“Ryan,” I breathe. I can’t do this. Not a week before he’s leaving.
“I know,” he says knowingly. “But I just need you to know that it’s you. You make me want it all. Make me want shit I never wanted before.”
He releases me and backs up. “I know you freaked out over your present…”
“My present?” I squeal. “A present is that.” I point to the photo album. “You set me up for life.”
Ryan doesn’t laugh. “Damn right I did. You and our son. The reason why you won’t be with me is because you lost your husband. I have to leave in a week, but I’m not going until I know that if something happens to me, you and our son are both taken care of. The house is for you to create a life in. It’s the one you pointed out. Only a half mile from your parents. It’s yours to do with as you please, no strings attached. The car is safe and will fit the stroller. You complained your car was too small for it. I want you to be comfortable and safe while you’re driving our son around. The money is so you can focus on taking care of RJ and not have to worry about how to pay for things. I know your parents will help, but RJ isn’t their responsibility. He’s ours. He’s mine. He’s going to need diapers and wipes and clothes… Babies have needs. I know my Christmas present was a little over the top, but I only have a week until I have to leave, and I needed to make sure that when I do, you and RJ will be okay.”
Well, shit, when he puts it like that, he’s not trying to buy my love. He’s trying to make sure we’re taken care of. But what he doesn’t understand is that when Ian died, I didn’t care that I had no money or a house or a new car…
“I appreciate all of that, but all I want is for you to come home safe. No amount of money can bring Ian back, and it can’t bring you back either if something happens to you.”
“No, but it will give me peace of mind to know you are both taken care of while I’m gone, or if, God forbid, something does happen to me. You may not need all of this now, but I need you to know it’s available to you if you ever do need it.”
I frame his face with my hands. “Thank you.” I place a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll sign whatever you want to give you that peace of mind, but please know all I want is for the father of my son to come home.”
“I will,” he says. “I prom—”
“Don’t.” I cut him off. “Don’t make promises you know you damn well may not be able to keep.”
He takes a deep breath, and I can tell he wants to argue, but instead he says, “All right, how about we go downstairs and I’ll show you your new SUV? I drove it over here.”
“Sounds good.”
We spend the rest of the day celebrating Christmas with our family. We have dinner at my grandparents’ house, where Ryan’s family joins us.
The days following are spent making as many memories as possible. Every picture I take, I print and add to his photo album. Every morning I text Ryan with a different excuse to come over. We never discuss him leaving, or what will happen once he does. We just simply enjoy each other and our son.
Unfortunately, like anything good in life, it all eventually has to come to an end. And that’s proven the day after New Year’s, when I wake up and realize Ryan leaves in twenty-four hours.
Ryan
You don’t realize how quickly vacation can pass by until you’re at the end of it, wishing it would go on forever. It’s been two weeks since I found out I was going to be a dad. Since I became a dad. In those two weeks, RJ has gained a pound and a half. His eyes stay open for longer periods of time. And when he’s hungry, he definitely makes it known. Those two weeks have been spent with Micaela and me hanging out every day. We eat, watch television, go for walks, all while spending time with our son. It would seem like doing that shit would be boring, but it’s not. It’s fucking perfect and there’s no other way I could imagine spending my days. These past fourteen days have been the best of my life. It’s like we’ve created the most perfect bubble. One I wish we could live in for the rest of our lives.
Unfortunately, that comfy little bubble I’m loving the hell out of living in is burst wide open with a single text from Micaela: Come over and wear your military uniform.
And with those seven words, I’m forced back into reality. A reality where I realize I’m leaving tomorrow. I only had fourteen days, and all I want is more…
Micaela
Ryan walks through the door wearing his military uniform. I don’t know what it’s called officially, but it’s a camouflage button-down jacket with matching pants. There are patches on both arms, but I don’t know what any of it means, and combat-looking boots finish the ensemble.
I was worried when I texted him to come over wearing his military uniform, he would ask me why, but he didn’t. And that’s good because I wouldn’t have been able to explain it through text. Even now, I dread what we have to do, but we only have less than twenty-four hours until he leaves, so it’s now or never.
“Where’s RJ?” he asks, looking around for our son. “And why am I wearing these? I don’t leave until tomorrow.”
“He’s in my mom’s room with her. She felt it would be best.”
“Why?” He glances at me, his eyes filled with worry and confusion. “What’s wrong?”
“Other than you leaving…” I force out a laugh. “Nothing. We need to make a couple videos.”
“Videos?”
“Yeah, one for RJ to watch while you’re away, and…” I swallow thickly, trying not to lose it. “One if you don’t make it back.”
Ryan’s eyes widen in shock, his face contorting into an angry glare. “The fuck?” He steps closer to me. “I’m not making a video in case I die.”
“Okay, so you’ll just die and not have any final words for your son, who is only a baby and will never have any recollection of ever having met you, aside from the pictures I’ve taken. He’ll have nothing from you. Not your voice, or your words, nothing.”
He stares at me for several seconds, his breathing heavy, before he nods once in understanding. “Fuck,” he mutters. “Okay.”
We go outside on the back porch where it’s bright and quiet. I set up the tripod with my phone and explain all he has to do is press play and then pause for each one. “Do that for each video, and I’ll be able to show him the one while you’re gone without mistakenly showing the second. I’ll save them as separate files.”
“Wait.” He grabs my wrist as I walk away. “You’re not staying?”
“I think it would be best if you do it alone. As if it’s just a conversation between you and him.”
Ryan nods and I go inside. A few minutes later, I peek outside to check on him and find him on the floor with his face in his hands. I rush out, unsure what happened, and find him sobbing.
“Ryan,” I breathe, sinking down in front of him. “What happened?”
“I can’t do it,” he chokes out, refusing to look at me.