“No. Please. I’m okay. I just, I-I can’t see this far back. My glasses. I’m going to the front,” I stammer. I’m up now, halfway down the aisle. Other students are headed my way, two girls and a guy, who seem to be familiar with Kameron since they’re looking back and forth between us with amused confusion.
“Excuse me,” I say, making my way past them and their quizzical looks.
I finally make it to the very first row and slink down in my seat. What just happened? I don’t know but I can’t think about that now. The hall is filling up and everyone is settling down. I fight the urge to look back.
Don’t look back! But it’s futile. I just want a glimpse, one more time. I turn as inconspicuously as I can and when I do, my heart stops because he’s looking directly at me, blushing and grinning, his head tilted to the side examining me as if I’m his favorite puzzle. I quickly turn back around. The professor, a middle-aged Latina woman, has approached the lectern and is setting her things down. She’s going to be what I focus my attention on this next hour even though the man with the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen is distracting. That’s what I tell myself, at least.
“That will be $180,” I tell one of the last people in my line. It finally settled down in here. The girl hands me her platinum credit card as if I just told her it was only ten bucks.
“Do you mind if I run for a break? I’ve had to pee for two hours,” Abby, my supervisor, pleads from behind me.
“No it’s fine, I’ve got it.” This job is supposed to be quiet and uneventful, and it will be once these first two weeks are over. No more frantic students and high-strung parents buying supplies or exchanging books. I had assumed people would buy their books off eBay and Amazon like I did, but it seems the majority of the student body has the funds to buy full price. I can’t complain. I’d take working here on the busiest day than my other part-time job at Scooters, a restaurant where people are usually extremely rude. I won’t make as much money here but in my quiet time I can do homework and study after this rush of a week. I hand my customer her bag and tell her to have a good day when every muscle in my body tightens up at the sight of the next person in my line.
It’s him. Kameron, the boy…no not boy, that’s not a good description of the lean, tall, and broad figure in front of me. The man with the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen. He smiles like I’m a long-lost friend he’s been searching for, but I’m just a girl who hasn’t gotten him out of her thoughts since class two day ago.
“What are you doing here?” I ask almost defensively. His brow furrows the tiniest bit and an amused grin spreads across his face. I realize what a stupid question that was.
“Because it’s a bookstore, you’re here to buy books,” I mutter, embarrassment about to overtake me. He smiles and it’s glorious.
“Actually, there’s a rumor going around.” He shrugs and lets out a light sigh. I bite my lip. A rumor? My stomach is in a knot. No one could know already! Why would they care? I’m a nobody here!
You’ve always been a nobody.
I feel like I’m about to throw up, but I keep my feet planted firmly on the ground so I don’t go all weak.
“A rumor?” I ask as casually as I can. He nods and smiles again, wide enough that it reaches his eyes. He leans leisurely on the counter, closing the space between us. He runs his hand through his thick dark hair and takes a relaxed stance as if he has no other place in the world to be, like he hasn’t just stepped out of my daydreams into my reality, and it’s the only place he wants to be.
“The rumor is there’s this beautiful girl who works in the bookstore with a smile you have to pay to see. So…I figured I owed the school a purchase to get a glimpse of it.”
My face is on fire but the knot in my stomach unravels, the pit of nerves that were just in my stomach have been replaced with a family of butterflies. What is happening? Is this life? Why is this guy, this beautiful man, saying these things to me? Is he talking about me? I mean, he could be talking about someone else.
“Me?” I ask reluctantly. His amazing smile displays his perfect teeth. I grip the pen in my hand tightly. Why am I feeling this way? I don’t feel like this about anyone.
I’m indifferent to people, I stay in my own space, I’m polite. Neutral is probably my stance when it comes to wanting to be in proximity with others, but there’s something about this one. This person that makes me want to stay near him, for him to be close. The hormones my foster mother Ada used to screamed at me about when I was thirteen and her husband stared at me the one time she took us to the beach. She made me wear pants and sweaters the rest of the summer.
“You’re cute.” He laughs, and it’s warm and kind, and I’m smiling again.
Stop it!
“Look. I haven’t done this in a while, I don’t want to waste your time or look like an idiot trying to be smooth, but I think you’re beautiful and I’d really like to get know you if that’s okay.”
I swallow hard, and my smile softens. Since I was a little girl I’ve always tried to stay under the radar, to blend into the background and not be noticed. It was always better to be forgotten than noticed growing up in the system, but when you’re a girl and your legs get longer and your body develops curves, it becomes harder and harder. I wasn’t able to just say my no’s, I had to scream them, and fight and pray for them to stand.
I’ve used the word no so many times, it’s almost a default answer.
By the time I started high school I didn’t have to say no as much. There were so many girls who would say yes who didn’t have to wear clothes from the Goodwill, and who smelled like fruits and flowers instead of the grease and fries I smelled like from working at whatever fast food job would take me. Still, there were offers, but there’s always been more important things to do than go to a movie or an arcade.
I had to make sure I had money saved in case foster-parent-of-the-month decided to kick me out, or their older son or husband decided that I was a piece of property they could use however they wanted. The last thing I entertained was taking time away from stashing whatever money I could make by spending time with a boy who ultimately I would say no to again.
I grab a second to take in each striking feature he has, from his spellbinding eyes, to his smooth voice, full lips and fantastic smile, to the dimples in his cheeks, the perfect stubble lining his jaw, those perfect teeth. I imagine a world where I could be with a man like this, a world where my parents are alive and my mom loves me to pieces and I have a big sister who teaches me how to flirt and interact with boys. Where we live in a big beautiful house that he could pick me up from and he’d meet my dad, who loves and spoils me to death. And afterward he’d give Kameron his approval and we’d go out and have the first of many fantastic dates, eventually falling in love. And one day he’d look back and remember the day our lives changed.
You’re not that girl and never will be.
But in reality I don’t have a big sister. I don’t know much about my parents. There isn’t a house for Kameron to pick me up from…just a crappy little apartment I share with a roommate who is gone so much we barely know each other. I don’t know much about Kameron yet but I can guess he comes from parents who love him and I bet he has tons of friend who will take one look at me and know I’m not good enough.