“It’s kind of a curse,” Rasul confessed one day as he picked up a new stack of titles from Jacob. These were from the bookstore itself, and he’d shelled out quite a bit of money for them. “I go through things so quickly.”
“You don’t have to purchase this many,” Jacob said.
Rasul winked at him. “I know, but I feel like buying a bookseller’s stock is a kind of flirting.”
Rasul made casual remarks about dating every so often, not so much as to feel like pressure but enough that Jacob couldn’t ever forget his fake boyfriend remained ready to be a real one at any time. Jacob still didn’t want to touch that, but he couldn’t help thinking about what it would be like. Essentially they were dating, though they weren’t having sex. That and the veneer their ruse put between them felt like a fragile safety to Jacob. It kept him from getting too attached.
Gus and Matt, however, didn’t buy it.
“You’re even more in love with him than you were before,” Gus said during a Mini Main Street meeting in Engleton’s back room. They sat clustered on the far end away from the heap of alterations, and Jacob ended up facing the line of custom suits in various stages of construction. “Except this time he’s not a fantasy. He’s right in front of you.”
“He’s behaving,” Jacob insisted, a little desperately.
“He undresses you with his eyes,” Matt countered, and Jacob had to concede this was true.
Jacob wasn’t sure what he wanted from Rasul any longer. Initially holding him at bay felt like keeping himself safe, but at this point Rasul was so entwined in his life his departure would leave a void. He told himself it was smart to limit how intimate they were because it would make things less painful later, but with every day that passed, he was less sure that was true.
Plus it was clear Rasul was holding back, that if allowed, he’d make their polite, nicely intimate friendship flame with passion well beyond the bedroom. There were more and more flares, Rasul’s eyes lighting up as he seized on something he loved or bounced a plot point off of Jacob. All Jacob had to do was lower the gate and that intensity would come rushing at him.
The worst part was that Jacob wanted it. It made him remember aspects of himself he’d left behind in Chicago, when he’d transported himself back to Copper Point after his parents’ deaths. But he wasn’t that person any longer. And Rasul was never going to stay here. So why stir that part of him back up?
He did his best not to think about it, instead focusing on those custom suits in Engleton’s back room as he walked home, and again as he lay in bed. They looked nice—still conservative, but something about them really drew the eye, even unfinished. They must feel amazing too.
Impractical for him, since he’d never have anywhere worthy of wearing them. Still. They were nice.
As September bled into October, when Jacob walked the distance from his store to Gus’s for a Mini Main Street Meeting Matt had called, the leaves whipped around him in an increasingly bitter fall wind, mirroring the feelings of his insides.
I want him. I want to try this. I don’t care that it’s temporary. I want to ride the ride.
Gus and Matt were already in the back room discussing something, but they took one look at Jacob as he came in and called a time-out.
“You look… intense.” Matt frowned at Jacob, then at Gus. “Did something happen?”
“I want to date him for real.” Jacob sank into a chair and collapsed forward on the table.
“I’ll get the whiskey,” Gus said and disappeared into his office.
Matt patted Jacob’s head. “You lasted longer than I thought. It’s okay. We’ll walk you through.”
Jacob downed the shot Gus passed to him. “I can’t date him. It’ll be a disaster. Don’t you get it?”
Gus sat beside Matt and threaded his fingers together. “No, hon, we don’t. Why would it be a disaster? He’s clearly into you, and you’re into him—have been forever. What’s the problem here?”
Matt had poured him a second shot of alcohol, and Jacob downed this too. “It’s temporary. I’m going to get my heart broken as it is. I have to mitigate the damage.”
“Why is it temporary?” Matt gave himself a little whiskey, but he drank it more slowly. “I mean, I know he’s only here for a short time, but it’s not like you couldn’t—”
“He’s going to go back to his exciting life of traveling the world and being with exciting people in exciting places. And I’m not exciting.”
Gus folded his arms over his chest. “I take great issue with that self-assessment. I suspect Rasul would too.”
Jacob snorted. “He called me Mr. Rogers when we first met.”
Matt blinked a moment, then nodded. “Oh, the sweaters.”
Jacob, always a lightweight, waved a drunken hand angrily. “He doesn’t know why I wear the sweaters.”
Gus remained patient and annoyingly sober. “You do know you could tell him?”
Snarling, Jacob poured himself more to drink.
“Careful,” Matt warned. “Clark will have a field day if you drink yourself into the ER.”
“I can’t tell him.” Jacob drank slightly slower this time. “I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want to open that door. I want to remain in my nice tidy life. I like my life. I love my shop, love my friends, my routine. I wasn’t unhappy at all before he showed up.”
Gus’s expression softened. “But you are now?”
Jacob sagged. “I tried not to be. I couldn’t help it.”
“What do you think would happen if you told him some of this? Any of this?” Matt asked.
“We’d have sex. Wild, intense sex all over my apartment and maybe the shop.”
“That doesn’t sound bad,” Gus pointed out.
“And then he’d leave when the school year was out, and all over my safe space that I love so much, I’d be surrounded by sadness. His new book would come out, and instead of being thrilled for its release, I’d be too emotional to even put it on my shelves. I don’t want this.” He slammed his hand on the table. “I didn’t want him to come to Copper Point at all. I just wanted things to continue as they were. But I don’t think they can ever go back anymore. I think I’m going to be sad when he goes no matter what. And I don’t like it.”
He reached for the whiskey.
Gus pulled the bottle away and rose. “I’ll go get him some coffee and a glass of water.”
“I’m sorry.” Jacob ran a hand through his hair. “This was supposed to be a meeting for you, Matt.”
“Don’t worry about it.” He leaned forward on the table. “Can you explain something to me, Jake? If you know you’re going to be sad no matter what, why not dive in and have a good time while he’s here?”
“Because the very thought terrifies me.” Jacob hugged his glass. “Heroes shouldn’t come to life. He should have stayed up on his pedestal where he belongs.” He reached for the bottle again, but of course it was gone. “I want to settle down with someone nice, maybe get a dog. I’ve assumed I’m a little too late for a relationship like that, but I have friends, so I always thought I was okay. Except now I’m not. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel okay again.”