“The doctor said it shouldn’t be too long. He broke my water and I’m almost completely dilated.” I shrug, not really sure what the hell any of that means. I’ve read a million books on what to expect once I have the baby, but I probably should’ve read at least one on labor and delivery.
“Good evening,” the nurse says cheerily. “How’s everyone?”
Everyone mumbles an okay or good.
She checks my blood pressure and then walks over to the machine that’s monitoring the baby’s heartbeat. She smiles, tells me she’ll be back in a little while to check on me, then disappears.
“You guys don’t have to hang out here,” I say, once she’s gone. “I’m the only one who has to be stuck in this room.” I laugh softly, my eyes feeling heavy from the pain meds.
“I’m going to go let the guys know everything is okay,” Kayla says. She stops at Ryan and rubs a hand up and down his shoulder before she exits.
“I think I’ll join her,” Mom says after a beat, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll be back soon,” she whispers, letting me know she’s giving Ryan and me a moment.
When she leaves, and it’s only Ryan and me in the room, neither of us says a word for several long minutes. The epidural is working and I can barely feel the contractions.
Ryan stands and walks over to the monitor. “We’re going to have a baby,” he murmurs, lifting the paper that’s printing out the baby’s heartbeat. Unsure if he’s talking to me or to himself, I don’t respond.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, walking back over to me.
“Okay. He’s kicking. Do you want to feel?”
“He?” He raises a brow.
“I don’t really know. I decided to wait and find out. But I think it’s a boy.” Every time I would see him on the monitor I would imagine him with Ryan’s and my brown hair and Ryan’s cobalt blue eyes.
I place Ryan’s hand on my belly. The baby presses one of his limbs against my stomach and Ryan’s eyes light up. “Holy shit,” he whispers. “There’s a baby in there.”
I choke out a laugh, for the first time feeling a little lighter since he showed up. “There is.”
“I almost missed all this,” he says, his hand and eyes not leaving my stomach.
“I’m so sorry, Ry.” His gaze moves to my face, and his eyes soften. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I’ve been thinking about you for the last nine months,” he admits. “I thought about writing you a million times, but I didn’t want to put you in that position.” He pauses for a moment. “Did you know… when I called and asked you to visit?”
“No.” I shake my head to emphasize my answer. “I mean, I might’ve had a clue, but I was deep in denial. Then I went to visit Georgia and Lexi, and Lexi made me take a test. By the time I got it confirmed by a doctor you were already gone.” It’s becoming hard to keep my eyes open, but I try, needing to make things right with Ryan.
“I’m so sorry,” I say again, the words coming out in a slur. “If I could do it all over again…”
Ryan pulls a chair over and sits in it, putting his hand back on my belly. “Shh, it’s okay, I know. Just rest. You have a long night ahead of you. We’ll deal with everything else later.”
I nod, closing my eyes so I can rest them. Today has been emotionally draining, and when I leave here I’m going to have a baby. I need to get all the sleep I can while I can.
At some point, I must’ve drifted off, because the next thing I know, I’m hearing voices that weren’t here before I fell asleep. I open my eyes to find Ryan standing by the monitor, along with my mom, the doctor, and nurse.
“I agree,” the doctor says, looking at Ryan. “The heartbeat has decreased significantly and in a short amount of time.” He glances at the nurse. “Let’s prep her for an emergency cesarean. The baby appears to be in distress.”
“Yes, sir.”
“What’s going on?” I ask, suddenly nervous and confused.
“Ryan was watching the heartbeat and noticed it dropped rather quickly,” Mom says, “so he called for the doctor.”
“Something’s wrong with my baby?” I cover my belly with my hands, even though there’s nothing I can do.
“No,” the nurse says, moving the IV to a portable unit, “but when the baby shows signs of distress, we want to get him out as soon as possible so he doesn’t remain in distress, and since you aren’t fully dilated yet, it’s best to perform a C-section rather than put him through the stress of a natural delivery.”
The nurse hands me a medical cap. “Put this on.” She holds a set of scrubs out for Ryan. “Only one person can go in, but you can bring a camera to take pictures.”
Ryan glances at my mom, torn. “Are you okay with…”
“You’re the father,” my mom says before he can finish his question. “Make sure you take tons of pictures and come get us once you can.” She gives him a hug then walks over to me. “Everything is going to be fine.” She kisses my temple. “I love you, sweet girl.”
With her words, it hits me. I’m about to become a mom. The doctor is going to cut me open and take my baby out of me. My baby, who is in distress.
“Mom,” I cry out. “I can’t do this alone.”
“You’re not,” she says. “Ryan will be there, and as soon as you’re approved for visitors, we’ll come visit. I’m not going anywhere.”
I glance at Ryan, who’s frowning at me, and my heart sinks. “But I’m scared,” I admit, tears stinging my eyes. “I need you.” I know I’m working myself up, but I’m freaking out. What if something’s wrong with the baby? I can’t do this on my own.
“It’s going to be okay,” my mom says, tears welling in her eyes. She gives me another kiss, then looks at Ryan before she leaves. “Take care of our girl, please.” Ryan’s eyes widen, but he nods.
The nurse comes back in with another nurse. “Put those on,” she says to Ryan, pointing at the scrubs. “Nurse Rose is going to walk you to the OR while I wheel Micaela down and get her situated. Once she’s prepped, we’ll let you come in.”
A few minutes later, I’m in a cold room with a blue separator blocking my view of my belly. The doctor walks me through what he’s doing, but I’m not absorbing anything he’s saying, almost positive I’m having a panic attack.
“Hey,” a gravelly voice says. I turn my face slightly and find Ryan’s face only a hairbreadth away from mine. “Breathe, Micaela, you got this.” He takes my hand in his and squeezes it softly. “I’m here with you.”
“I’m really freaking scared,” I say through a sob.
“What do you need from me?” he asks in a voice that reminds me of our time together at the beach house.
“Can you stand and watch? Make sure the baby is okay, and take pictures?”
“I can do that.”
“All right, Dad,” the doctor says. “Get your camera ready.”