He was angry, he was bitter and for that moment he couldn’t hide it. He tried to hide it which makes all of it worse but it was too much for him to even do that. What he said to me made me feel worse than when Cal screamed at me when he found out I slept with Chris. Well, at this point who knows if I slept with Chris, since he doesn’t even remember.
It’s entirely possible Cal tricked me, slipped in and went for the easy lay. Where he didn’t have to answer any questions or put up a fight. We’ve been driving for an hour and the tension in the car is suffocating, and unable to be ignored. I want to say something but no words come, I don’t know what to say. How do I combat what he said, which was absolutely true. This one man, these two men that I love more than any other person besides my daughter. Both cut me deeper than anyone else has been able to, they just use two different knives.
I feel exhausted, my body is rested and energetic but my mind feels like it’s going to either shut down or overload. Chris hasn’t said one thing to me since I’ve gotten in the car. The hardened shell is still on him and his warm green eyes stare straight ahead as we slip out of the little town that Cal dropped me into. I wonder what he’s thinking, if he hates me. It’s hard to think of Chris hating anyone but the way he’s acting I know he doesn’t like me right about now. The only thing that gives me some solace is that if he didn’t care about me he wouldn’t be this upset. But what good does that do now? My phone rings and I pull it out of my bag.
“Oh no,” I say aloud.
“What’s wrong?” his tone is dryer than a desert and his eyes don’t even glance at me.
“It’s Helen. I completely forgot about our meeting,” I sigh.
“If there’s a good time to talk to her this would probably be as good a time as any,” he mutters.
“Helen. Hi I’m so sorry. There is just so much that has happened over the past two days,” I say, trying to stress my sincerity.
“I figured that. Cal called Dexter yesterday,” she reveals.
“He did?” I say, trying to not sound completely surprised.
“From the way you’re speaking I take it that Cal is now Chris,” she infers.
“We really would love to see you. I-I would. I really could use your help in all of this,” I say quietly, wishing I had more privacy than a few inches. It’s funny how in just a few days I went from despising Helen and wanting to kick her ass to wanting to talk to her more than anyone. She’s the one person who could help me through this. Because this is not anywhere as easy as I thought it would be.
“Okay. How about I meet you in Michigan tomorrow evening,” she asks and I let out a sigh of relief.
“That would be so amazing.”
“Great. I will call you tomorrow to let you know what time I’ll be arriving.”
“Sounds good. Thank you. Thank you so much Helen,” I tell her before hanging up the phone.
“Do you think we can trust her now?” He asks and I look over at him as he briefly glances at me.
“I-I just need someone to talk to. Who understands, who can help me understand,” I tell him honestly, fiddling with the phone in my lap.
“I thought that you had a handle on all of this. That you understood,” he says quietly and I can’t help but let out a dry chuckle.
“I thought I did, Chris. Even after finding out about you, and Cal not being here, and trying to accept that was doable. But this, it’s a completely different thing. You don’t understand what it’s like for you to be here one day and he’s here the next. In theory I always knew it could happen, but I never really prepared myself for it.”
“You hoped for it though. Right?” he asks, with not even a bit of sarcasm under his tone. I take a deep breath and try to think of what to say that won’t hurt him, that won’t make things worse. But I only have the truth and I can only be as delicate about it as I can.
“I’m still in love with Cal, Chris. I can’t lie to you about that,” I say quickly and his expression doesn’t break except for a small twitch in his jaw.
“But, I love you too, I’ve fallen for you and it’s hard for me to understand why it seems like loving both of you, who I know as the same man, seems like such a betrayal,” I say.
“I never said that I felt betrayed, Lauren. We’ve been friends, I’ve started to care about you a lot but I always knew,” he trails off and the silence is deafening
“You always knew what?”
“If it came down to it. Who you’d choose,” he says quietly. I feel a burning sensation in my throat.
“For you to both hate each other. You have a lot in common. This choice you both bring up. As if it hinges on me…It doesn’t you know? It doesn’t matter if I picked one of you, what would stop the other from popping up whenever you felt like it?” I say, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.
“I don’t have a choice in this. Why don’t you both get that? I love you. That’s it, so I’m stuck in this for the long haul, whoever chooses to show up whichever day,” I say angrily. I’m so tired of this. I feel like a fucking volley ball being bounced across a net. I look over at Chris, seething in his quietness. I’m tired of feeling sad and guilty and confused. Maybe I should just stay angry. Angry is better than feeling lost, depressed, and hopeless.
“Would you like to know what Cal told me? Why we were in that house, in that town?” I ask him and he shakes his head.
Really? I’d think he’d want to know that it would be important but I guess not. But what the hell do I know? I don’t even know who the hell I’ve been sleeping with.
Chris
Of course she’s still in love with him. I knew she still loved him, it’s not like I thought otherwise, but to hear her say it. Even after telling me she slept with him, to hear that she loves him. That hurt, more than I expected it to. But, she did say that she loved me.
She’s not afraid to say it, or beat around the bush about it…but how can she love him and love me? We’re so different, and he’s an asshole. I can’t believe I don’t remember what happened between us. I said that I think Cal tricked her, pretended to be me but I was being the asshole then. It doesn’t seem like his style, and when I was at the hotel with her it was getting harder and harder to be around her and not tell her the truth about how I felt. To not want to touch her and have her in my arms. It’s hard now, even with all that’s going on. When she’s mad her skin flushes, her eyes gaze in on you, her voice deepens, and to be completely honest, it’s absolutely sexy.
How can I not remember anything about being with her? It could have been him but I want it to have been me, not him. Either way, he still had her after me, right after me apparently. I feel like an idiot but I can’t help but wonder if she liked being with him more than me. He’s been with her more and longer. This is stupid! I shouldn’t be thinking about any of this but I can’t stop. I have to stop.
There are too many other things for me to be worried about more than who she preferred having sex with. She’d probably slap me if I asked her. Then the thing she said about us both wanting her to choose. I’m sure he does, he’s probably sure she’d choose him if it came down to it, but she’s right. It doesn’t matter what she wants, if she did choose me he just wouldn’t decide to go away and never return. If she chose him…well I wouldn’t even know how to. She’s fallen asleep on the last leg of the ride. To be honest I’m glad, it’s hard to pretend to be mad at her, because it’s all pretend. How can I be mad at a woman who has decided to put up with someone like me, who when she looks at me, lets me know I’ve never known true love before her?