I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but I can’t help wondering why Cal hasn’t called me back yet. I check the phone for messages, even though I know he probably wouldn’t leave one, especially on Raven’s voice mail. I flick a piece of wet hair off my face. I should blow-dry, but I’m way too irritated to do that right now. On the way down the hall back to my room, I notice Raven has gone to bed, so I back up to turn off the light illuminating the tiny hall. As I walk into my bedroom, a slight breeze blows in through an open window, so I walk over to close it. A hand touches my lower back.
I shriek, spinning around and backing up at the same time. Cal is standing in front of me. He grasps my arm to keep me from falling over. What the hell is he doing here? My impulse is to wrap my arms around him, then I remember I’m pissed at him, so I retreat to the other side of the room.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, shocked, still out of breath, and a tiny bit happy he’s here. This is the last thing I expected. He hadn’t even called me back.
“Oh, come on. No ‘hello’ or ‘nice to see you, honey’?” he teases.
The moonlight reflects off of his chiseled face, and he brushes past me to sit on my bed. I inhale his scent. It lures me to him. It’s the cologne I bought for him last month, and it makes me want to… dammit, snap out of it, Lauren!
“Maybe, if I was in the mood to say it. But I’m not.” I mean to be short, but I’m not sure it has the effect I was going for since he’s caught me off guard.
He looks at me, and his eyes drift down from my face, reminding me I’m naked under the towel. I cross my arms tightly to show that I’m determined to keep it on. He smirks at me and picks up a plastic pig that I won at a carnival in high school. I snatch it out of his hand.
“Careful! You wouldn’t want that towel to fall off,” he whispers, and he starts to work his hand up my leg.
I step away quickly and tell myself to ignore the chills that shoot up my spine. “What are you doing here?” I ask again sternly.
“You’re here, so I take it I should be here too.” He seems genuine, but who knows with him.
“Really? Because forty-eight hours ago, it wasn’t at all important for you to be where I was,” I tell him bitterly.
He stands and walks toward me. “I’m sorry,” he says, looking me straight in the eye.
I quickly look away; I hate when he does this. I swear he can see straight through me and read my thoughts. “That’s what you say.”
He rests his hands on my waist. “That’s what I mean,” he says, stepping closer and leaning into me.
I shake my head and step away from him. “Well, how am I supposed to know?” I say quietly to myself as if I’m trying to wake up from a bad dream. “I’m tired of not knowing, Cal!” I say louder.
“Have I ever said anything to you and not meant it?” he reiterates.
Cal has done some pretty mean shit to me. He’ll ignore me, avoid my questions, or leave me without a warning, but he’s not a liar. I’m trying to think, but I get distracted as he starts to run his fingers through my damp hair, massaging my scalp. How am I supposed to think while he’s doing that? I need to think. His lips softly glide across my neck, and he pulls me against his chest. I’m trying to figure out how to respond to this. I’m mad, and I have the right to be. Whatever I want to do, I need to do it fast, before he gets me all the way over to the bed. Say something! Say it now!
“W-we can’t,” I tell him breathlessly as the towel drops to the floor.
It’s too late. He lowers me onto the bed. His weight covers me, as do his lips. I need to talk with him, not sleep with him. This always happens when he touches me: the shivers up my spine, the heat between my thighs, then I get lightheaded and forget my thoughts. He’s casting some kind of spell over me. What else could this be?
“C-Cal, stop,” I say so softly that I can barely hear myself as his fingers trail down my body.
“Do you want me to?” He’s beginning to nibble on my ear.
“I don’t know what I want anymore,” I say honestly, trying to catch my breath. I turn my head to the window. It’s still open, and a soft breeze is blowing in.
“This isn’t what you want?” he says huskily before deepening his kiss.
It takes all my strength, but I break it and gently hold his chin. He looks at me, surprised and somewhat curious.
I stare into the eyes that I usually try to avoid. I look into them for answers about what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. The light from the moon beams down on us through my window. I can’t read them. I can’t see what’s behind them; they’re smoke-covered glass. I can’t see anything more than he wants me to.
“I don’t know anymore, Cal,” I whisper, trying to hold in the hot tears, and I let go of his face.
The wide grin on it softens. He sweeps a piece of stray hair off my forehead and looks into my eyes for what seems like an eternity, but in reality, it’s only a minute.
In an instant, he lifts his body off of me and out of the bed. I maneuver myself to one side and rest my head so I can see what he’s doing. It’s cold, so I slip underneath the covers. Resting my head on my hands, I watch him grab his jacket and get something out of it. I sigh and turn my body so I’m not facing him anymore.
A few minutes later, he’s in bed beside me, his bare skin against mine. Kisses cover my shoulders, and he pulls me toward him. This time, I avoid eye contact. I don’t know what to think or what to feel; I don’t want to get lost in him. I don’t want to keep falling for him, caving in to whatever manipulation this is.
“Lauren,” he beckons quietly.
He takes my hand, bringing it to his face and caressing it. I still don’t answer him. Hot tears sting my cheeks. He hasn’t seen my tears flow like this in a long time; my facade of anger and vindictiveness is usually perfect for camouflaging them. Tonight, I’m too exhausted for any of it. He wipes them from my face and gently kisses my cheek.
“I’m so tired. I can’t. I can’t keep doing this; it-it’s destroying me,” I whimper. My voice is choked up, and I look away from him.
He cups my chin, making me look up at him. “Lauren. I’m here.”
I look away from him. “But how am I…” I can’t finish; my voice caves in.
“I’m here, gorgeous.” His voice is unrecognizable and almost pleading.
I can’t look away from him after that. His gray eyes are showing that faint hint of green. He squeezes my hand, which is tiny in comparison to his. He brings his other hand into view and shows me what it was he was looking for in his jacket a minute ago. Slowly and deliberately, he slides the wedding band down my ring finger, restoring it to its rightful place. I begin to cry harder because tonight, I’m so confused. I wrap my arms around his neck and he holds me close.
I have a lot of confusion about his love for me, but what I have never been confused about is my love for him. I love Cal. That’s it. There’s nothing I’ve been able to do to stop loving him yet. No matter how angry or how frustrated I get. He knows the exact moment, the exact thing to do to make me fall in love with him all over again.
I close my eyes, feeling at peace in this instant. For this moment, I’ve gone back in time to when I used to lie in his arms, when he made me feel as if it was just the two of us in the world and nothing stood between us.