Thankfully, I had Angela and Hillary to guide me through the dating scene, which got old really quickly. I started to miss the familiarity of Saginaw. I ended up only kind of dating Steven, who is now a really good friend, and Michael, who turned out to be the exact guy I should have been avoiding—good-looking, closeted douchebag. Other than him being attractive, I think it was the familiarity of working around him that made me convince myself there was something there that wasn’t.
There was always something missing, and whatever it was, Cal had more than enough of it. He has always had this way of exuding sexy confidence without appearing conceited, a way of making mundane things seem exciting and new, so Cal has been my gift and my curse. Curse more often than gift, I suppose. When we first met, I couldn’t have known I was only scratching the surface of the mystery of Cal, an enigma in himself. Unfortunately, one I still haven’t solved.
I always pictured him being the man I wanted him to be, yet now I wonder, is it fair to hold against him that he’s not meeting my expectation of the husband he should be? I assumed after marriage he’d open up, let me know the secrets hidden behind his smile, that I’d understand why, when we’re alone, his presence is peaceful, but when I look into his eyes, I see something completely different. I thought I would get answers to all of these questions when we married. I was wrong.
I arrive at my aunt’s house, and memories instantly flood in. I remember Raven walking out onto the porch, successfully ruining the good night kiss at the end of my very first date. She cleared her throat and stared at me until all I could do was kiss him on the cheek and say, “Good night.”
I laugh now, but in that moment, I was angry and embarrassed. She was both sweet and sour, playing mom and dad to me. She had never wanted kids but did a better job than she could have imagined. She always made sure to let me know how much my parents loved me and how proud they’d be of me.
Raven never married, so I’ve never felt comfortable asking for advice about my own marriage. I often wonder what advice my mother would give about Cal and me. My dad would probably wring his neck for the stress he gives me.
I turn off the car and grab my purse, step out, and head toward the porch. I leave the suitcase because I really don’t feel like getting the third degree at the moment. I’ll find a way to slip it in later on during a conversation. I’m sure I’ll get an opening. “Lauren, I found the most wonderful sweater,” she’ll tell me, then I’ll say, “Oh really, because I have a ton of sweaters in the car, since I’m leaving my husband.” Yep, it’ll be really simple, really quick. I ring the doorbell and check my appearance in my reflection in the window, making sure I look presentable. Raven always stresses that if the day is bad, you have to dress better to hide it.
I ring the doorbell again, this time adding a knock. I still have a spare set of keys, but I don’t want to intrude. It doesn’t seem like she’s home. I take a seat on the top step of the porch. She’s probably gone shopping, hopefully not for clothes because that could take hours. I’m really regretting that little fit of rage that sent my phone over the balcony railing this morning. I look at my watch, realizing it’s only one o’clock. Raven could be out all day.
I decide to go ahead and let myself in rather than wait on the front porch like a FedEx package. I find the spare set of keys at the bottom of my purse and open the door. As I step inside, the radio is on, and I can’t help but smile. Ever since I can remember, 91.3 has been Raven’s favorite radio station and it plays a constant soundtrack in the house. I lock the door behind me and set my purse on the table. This place still brings me comfort—a real home rather than just a residence, which is how I feel about the penthouse. I walk upstairs to my old bedroom. Another smile spreads across my face as I walk into the room, still the same way I left it. I sit on the bed and breathe deep as I face the window and let the sunshine wash over me through the curtains. On my dresser sit awards, ribbons, and medals aligned in the same places they were in when I was in high school.
There is one new addition though. My eyes glide over to my wedding photo with Cal, and I feel a sense of jealousy toward my past self. The couple in the picture no longer exists; they are light years from where Cal and I are now. I pick it up and turn it downward. If only I could see into the future. A door shuts downstairs; Raven must be home.
I give myself a little pep talk. I can do this. Just don’t let anything slip. I take a deep breath and walk out of the room. From the top of the stairs, I see Raven setting down her bags. I knew she’d been shopping.
She looks up at me, a huge grin spreading over her face. “Lauren! I thought that was your car!” She squeals, dropping bags all on the floor.
“Hi, Raven,” I say cheerfully, running down the stairs.
She meets me at the bottom and wraps me into a big hug. “It’s so good to see you! I’ve missed you so much!” she says, squeezing me tightly.
“I’ve missed you too,” I tell her honestly, letting her scent take me back to my childhood, when any problem I had could be solved with a piece of chocolate cake—albeit from the store, since Raven couldn’t bake if her life depended on it.
She steps back, scrutinizing my appearance. “You look beautiful. I love the sweater.” She glides her hand across my shoulder. Raven’s as fashionably inclined as always, and I often wonder what would have happened if she had grown up in a big city. I’m sure she wouldn’t have ended up a librarian. “So what brings you here? How long are you staying? And where is that handsome nephew of mine?”
Okay, Lauren, let’s start thinking. Think, think, say something, keep smiling. Unfortunately, all I’m doing is smiling because I can’t think of a word to say. I really need to start planning ahead.
She frowns at me and brushes her scarlet bangs out of her face. “Uh-huh. How about you help me take these in the kitchen and tell me all about it?”
She grabs two bags and leaves the room. I pick up three bags and follow. I need to think of something; I’m definitely not ready to tell her that I’ve left my husband. I walk into the brightly lit kitchen and set the groceries on the table. Being here reminds me how gloomy Chicago is sometimes. Even though she doesn’t cook, she makes sure to have all her favorite snacks and plenty of fruits and vegetables in the refrigerator. She starts to unpack bags and put groceries away, but I can tell her full attention is on me.
“So how is everything?” she asks casually.
“Everything is good.” I nod, pulling a carton of milk from the bag.
“You didn’t call me this week.”
“I know. I, um, I wanted to surprise you,” I say, hoping that doesn’t sound like a lie.
“You did! When I saw that Audi parked in the driveway, I couldn’t believe my eyes! So again, how long do I have you guys?” she asks as if she’s a hotel desk clerk.
“Oh, well, I was thinking I’d stay a week or two,” I tell her, busying myself by taking out a bottle of juice and avoiding her eyes.
“You are?” she asks, surprised.
“Yeah, well, if that’s okay with you,” I say hesitantly.
“Of course it is, honey. I love your company, and you know that you’re always welcome here. It’s just… two weeks is quite a long time. Is Cal here?” she inquires.