The ordinary person wouldn't know that he's moved them. It's small adjustments he makes. But I know.
Everyone is so intent on watching me. No one seems to notice the flowers in the trees from far away.
I notice every inch of change.
Arja comes every day, commanding me about things I need to stop doing in front of Carlos.
I fear the straitjacket and asylum. But every time he comes near, I lose it. My body betrays me, and I can't seem to keep it together.
He sleeps next to me, holding me in his arms as I cry nightly. His patience wears thin, and he tells me so, but he hasn't physically hurt me yet. The more he threatens, the more I cocoon into my shell and panic attacks.
Last night, he took a different approach. He didn't threaten me. He murmured in my ear how much he loves and missed me.
My gut churned the entire time, but I didn't fall into another attack. I thought I might, but I only trembled in fear.
After they freed me from the white cloth, I began to get more "privileges." The day after, Arja brought me downstairs and told me I could roam the house freely. The day after that, I had to start eating dinner with Carlos and not in my room. Lunches I'm still able to have on my balcony.
I keep to myself, spending hardly any time downstairs and almost all my time on the balcony, staring at the red hibiscuses, wondering how Hunter is and if I will ever be able to touch him again.
I crave his arms and humor and kisses that made me feel alive. I miss waking up next to him. I'd do anything to have him hold me when I have the same reoccurring night terror instead of Carlos trying to comfort me.
Since I'm such a mess, Carlos hasn't tried anything with me. While he gives me kisses on my forehead and cheek, he doesn't attempt anything more than that. One time he tried to kiss me on the lips. I had a horrible panic attack. He called the doctor who told him it is the guerrillas' and Santiago's fault I'm messed up, and it was just going to take time.
My assumption is he's doing what Arja instructs him. For that and that alone, I'm grateful to her.
On the tenth day, I wake up, dreading what lies ahead. There is a party at the Mexican embassy, and Carlos is insisting I join him.
An electric-blue cocktail dress hangs on the back of the door hanger for me to wear, and it's the first thing I see when I open my eyes. The note attached says,
Vanessa,
I'm looking forward to showing you off tonight.
Carlos
My insides shake. I wipe tears as I go out to the balcony, but my tears of pain turn to love as I look down below.
Petals from red hibiscuses are spread all over the lawn as if the wind blew them in. Some are half-decayed. Some are fresh and vibrant. But every one of them brings me joy.
It's as if Hunter knows how hard this day will be for me and is sending extra encouragement for me to get through it.
The effort he went through, and the risk he took to create the message give me a new resilience.
The Global Leaders will be there tonight. I need to act normal.
Don't disappoint Carlos. Hunter is coming. I have to be patient.
Arja comes and gives me a stern lecture about making sure I look perfect and don't embarrass Carlos at the event.
She rises and puts her hands on the rail. "What happened to the lawn?"
"What do you mean?"
"How did all those flower petals get there?"
I do my best to lie convincingly. "I don't know. I didn't notice them."
She spins and studies me. Her eyes turn to slits. "You didn't notice that?"
"Sorry. I've been going over in my mind what to say to people and how to act for tonight. Oh, and I'm worried about my makeup."
"Carlos is sending his beauty team in. You won't be doing your hair and makeup."
I fake a big sigh. "Okay. That's good. Do you know what time so I can shower? Should I have my hair wet or dry?"
She shrugs.
"Well, can you find out? It's important," I bark at her, and her head moves back in surprise.
I put my hand on my hips.
She carefully studies me and I try not to squirm.
"Well? Can you find out? I don't want to be unpresentable or late for Carlos. You know he is very punctual."
"Yes, I can do that."
"Is there anything else I need to know about tonight?"
"No crying. No attacks. No disobeying Carlos."
"I can't control my attacks."
"You better tonight."
I take a deep breath.
"You also owe Jonas an apology."
"What?" I cry out and dread fills me.
"You were disrespectful when he rescued you."
Rescued me? He abducted me.
She points in my face. "That look will get you killed or committed."
She's right. "I'll apologize when I see him."
"Good. Do it in front of Carlos." She glances down at the lawn. "Must have been the wind last night. It was powerful."
I step into the bedroom to move away from the topic of the petals and remove the dress off the doorway hook. "If you're done with me for the day, I need to go figure out what shoes and jewelry I'm wearing."
She hesitates but then leaves, and I sigh in relief.
I sit on the bed and gaze out the window, smiling again at the red petals.
Esther comes in and tells me that I need to have my hair dry for the stylists. I shower, put a robe on, and do as instructed.
A team of stylists I've never met before comes in.
Where are my old people?
They do my hair and makeup then help me zip my dress. I choose the matching electric-blue four-inch Jimmy Choos that Carlos bought me for my last birthday.
They leave. I open my jewelry box to figure out what to wear.
Carlos enters the room. "Vanessa."
I spin and tell myself not to break down. I cannot show any weakness tonight.
He steps closer. "Wow. You look amazing."
"I need to put my jewelry on." I turn back to the box.
He puts his arms around me and positions his hard body flush to mine.
I freeze.
My hair is in long curls but pinned back on one side. His lips graze my neck, and I jump.
"Are you ever going to let us be us again?" His voice is soft and not the aggressive tone he usually speaks to me with.
Don't make him mad.
I need to protect yourself.
"Vanessa?" It's a rarity, but he doesn't raise his voice and waits for me to respond.
"I need time. A...a lot happened...not just with you."
"Santiago is dead. I killed him for touching you."
He thinks Santiago hurt me.
I told Santiago too much. It's going to come back to hurt me.
Wait.
I spin. "He's dead?"
"Yes. I ordered it."
I gape at him.
"I'm working on avenging the guerrillas."
More silence, except for the pounding of blood between my ears.
Carlos trails his finger down my cheek. It takes all my will not to shudder or cringe. "I need you back, Vanessa."
"I'll be good tonight. I promise," I blurt out as new fear takes hold.
"Shhh. I didn't mean that. I know you will not disappoint me in public."
"You do?"