A few times, he tried to wake me up, but when I didn't respond, he backed off. But it's coming. Once we're married, I'll have no way out. And I already know I won't survive the month-long trip he's booked for our honeymoon.
If I don't die outside the church, it will happen on the honeymoon. I can feel it.
"Well, aren't you stunning."
I snap out of my thoughts. "I'm sorry, what?"
The seamstress spins me in the full-length mirror. For the first time, I see myself in the white wedding dress.
It's a dress that every girl would dream of. Handmade lace, rhinestones, and satin hug my body in all the right places.
What a waste.
Tears fall again.
"Oh. Here. You don't want to get your dress wet." The older seamstress holds the box of tissues out.
I pull one out and blow my nose, and blood spurts out.
"Oh, no. Honey, lean forward, quick!"
I lean, but it's not in time. A drop gets on the dress and more fear courses through me.
Carlos is going to be so angry.
"Oh God," I cry out.
The seamstress rubs my back and holds more tissues to my nose.
"I ruined the dress!"
"Don't you worry. We'll fix it."
"Please. I'm so sorry. I can't have blood on my dress."
The younger woman unzips me and pushes it off my shoulders. "Step forward."
I take a few steps, and she drags the dress away.
"Please don't tell Carlos," I whisper.
The older woman's eyes are sympathetic, but I remind myself she's on Carlos's payroll.
"He just worries so much about me. And he's busy with work. I don't want him disturbed."
"No worries. We'll fix it, and he will never know."
"Thank you."
"Sure."
She stares at me for an uncomfortable moment. "Honey, are you sure you're okay?"
No. I'll never be okay again.
I force a smile. "Yes. I just want everything to be perfect."
She snorts. "Weddings aren't perfect. Something always goes wrong."
"No. Mine can't. Please. Don't let anything go wrong," I beg her.
She moves her hand toward my face, and I recoil.
"Sorry. You have hair stuck to the blood."
"Oh. Sorry. I'll go wash my face." I go into the bathroom and wash my face then give myself a pep talk to pull my shit together.
My face is flushed, and I feel like something is off, but I figure it's just another panic attack.
When I come back out, the two women have packed up their stuff and put the dress away.
"We will be here bright and early on your big day!"
"Thank you."
The older lady peers closer. "Have you had any rest lately?"
"I'm fine. Lots to do with the wedding."
"Get some rest, dear. You look like you might be coming down with something, and you have a full schedule these next few days."
"Thank you. I'll be okay."
They leave, and I crawl into bed, suddenly exhausted.
I fall asleep. Instead of having a night terror, I dream of Hunter.
I can't see him, but he's carrying me. I'm not sure where, but my face is tucked into his chest, and I can feel his heartbeat race.
"Flower. Drink this. You need it," he says, and we sway back and forth.
"I love you, Flower. Don't you leave me," he cries out, and the floating feeling I always have in my night terrors engulfs me.
My dream shifts to the same nightmare I always have, but it flashes in pieces. My wedding vows to Carlos, the white dress with red blood splattered not just in one spot but all over it, and bright light.
There is no more of Hunter's warmth. A frigid coldness fills my bones, and I open my eyes to Carlos on top of me. He's naked and kissing me.
I break out in a sweat, even though my bones are still so cold I'm shuddering, and nausea overpowers me.
I throw up all over the bed. Carlos jumps off me and starts screaming so loud, Arja comes running in.
I can't stop puking. No matter how much he yells at me, or Arja screams back for him to stop, I projectile vomit everywhere.
When I finally stop, I'm so weak, dizzy, and full of sweat that I don't even notice the hives.
Carlos throws on his robe. "Clean up your mess." He goes into the bathroom, gets in the shower, and changes into clothes.
The entire time, I lay on the side of the bed that doesn't have any vomit on it, sweating and hardly moving.
"Why is this not cleaned up?" Carlos barks.
"She's sick. Feel her forehead," Arja replies.
Carlos puts his hand on my head, and I don't even flinch. I don't care. It feels good since I'm so hot. "Have Esther and the other women clean this up and call the doctor. I'll be in my office working."
I don't feel them move me from the bed to the bathroom until the cool shower water hits me. When I'm finished, the room is clean, and I crawl back into bed.
The doctor comes. He asks me a lot of questions. I answer, but I'm not sure what I respond. When Carlos comes in, he has him sit down.
"Does she have the flu?"
"In a way."
"What does that mean?" Carlos barks.
"She's been under a lot of stress."
"So? We all are."
"Her body is saying it needs a break from the stress," the doctor states.
"Is this a joke?"
"No. She needs to rest and not have any stress. The anxiety attacks severely compromise her immune system."
"We have a rehearsal dinner tomorrow night and wedding the next day."
"She needs to rest. You may have to postpone it."
"I will not."
"Carlos—"
"Out." He points to the door.
"What?"
"Get out of my house, now. Until you can do your job correctly, I don't want you back here."
"She's not going to get better if you don't let her rest."
Carlos sneers at me. "Fine. I'll cancel the rehearsal dinner. You have today and tomorrow to rest. You will not ruin our wedding day. Do you understand?"
Tears fall, and I can hardly reply. I merely nod and turn into the pillow, covering my face. I pull the blanket over my shivering body, that's once again full of sweat, and close my eyes.
The next day is the first day since being out of my straitjacket that I don't leave the bed. But when I glance out the window, the trees have more red hibiscuses than I've ever seen.
28
Vanessa
Since the doctor came several days ago, Carlos hasn't been in the room, and I've not left it.
At least, I don't know if he has, and I don't ask.
Esther watches over me, and Arja checks on me periodically. I've eaten nothing, and I'm not even able to stomach fluids. The doctor set up an IV drip, and I've been getting hydration from that.
On the day of my wedding, I wake up before anyone is in my room. It's the first time since getting sick on Carlos that I've not woken up in a sweat. I still feel hot, but at least I'm not dripping wet.
I remove the IV from my hand and take a shower. It's also the first time I've been conscious and by myself.