“You will come back, right?”
Matt nodded and for the first time since he’d heard the news gave me a small smile.
Well, at least that was encouraging.
***
I made my way home, a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Matt had promised that he would contact me as soon as his flight landed, and he’d genuinely smiled, so I had no reason to feel so lost. He’d actually taken the news a hell of a lot better than I had expected him to.
Unlocking the door and making my way inside my apartment, I tried to imagine what was going through his mind when he’d heard he was going to be a father. Was he freaking out? Was he secretly happy and just couldn’t express it? Was he wondering how he could dump me and not look like a complete tosser?
Urgh! I had no idea what happened inside a man’s mind at the best of times. When this kind of bombshell had been dropped, I could only imagine he was making an exit plan.
Stop Molly! He gave you no reason to believe he was baling on you.
I threw my bag on the hall table and rubbed my face remembering the day Matt and I had met. I’d been repaying a favor I owed to the head of the Westport Television Network newsroom, as they needed some still photography of a wedding they were featuring on the news. Matt was the reporter who had landed the job. I wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong or why the head of the newsroom had a grudge against him and had given him the honour of covering such a hard-hitting story, but the bride was a Labrador and the groom was a thirty-year-old man. The groom did say that the marriage wasn’t sexual (or legal for that matter) but he apparently loved his dog so much he wanted to be joined by contract.
I looked down at my little Maltese crossed with who-the-heck-knew dog, Harper, and understood how the groom had felt. No matter what happened to me in life, Harper would never abandon me and would continue to love me unconditionally.
He’d trotted down the hall alongside me, and now stopped, his eyes bright and hopeful.
“You’re right,” I said to him. “I think it’s hunger. It’s the only explanation I can come up with as to why my stomach feels so empty. It needs a treat.”
He heard the T word and sprinted to the kitchen. By the time I caught up with him, he was sitting in front of the cupboard that held his jar of Smacko’s.
“You know the vet put you on a diet, right?” Harper didn’t seem to care about Mike the vet’s opinion of his waistline. Instead he licked the drool dribbling from his jowls and gave a little woof.
Smiling, I patted him before opening the jar and handing him his much-loved doggie treat. He accepted with pleasure and trotted off to the couch where he would make himself comfortable on my favorite new cushions and then happily gnaw away. The life of a dog. Albeit a spoilt one. But he deserved it. When my siblings Lizzie and Danny had rescued him from the animal shelter, he hadn’t resembled the dog he was today. Nope, then he was several kilo’s underweight, his white fur was stained brown and the two teeth he’d had left were rotten. I liked to tell everyone we rescued him, but in all seriousness, he’d rescued me. He’d arrived at a time when I’d been close to depression. Harper had seamlessly slid into my life, taking up a massive share of my bed and leaving fluff balls in every corner of the room. And I loved it. In fact, I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
I moved to the pantry and pulled out the packet of Tim Tam’s. Maybe a bit of chocolate would help fill the void inside me. I’d just ripped the packet open, a biscuit halfway to my lips when my phone rang, the caller ID displayed my brother Danny.
“Hey bro,” I sang, a fake cheeriness in my tone.
“Hey you. I just wanted to check that you’re okay.”
“Of course, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” I nibbled the end of the biscuit, figuring I should check if sugar was bad for the baby.
“Because I saw how pale you were when you and Matt left after dinner. I wanted to hang around, but Andrew told me I had to give you privacy.” Danny tutted. Andrew was Danny’s partner in both life and business. At seventeen years older than Danny he was the more sensible of the two of them.
“Thank him for me, will you?” The chocolate was melting so I hurriedly popped the entire biscuit in my mouth and licked my fingers clean.
Danny sighed. “What are you eating?”
“Tim Tam,” I managed, swallowing the evidence.
“Is that good for the baby?”
I shrugged. “I thought about looking that up, but then I kind of just ate it.”
“That’s not like you.”
“Nothing is like me anymore.” Unexpected tears brimmed my lashes. “I’m worried that I will never be the same again.”
“You won’t be. You’ll turn into mum.”
I rubbed my stomach as I leaned against the kitchen counter and allowed the tears to fall in big fat blobs.
“Oh Molly, don’t cry,” yelled Danny. “Mum’s fantastic. Most of the time.”
“Y…yes, b...but I’m not sure I can imagine being a mother. I don’t think I’m cut out for it. My anxiety is already through the roof worrying about the way this baby is forming. Every morning I check my pregnancy app, learning what foods I need to eat and what I need to avoid. I check to see the development of the baby, and what to expect over the coming weeks.”
“Then you’re doing amazingly well,” Danny encouraged.
“No, I’m not!” I wailed. “I’m concerned about the lack of love I’m feeling about it all. At first, I thought it was because I was more worried about telling Matt the truth, but what if I just never fall in love with the baby? What will I do then?”
I was building myself into a full-blown panic attack, one that Danny obviously couldn’t handle, as Andrew came online.
“Hello possum.” Andrew had a soft, kind voice that had an immediate calming effect on me. He could be reading me a shopping list and I would still feel instantly better.
“Hey.” I sniffed.
“Now I need you to listen to me,’ he continued. “What you’re feeling is hormones. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. You’re going to be an amazing mother.”
“How do you know that?” It wasn’t like me to feel this insecure, but I guessed he had the hormone part right.
“When my sisters had their children, they went through the same thing.”
“Ahuh. But what if the baby takes after Grandma Mabel?” I shuddered. As much as I loved her, I wasn’t sure I could cope with a child like that.
“Then you’ll have a daughter who will be a free spirit and full of life and will be a joy to everyone around her.”
“You did hear me when I said Grandma Mabel, right?”
Andrew chuckled. “Yes. And you and I both know how wonderful she is.”
I sighed. He was right. Grandma was a wild card but she was amazing and I secretly hoped that when I was her age, I would be just like her.
“Thanks Andrew. I feel better now.”
“Good. Now Danny’s annoying me to put him back on the phone. Take care gorgeous, and remember we love you.”
“Love you too,” I called as the phone was passed over.
“So how did it go with Matt?” Danny asked, getting straight to the point. “Did he sweep you up in his arms and declare his undying love?”