“Yo, relief’s here,” Siren said as she approached with a coffee. “If you want to go get a snack or something, now’s the time. Though it looks like I’m late to the party?”
“I’m fi—” I started.
“Great timing,” Logan said with a grin. He grabbed me by the forearm. “He’ll be back in just a few minutes.”
Siren rolled her eyes good-naturedly as Logan dragged me toward the clubhouse, with Dante and Eli behind us, and Gretel yipping up ahead.
Inside the clubhouse, Raven and Joker were peering at something on Raven’s laptop open on the kitchen island, while Heath was unpacking a big box of goodies from Stella’s. “There you are,” Heath said, grinning at Dante. “Which ones are we supposed to be taste-testing?”
“Not important,” Logan said teasingly. “More important things to discuss. I’m putting the coffee on.”
Heath tilted his head at me, while Logan went to the coffeemaker, and Eli dropped into a seat next to Raven and Joker.
Logan raised his eyebrows at me. I recognized it for what it was—an out. If I didn’t want to discuss this with the rest of the guys in the clubhouse, he wouldn’t push. But knowing that at the end of the day, I was the one in control of who knew what gave me the confidence, and the feeling of safety, that I needed to feel comfortable.
“Give me a scone then we’ll talk,” I said.
Heath handed one over diligently. “About?”
“I may have, uh, slept with Dawson.” I bit my lip, and then stuffed the scone into my mouth.
“What!” Raven squawked. “Dawson?”
“I know!” Eli exclaimed.
“Aren’t you straight?” Joker asked, eyes wide.
“That’s what I said!” Dante threw his hands up, vindicated.
“I know, I know,” I said, flushing deeply. “We just… we connected.”
“I’ll say,” Eli said with a roll of his eyes.
“How did it even happen?” Logan asked.
“I took him home from Ballast when he was too drunk a while ago,” I said. “Let him crash with me, and the next morning it just… happened.”
“No way,” Raven said. “How does it just happen?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It was impulsive, but it just felt right. And once we kissed, it was like… this unstoppable connection. I hadn’t felt anything like it in a long time.”
I didn’t know how else to explain it. I didn’t feel like I could tell the guys I was pretty settled on never being with anyone again. And sometimes I felt like—what kind of man was I, that I didn’t give a shit about sex, that it wasn’t something I even considered most of the time? I didn’t think my brothers-in-arms would judge me, but I was afraid they wouldn’t understand. Sometimes my lack of desire made me feel broken.
Joker gaped at me, his own half-eaten scone abandoned on the kitchen island. “So you just had sex, your first time with a dude? Just like that?”
I felt my cheeks heat. Joker wasn’t nearly as acerbic as he used to be, now that Brennan had softened his sharp edges, but he still had a tendency to say whatever was on his mind. A little tactless sometimes, but it definitely got the point across.
“Well, yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Like I said, it just felt right.”
“What do you mean?” Logan asked.
I smiled softly in thanks when Dante put a fresh cup of coffee in front of me. I leaned my elbows on the big kitchen island. Dante ran his hand across Heath’s lower back fondly as he wandered back into the kitchen, listening as he broke apart one of the scones and peered judiciously at the crumbs.
With everyone gathered in the kitchen, ready to pry into my love life, I should’ve felt a little exposed or at least a little embarrassed. But their careful, considered attention made me feel safe. I knew here I wouldn’t be judged, no matter what crazy decisions I’d made with Dawson.
“It’s weird,” I admitted as I wrapped my hands around the warm mug. “It’s just… I feel like there’s something…familiar between us, you know? Something deep. From the very beginning it’s felt that way.”
“Not just that he’s hot?” Eli asked. “Because he’s definitely hot.”
“Come on,” I said with a fond eyeroll. “You know how I am.”
“Okay, good point,” Eli conceded.
“What’s that mean?” Dante asked.
I took a sip of my coffee. Especially in a culture like that of a motorcycle club, I knew it was weird. But things in our club were changing, too, and we’d never exactly been traditional—so even if I didn’t tell them everything, maybe I could share some parts of what I’d been grappling with since Dawson walked into my life. I took a breath and steeled myself.
“I’ve never really been into the hookup scene, as I’m sure you’ve picked up on over the years,” I admitted. “I just… I don’t really like casual sex.”
I waited for the guys to laugh, or at least gape in shock—what kind of guy didn’t like to get laid? But no one did. Raven simply nodded thoughtfully, and Dante crossed his arms over his chest as he listened closely. Even Joker kept his mouth shut, which honestly shocked me. He’d really grown up a lot in the past months.
“I really only like having sex when I’m in a relationship,” I said with a shrug. “And I haven’t… I haven’t really been in a serious relationship since my high school sweetheart. She’s really the only person I’ve ever been in a relationship with. I just haven’t met anyone that made me want to try.”
“Until now?” Logan asked with a small smile on his face.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Like I said, there’s something there. And yeah, I… I’m attracted to him.”
“Obviously,” Eli said with a smirk. “Since you slept with him and everything.”
I bit my lip. “I know. I hadn’t wanted to do that with anyone in a long time. It was kind of fun.”
Eli whistled teasingly, and I blushed again and leaned forward to rest my forehead against the cool surface of the kitchen island.
Raven closed his laptop—the soft sound grabbed my attention. He tapped his forefinger against his chin thoughtfully, with a small furrow in his brow. “Hey, Nix, have you ever heard of demisexuality?”
I blinked.
“Sounds like you want to fuck trucks,” Joker quipped.
“You’re thinking of semis,” Dante said helpfully.
“Hang on, I’m workshopping,” Joker said. A beat. “Sounds like you want to fuck Demi Moore,” he corrected himself with a nod.
“Who doesn’t want to fuck Demi Moore?” Eli asked.
“Guys,” Raven said through a fond laugh. “Please.”
“Let Raven enlighten us,” Logan said with a wave of his hand.
“It’s just a word for someone who doesn’t feel any sexual attraction without significant emotional connect,” Raven said. “So, like, the opposite of Joker.”
Something in my gut twisted curiously.
“Being horny is not a crime,” Joker said.