Chapter 49
Lauren
Chris said everything went fine in his session with the doctor. Still, I notice that his mood has changed. He was nervous before but now it’s almost like he’s irritated. I don’t know what the doctor told him, but whatever she said, he didn’t like it very much. I can tell he’s trying to hide it, but for the first time, he’s pretty transparent. He’s quiet on our way back to the car. I want to ask him what happened and get more than a throw-away answer like “everything went fine.” I’d pay anything to know what went on in there but since he doesn’t seem to want to elaborate, I’ve decided not to push any further.
It’s absolutely beautiful out, unseasonably warm for an April day in Chicago. There are so many people out taking advantage of it. I start to think back to the late nights when Cal and I would walk around downtown while it was quiet. I put that memory away as quickly as I can. I can’t think about Cal. I try to keep all my memories of Cal and me locked away because thinking of him will consume me. It’s like a slippery slope, one thing leads to another. First it’s something we used to do together, soon I’m thinking about the way he used to smile, the way he laughed, how it felt when he hugged me. And, when I think about how it felt to be in his arms, I think of other touches and my body comes alive with the memory of him. Sometimes I manage to sleep through these memories and wake up feeling slightly satisfied. Other times I require a cold shower. Now I’m walking next to Chris and neither of those options are available.
I wish Chris would just say something. When we’re together and there’s silence, and things start to feel awkward between us, that’s when I think about Cal the most.
He’s not saying anything but I can tell there are a million thoughts running through his head. Still, he’s taking in everything around him. The noise, the lights, the energy of the city, that make me feel alive. I’m not sure if it does that with Chris. He’s observant but I’m not sure if it excites him.
When we make it back to the car, I start to ask him if he wants me to drive. I have to admit that his driving scared me a little once we hit downtown. It’s ridiculously apparent that he’s not used to driving in such a congested area but he didn’t even hesitate to get back in the driver’s seat.
“I have another appointment with Dr. Clemons next week,” he says before starting the car.
“That’s good. Do you feel comfortable with her?” I ask, glad that he’s finally opening up about his appointment.
“For a stranger, I guess.” He chuckles looking down at his lap.
“She wants to do some testing at our next appointment,” he continues.
“What type of testing?”
“To confirm that I actually have DID. Go figure right?” He grins and I can’t help but laugh at that.
“The other is to test my level of dissociation. I think,” he continues. That’s why he should have asked for me to come in and talk to her. There wouldn’t be any tests needed after hearing from me. I can certainly testify to the fact that his level is pretty high.
He sighs. “She gave me some homework,” he says sardonically, pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. He glances at it and hands it to me. I unfold it and have to bite my cheeks to keep from smiling. So this is why he’s been sulking.
“This isn’t so bad,” I say, and he frowns. Well of course it’s bad. He doesn’t want to like Cal.
“She wants me to connect with him.” Again with the contempt. I guess it’s better than pouting.
“Is that such a bad thing?”
He looks at me, completely baffled. It’s funny that Chris has never talked about how he feels about Cal. I mean, I know he isn’t happy about him but I never got the impression that he has the same disdain for him as his dad. I somehow thought he’d come to terms with the fact that Cal is him, but from the way he’s acting now, he doesn’t.
“Nope. It’s awesome,” he says even more sarcastically than before. I feel myself growing defensive and I’m really trying not to be. We both sit in silence, awkwardness filling the car.
“Well, are you going to do it?” I ask trying very hard to restrain my aggravation.
“I kind of have to.” He sounds bitter. At this moment I realize just how much I’ve filtered myself when it comes to Chris.
I’ve done it since I’ve known him.
Ever since our disastrous introduction, I’ve been trying to keep my emotional outbursts on lock down. But, in reality, thanks to Cal, my tongue has become pretty sharp when I’m upset. I usually say things without thinking about them. I tried to be pre-Cal Lauren. I wanted him to see that I’m not psychotic. Maybe, in the back of my head, I’ve sort of shown him what I imagined he wanted me to be. I haven’t been dishonest about who I am, but he certainly hasn’t seen me in my full glory, which is laughable since his fiancé is a complete... I won’t even go there but what he’s just said triggers something in me and the tight rope that’s been holding me together and keeping the old Lauren, Cal’s Lauren, from rearing her head just snaps. I don’t know if it’s the city, the fact that I’m hungry and tired from sitting in a waiting room for three hours or the fact that what he just said is so out of character from the man I used to know that the kids gloves come off.
“You don’t have to do anything, Chris.” He’s caught off guard by the bluntness of my statement.
“You always have a choice in life. You don’t have to do that assignment if you don’t want to. You could crumple up the paper and throw it out the window right now. You could go back and tell her you aren’t going to do it; you can walk away from this doctor and never look back,” I say looking him directly in the eye. I expect him to give some sort of response but he doesn’t, he just shrugs and chuckles. Now I am pissed off.
“Did you want to get something to eat before we hit the highway or wait till we get home?” he asks, yawning quietly. The next moment he rests his head against his arms as they drape over the steering wheel. His sleepy green eyes look downward and a small smile spreads across his face; and, just like that, my anger disappears. He doesn’t want to debate, fight or piss me off, he just wants peace, and I feel a warm calmness spread through my body.
“I can wait,” I say. It’s funny how ridiculous I can be. I was angry for nothing, really.
“But you look tired. Are you sure you’re up for the drive back with no rest?” I ask him.
“I’m good,” he says yawning again and I laugh aloud this time.
“I have an idea and you are under no obligation to say yes if you don’t want to,” I start with a disclaimer. He looks at me apprehensively but I can tell that I’ve piqued his interest
“Our…My house is less than fifteen minutes away,” I continue. His face remains impassive and I take that to be a good omen.
“We could order some food and get a couple of hours of sleep before hitting the road again,” I finish, giving him my most innocent smile.
“You might even be able to knock your homework out in one day,” I say, giving him a little nudge.