these days,
Justine explains.
Vivian gives me
Superwoman pajamas.
Phoebe gives me fuzzy socks
she knit herself.
Johnny and the other nurses
give me a plastic toy car
with doors that open.
Inside there’s a voucher
for the cost of the driver’s ed
class at school.
I’m really surprised
at this gift.
I hold the toy car
and the voucher
and thank them
over and over.
They knew Mom couldn’t afford
the class,
but they thought
it was important enough
that I be able to drive away from
DEAD END one day.
Birchell gives me a bouquet
of red roses in a vase.
Thank you, I say,
smelling their sweetness.
No one ever gave me
flowers before.
Dr. Kate’s gift is at the
bottom of the pile.
The long cardboard box
is not wrapped
or in a gift bag.
There’s no ribbon
or card.
When I open it,
there isn’t a pendant
or a pair of fuzzy socks.
There’s a stethoscope.
The room gets quiet
for a moment,
when I lift it out of its box.
Dr. Kate doesn’t seem to care
what anyone thinks about a
stethoscope as a Sweet Sixteen gift.
She speaks to me, ignoring the rest
of the room.
If you’re going to be a doctor
one day,
this will be one of your most
essential tools,
besides your mind and your heart
and your hands.
I put the stethoscope
in my ears,
the way the nurses do.
I like how the earpieces
muffle the noise around me,
and I like how heavy
the metal circle on the end
feels in my hand.
When you use a stethoscope,
your ears and your hands
work together.
I put the metal circle
over my heart.
My own heartbeat,
which I’ve never heard before
is loud
in my ears.
THUMP THUMP THUMP
THUMP THUMP THUMP
My sixteenth birthday party
and Jonah’s eighteenth
continues around me,
and I wonder if this is how
a heart sounds
when it’s full.
After the Party
When everyone leaves,
the house is the same—
the bathroom sink drips,
there are water stains
on the ceiling,
the wallpaper
curls at the edges.
It’s the same,
but it feels brighter.
It’s not just all the
balloons and wrapping paper,
and the leftover food—
cupcakes and olives,
salami and chips—
in the middle of the table.
It’s something else—
something that didn’t leave
when the guests did.
Mom tells Johnny
to go home
instead of working his night shift
with Jonah,
because he’s been awake all day
at the party.
What about Jonah’s presents?
I say,
sounding like one of Hunter’s sisters.
We’ll save them for when he wakes up,
Mom says.
Do you need any help with Jonah
before I go out?
I ask Mom.
No. Where are you going?
Mom asks.
Down to the river,
I answer,
but I’ll have my phone
with me.
Say hi to the river
from me,
Mom says.
Clay
First I see a red pickup truck
parked in the gravel parking place
near the eddy.
Clay is there,
lying faceup on the dock.
I can’t tell if he’s asleep,
or if he’s studying the
cloudless sky.
There’s no breeze out, and
the river looks absolutely still.
I talked to a very old guy
on a tractor this morning.
He said you had
the day off.
He sounded like he’s never
had a day off
ever.
Clay sits up and
looks at me.
That might be true,
he says.
So do you like working
with organic cows?
I ask him.
I do,
Clay says,
They’re real creatures
of habit.
You have to milk them
the same time,
morning and night.
They really have their
own personalities.
There’s one cow
that always tries to kick me.
It’s my birthday,
I tell Clay.
I know,
Clay says.
I got you something, but
it’s not here.
I have to take you to see it.
I follow Clay
up DEAD END,
around to the back
of our house.
You’re taking me to
my own backyard?
I ask.
Then I notice something
different about it.
There’s a neat pile of brush
on the ground.
Someone has reclaimed
the overgrown path
down to the steps
that lead
to the river.
I look at Clay.
You did this?
Yes.
Wow! Thank you. That’s a nice present.
We haven’t been able to get down there
in years.
Dad always meant to do it.
You’re welcome,
Clay says,
I checked and the steps are still good.
But that’s not your present.
Your present is down there.
Clay points down the steep bank
toward the river.
What could be down there?
I wonder.
Did Clay do all this work
cutting the brush
just to hide my gift
down there?
I walk down the steep wooden steps,
holding the railing,
until I’m on the bottom step.
Tied to the trunk
of an overhanging tree
and floating in the water
is a canoe.
Inside the canoe
there are paddles
and a life jacket.
On the side of the canoe,
in blue letters,
is one word—
LIV.
That’s my present?
That’s for me?
I turn around to ask Clay.
He comes down and stands
next to me
on the last step.
Yes, I hope you like it,
’cause I can’t return it.
I don’t just like it,
I LOVE it.
Clay smiles
and I see the space
between his front teeth.
When I asked,
you said that more than anything,
you wanted to go down
the middle of the river
like a beaver.
Now you can go down the river
anytime you want.
I put my arms around Clay.
He has a different smell.
Not Bugz Away chemicals
anymore.
Maybe the smell is organic cows
or maybe I’m smelling
the real Clay.
He puts his arms around me,
and kisses my hair,
then kisses my lips.
I don’t need my Dr. Liv
stethoscope
to know what my heart
feels.