Rhett's cheeks heated all over again, but this time for a different reason. Calix's simple words showed him once again how powerful affirmation was. Never before had someone validated his choice. Of course he hadn't shared his virginal status with many people, but it had come up in conversations once or twice. And every single time, he'd felt like an oddball, an outsider, that the others were ridiculing him, albeit it subtly.
"Thank you. I appreciate you saying that. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. I did want to give my body to someone worthy, but over time, the issue became too big a thing in my head, and I got scared of making the wrong choice. So I made no choice at all."
Calix drained the last of his drink, then put his glass back on the table and pulled his feet up on the couch. "I remember the first time one of my college professors said that not making a choice is also a choice. At first, I didn't understand what she meant by that. How could not doing anything imply a choice? But as I grow older, I'm seeing more and more how right she was. Sometimes, people get so paralyzed by decision stress they don't make a choice at all, but that's a decision as well. It may be an unconscious one, but not acting is also a choice."
"Yeah, that describes me to a T. It's been frustrating. Levar is such a go-getter, so proactive, and I'm…stuck."
Much to his surprise, his glass was empty, and he didn't protest when Calix refilled their drinks.
"But you said you wanted to make a change." Calix picked the conversation back up. "Do you mean you're ready to date? Or do you just want to have some casual hookups? What are we talking about, exactly?"
Rhett took a deep breath. "By Thanksgiving next year, I want to not be sad and alone. I want to move out of Loserville and get a fucking life, one that includes Levar and Henley without depending on them. I want to have my stupid V-card punched, or whatever archaic expression applies, and I want to get good at sex so I can score myself a boyfriend."
Calix grinned broadly as he raised his glass. "I'll drink to that."
So did Rhett, and warmth spread throughout his body, whether from the alcohol or the fact that he'd had the guts to come clean. Did it really matter?
"So, we need to get you ready to date. What's your biggest fear?"
"Sex." He clapped a hand on his mouth, shocked that had flown out.
But Calix waved his hand at him. "No, none of that. It's a normal topic, and I refuse to get all weird about it. So, sex. What are you scared of?"
God, this situation was surreal. Apart from Levar and Henley, he'd never talked to anyone about this. Ever. Okay, his therapist, maybe, but it had never been the main topic of conversation, more something he would mention in passing when they talked about something else. And the first person he chose to share this with was his boss? He had to be absolutely out of his fucking mind, crazy stupid dumb idiot. Wait, that hadn't been a correct sentence. Whatever. The sentiment stood.
Still, he couldn't keep himself from answering. Maybe it was how Calix looked at him, with this combination of genuine interest, kindness, and a desire to help. "That I'm bad at it. Most guys my age will have a lot of sexual experience, and I don't. What if I find somebody willing to date me and we do it for the first time? He's gonna expect me to know what I'm doing, and I have no fucking clue."
"I assume you're familiar with the mechanics of sex."
Rhett rolled his eyes. "I know my way around gay porn, thank you very much."
Wait, hadn't Calix just refilled his glass? Why was it empty again? Oh well. The bottle wasn't empty, so he could always get another.
"That's a good start."
Rhett shook his head. "It's not the same. It's all good and well to know tab A goes into slot B, but that's all theory. The reality is…" No, no matter how buzzed he was, he still wasn't drunk enough to share that. Even Levar didn't know that. Maybe he suspected it, but Rhett had never come right out and said it.
"Look, sweetheart, I know we live in a society that has blown sex way out of proportion, which can create unrealistic expectations. But the truth is unless you date somebody who is a serious player—and for some reason, I doubt that would be your type—nobody will expect you to deep throat like a porn star or take a cock without prepping. Pick the right guy, and you'll find sex is pretty natural and easy."
15
Matthew had always joked that a buzzed Calix was a horny Calix, and apparently that was still true because all this talking about sex made Calix hard as a rock. He ignored it, wanting to focus on the conversation as much as was possible with two glasses of vodka in his system and little else. Breakfast had been a bagel with cream cheese, in anticipation of the copious amounts of food later on. In hindsight, he probably should've eaten a bit more.
Rhett mumbled something, and Calix frowned. "Sorry, I missed that. What?"
"The last time I kissed someone was when I was fifteen…and that was Levar."
Calix blinked. Either he was drunker than he had realized, or Rhett had just said he not only had never had sex but had never even kissed someone in over fifteen years. Surely that couldn't be right? But one look at the fiercely blushing kid—though why Calix kept calling him a kid in his head was beyond him, and he should stop doing it—confirmed he'd heard correctly.
Rhett was thirty-two years old, and he hadn't kissed anyone other than his best friend, which must have been some kind of curiosity experiment. As much as he tried not to judge, Calix felt sad for him. Kissing was such a wonderful experience, especially as a teenager. Figuring out the logistics of it, what to do with your tongue, how to hold your mouth, preventing your teeth from clacking, it was all part of the rituals of growing up. And Rhett had never gotten to experience those?
"How come? I can understand about the sex, but not even a kiss?"
Rhett shrugged, but it didn't come off as casual at all. "I wasn't popular in high school. I got bullied throughout middle school, and I started high school, expecting more of the same. My parents weren't supportive, and I didn't have anyone to hang out with…until I met Levar."
"Was he popular?"
Rhett's smile was sweet. "No, but he was one of those precious few who could navigate between the popular kids and the losers. Nobody hated him, if that makes sense, and he pulled me into that same territory. But he was much more extroverted than I am, way more social. He didn't date a lot, not once we went off to college. He was too focused, though he did score hookups. But I never had the social skills to pull those off. Even when we went clubbing together, he'd end up in the bathroom with some guy for mutual blow jobs or something, and I'd wait in some dark corner for him to be done."
"You can't tell me no one ever approached you. You're cute. By the way, I love your new haircut."
Somewhere in the back of his mind, alarm bells went off. This conversation was venturing into territory that was far from appropriate, considering their work relationship, but he couldn't stop himself.
Rhett self-consciously touched his hair. "Thank you. I wanted a change."
"It suits you. Brings out your blue eyes much more. But like I said, men must have been propositioning you."