“I haven’t done this in a while,” he says nervously. “Can I sit here?” he asks, gesturing towards the bed. I nod, feeling my stomach start to knot. He sits on the bed and strums a few chords. God, he looks so freaking sexy and he hasn’t even played a song. I’m not supposed to think he’s sexy. I’m supposed to be angry and irritated at how wrong he was for hiding the fact that he wanted me to sign those papers.
He takes a deep breath and starts to play a little more fluidly. I recognize he’s playing London Bridge, but a slower version. It’s beautiful. I watch his hands and how he looks at the instrument so intently. I’m so lost in watching him play, I don’t even realize that Caylen’s stopped crying. Once he’s done with that song, he goes into another song. It takes me a minute before I realize it’s a song that’s on my iPod playlist for Caylen.
Oh, Mr. Sun.
Cute.
He plays it fast, then slows the tempo and starts to sing.
And, oh my God, can he sing! And not like the average karaoke singer, but as if he were on one of those talent shows where all the teenage girls would be crying when he’s done. The funny thing is, he started off nervous and a little unsure of himself, but as he keeps playing the nervousness melts away and he’s completely confident in what he’s doing. He’s good and he knows it. He looks up at me a few times with a small grin. He plays like it’s therapeutic for him. Caylen has drifted off to sleep so I put her in bed. I sit in my rocking chair, watching and listening. I close my eyes, feeling all the stress of today melt away. His voice is like a mix between Ed Sheeran and Connor Maynard. I cannot believe I’ve never heard him sing before.
If this were Cal, I’d know for sure he was trying to seduce me, but this is Chris, and I don’t know if he realizes the effect this is having on me. If he plays one more song, I’m pulling him out of this room and being charged for sexual assault.
“Lauren.” His voice, the normal one, wakes me out of my trance.
“I can’t believe after all these years that I’ve just heard you sing,” I say quietly.
“That’s because you weren’t with me all those years,” he says, an amused grin on his face. I run my hands through my hair. I don’t really know what to say to that but the glint in his eyes makes my skin heat up.
“I-I wanted to talk to you about earlier,” he says, clearing his throat. He cannot show me those divorce papers now. It would be too cruel, not after this.
“Jenna had them drawn up... She gave them to me and I told her I would talk to you about them,” he says, and I can’t look at him anymore. I look at Caylen. I keep my focus on her, that’s what this is all supposed to be about anyway.
“It’s okay, Chris,” I say with every ounce of strength in my body as I look at Caylen. I can’t look at him and say this.
“If that’s what you want,” I say, trying to force the words out without my voice breaking.
“I wasn’t going to give them to you,” he says, focusing his green eyes on mine. I feel my heart stop.
“What?” I ask him, confused. I’m trying to read him but his expression gives away nothing. Not one single thing.
“I just want to slow things down a little. Really think about the future. I want to make sure I’m not making the wrong decision,” he says simply, but his words are anything but simple. Is he saying what I think he’s saying?
“What do you mean, Chris?” I ask, hearing the nervousness in my voice.
“I just don’t want to move so fast anymore. There are a lot of things I need to figure out.”
Great. He’s confused and that leaves us in limbo, but I’ll take it.
“The doctor I scheduled to see has an opening tomorrow,” he says, changing the subject. I don't want to change the subject now, but him seeing a doctor is really good news.
“That’s great, Chris,” I say, and he nods.
“She’s in Chicago,” he continues. “I’m a little nervous about going,” he admits, sitting on the bed.
“Do you want me to go with you?” I ask him. Please let him say yes.
“Please,” he says simply.
“Okay.” It’s all I can manage to say because my thoughts are racing, my emotions are on overload, and my body…let’s not even go there.
“I’ll talk to my mom about watching Caylen. My appointment’s at 3:00. I figure we should leave around 10:30,” he says, standing up and walking to the door. He has increased the space between us. Space is good. Space makes me feel less likely to do something stupid.
“Great.” I feel a smile spread across my face. He picks up his guitar and stands in the doorway like he doesn’t want to leave, our eyes locked on each other’s.
“Goodnight, Lauren,” he finally says.
“Goodnight, Chris,” I reply, and he closes the door behind him. I let out a deep breath even though that conversation almost took it away completely. I don’t really know where I stand with him. I don’t know what all this means but I feel that single flame of hope catching fire right about now, and I don’t want to think about anything that will put it out.
Chapter 48
Chris
We finally make it to Chicago, my home away from home in some weird way. The GPS says we’re 10 minutes away from the doctor’s office. I’m doing this. I’m supposed to tell a complete stranger my deepest darkest secrets, except I don’t know what any of them are. Only my mom knows what I’m doing. I didn’t tell Aidan, Lisa, Jenna or my dad. It’s something I wanted to do on my own without any bad vibes. My trust in doctors is still butchered from my last experience, but this is a clean slate. She doesn’t know me, Cal, my parents, or my affiliation with the Crestfields so she has no agenda.
Lauren offered to drive, but I felt like driving would help calm my nerves and I’m more nervous about this than I thought I would be. I don’t know what to expect or what’s going to happen. I hate putting so much trust in someone else’s hands, letting someone manipulate my thoughts, essentially playing around with my brain. A part of me wants to forget the whole thing. I’ve been doing fine so far, and my dad has always said, "if something’s not broke don’t go trying to fix it." The thing is, I think I am broken, almost at least.
I'm functional, like a car that gets you where you need to be, but you never know when that clinking sound it makes is going to cause a complete breakdown. I can’t be like an unreliable vehicle. I’m a dad and Lauren’s depending on me. I glance over at her. She’s been pretty quiet. She slept most of the way and just woke up a couple of minutes ago.
“We’re in your neck of the woods,” I joke, glad she’s awake.
“Yup. The big city.” She smiles widely as we enter downtown. Her face is animated.
She loves it here. She misses this…
“I’ve only been here once, for a high school field trip,” I say, and then realize how ridiculous that sounds.
“Well, that I remember,” I add quietly. I guess that’s one reason I’m seeing this woman.
“If she’s in this district, she’s doing pretty well,” Lauren replies.