How did things get so messy? Why are things so terrible? Why can’t they just get better for once?
“Hey,” his voice wakes me from my trance. I’m not even sure if it’s real or imagined until he steps inside my room and shuts the door behind him. The sad part in all of this is, with as much as I have to be worried and stressed out about things, the sight of him and the sound of his voice my whole body tingle. I feel myself flush, my hormones obviously did not get the memo that there will be no relief in any of those ways. In fact I’ve been forbidden to, like a child.
“Caylen’s sleeping,” I say absentmindedly.
“Yeah, I see her,” he sort of chuckles. Of course he see her, he’s not blind.
“I wanted us to talk,” he says, sitting on the far side of the bed. I nod, banishing the thoughts of the last time we were both on a bed together.
“Things have been weird since Cal came back,” he says apprehensively.
“Yeah they have,” I admit with a laugh.
“I haven’t been avoiding you,” he says quietly.
It seems exactly like that.
“I wouldn’t blame you so much if you have,” I tell him, because in all honesty I’ve been avoiding him. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around all the information I’ve received today, creating more questions and hardly any answers.
“I put in for leave at work today.”
I want to tell him he shouldn’t have, that he loves his job and should keep it, but I’m sure with all that has happened he has good reasons.
“I’m sorry. I know you liked your job.”
“They said I can come back whenever I’m ready,” he says, giving me a small smile. “I’m thinking of trying to get back into my music,” he continues. As a smile begins to spread across his face, his eyes practically light up.
“That’s great! You should. You’re really good Chris,” I say, sharing his enthusiasm.
“I’m okay,” he shrugs.
“You’re a little better than okay. You can sing a girl right out of her clothes.” The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. I expect awkwardness to float in but it doesn’t, he just smiles wider and laughs and I do too.
“Maybe a shirt, not sure about the whole outfit,” he jokes and I’m so thankful. Thankful, that at least right now, things have gone back to how they were before everything changed. Well, that’s relative since everything is constantly changing with us, a freakin' swinging pendulum.
“I’m sorry about Jenna yesterday,” he blurts out. It’s funny, so much has happened that Jenna’s little outburst is the least of my worries. Then I’m reminded that I’m not sure what their status is. Before everything happened I knew things were rocky, and after we slept together I was sure things would be ending, but since Chris has no recollection of that happening…my headache is getting worse now.
“Cal was an ass to her. I won’t play naive, her actions weren’t exactly unwarranted,” I say with a shrug. He nods as silence settles in between us.
“I’m sorry I don’t remember what happened between us,” he says sincerely. His eyes are soft and expression apologetic in the way only Chris can be.
“And…I was immature about how I responded to you telling me about you and Cal,” he continues, his eyes on his hands.
“I understand…sort of,” I add with a laugh and he looks up at me with a smile.
“…and when I said or implied that maybe it was Cal pretending to be me to sleep with you…I was full of it,” he says, folding his arms. “For one I thing I think Cal is too full of himself to even consider pretending to be me.” I can’t help but laugh at that statement. “Because, the way I was feeling before the blackout happened, I’m not entirely surprised that what happened, happened,” he says, letting out a long sigh. With those words, I feel a smile begin to spread across my face, and it takes everything in me to keep it small.
“I want you to know that I ended things with Jenna before we left for Chicago.”
Butterflies are starting to flutter in my stomach.
“It wasn’t fair to be with her and lead her on. Especially with the feelings I started to, or have for you,” he continues and my breathing starts to slow down. He stands and walks over in front of me.
“I want to remember this,” he says and just like that his lips are on mine. His hands slide across my back and he pulls me into his arms. He’ so warm, his kiss is tender but firm, causing all my stress and worry to melt away. Just being close to him, his body against mine… my lips immediately respond, it’s what they know how to do. I feel high, like he’s a drug, and it feels so good, he feels so good, he smells so good. I stop and wonder if I’m dreaming, but I really don’t want to know. Because if I am dreaming, it means I’m not doing anything wrong. There is no guilt to be associated with this, as his hands slide underneath my shirt, and I have no reason to feel bad as my hands slide underneath his shirt to feel the skin that I want against mine.
I just want a little relief, is that so wrong? Will it be so damaging? Each soft kiss he plants on my neck, makes the past few hours seem so distant and as the shirt I have on goes over my head, the problems we’re facing are being thrown over the bridge, and it feels good.
Really good, but this feels familiar. All too familiar, his lips have trailed down my stomach, and there’s the feeling of being swept away. The rush I feel reminds me of the intensity between us, the things this man can do to my body, how this feeling kept me and Cal tied together when everything was pulling us apart. This feeling covered up secrets, and lies…this pattern is starting itself again.
“Chris,” I moan. It shouldn’t be a moan, it should be a stern exclamation.
“This, we shouldn’t,” I say between pants.
“You’re right, Caylen’s…” he says as we both clamor for air. In a few swift movements we’re out the door and he’s pulling me up the stairs. It’s so hectic, I was supposed to be protesting this, stopping what’s about to happen but I haven’t. We make it to his room without bumping into either of the Scotts, but my adrenaline is so high I probably wouldn’t have cared. When the door shuts behind us I’m back to reality, the contrast of this space against where Cal and I last made love. The fact that if I sleep with Chris, Cal will be hurt, and if I don’t sleep with Chris, Chris is going be hurt. I lose out either way. Helen’s words about not being the one to divide them but unite them, echo in my mind. How do I do that? I can feel him behind me, his energy so different from Cal's.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes searching mine. I nod as his hands rest on my waist. I can do this. It’s only once technically, he doesn’t remember the last time, so it should be fine.
“Tell me what you want,” he whispers in my ear and I immediately step away from him.
“What did you say?”
“”I asked what you want. Anything, and I’ll give it to you,” he says, bringing my hands to his chest.
“I love you. I didn’t know it then but the moment I saw you I loved you. I didn’t know what it was because I’d never felt that way about anyone before. And getting to know you, I know why he fell in love with you, because I’m in love with you too,” he says and the resistance I planned on applying to his chest to push myself away from him is gone, instead I kiss him with all I have in me.