you be friends with someone when you want them to love you? How do you pretend your feelings don’t exist or matter? I’m not that strong. If it turns out that Cal never comes back and he’s floating in some type of mental prison… How can Chris let me in if he shuts Cal out? If he can’t ever let me in, I will be cordial, I will be friendly, I will be the best co-parent I can, but I cannot be his friend, at least not now.
By the time I leave, I’ll know if Chris will let me in. That’s our timetable. I’m going to do my best to keep my armor on and my guard up while trying to get as close as I can. It’s scary, terrifying really, but it’s a risk I have to take. That’s what I keep telling myself. At least that’s what my heart is telling me. My mind is telling me to move the fuck on and fast. My heart and mind have never agreed on anything but it seems like what used to be frequent bickering has become a full on battle since my arrival here.
I look over at the clock. It’s 5:30 am, but in Chicago it’d be 4:30 am. I already smell the breakfast Mrs. Scott is cooking. Caylen’s still sleeping and will be for at least another two hours. It usually gives me enough time to eat breakfast and shower. I slip on my robe and grab my toothbrush to freshen up. Mrs. Scott told me I can leave one in the extra holder space but I don’t feel comfortable doing that so I go back and forth with it.
I open my door and head towards the bathroom but stop when I hear hushed whispering. I peep in the living room and see Jenna and Mr. Scott talking. I start to turn around and go back to my room but something tells me to stay right where I am.