Despite her hard-assedness, Alexis – or Lexi as she would have preferred anybody call her– was the most hilarious chick I’d ever met. That girl’s humor had me in stitches, and she was so damn honest and down to earth, and real, I was in love with her by the end of lunch.
She was studying law like me, and we became study buddies; she was often over at my place every other day before Jaxon came home. Sometimes she’d stay when he came around, but that guy loved his privacy and wanted to jump me the second he got out of the shower. He looked at Lexi as a hindrance to his pleasure time than actual good company and was always ushering her out the door.
“I’m in the middle of a fucking conversation, Jaxon,” she’d argue as he grabbed her by the arm to steer her out.
“I know, and I should be in the middle of fucking my girl, but you don’t see me bitching about it,” Jaxon would respond.
“Man, you and my boyfriend would get along like a house on fire.”
They did. When she brought Trevon around, Jaxon and him hit it off sharing their passion for motorbikes and cars. They’d stay up until the wee hours of the morning watching motocross or playing cards. This was good because it meant Lexi and I had time to do our own thing, like study or go out to the shops.
I didn’t know how we were going with our money. Jaxon gave us a strict budget for food and things I’d need. I never went without, and he was more than happy to spoil me with my very own allowance that I could splash out on for dinners with Lexi or clothes. He never told me how much he had stuffed away, and I didn’t want to ask despite desperately wanting to know. That money was dirty, and I wanted to be ignorant of it at all costs in fear of getting shitty at Jaxon for his old ways.
But he’d made our apartment into a home, furnishing it with a couple couches, a big television, kitchen utensils, and wardrobes. He let me do the finishing touches, hanging up photos of us around our place, and other tiny additives that spoke of us.
Time flies when you’re having fun, and that first year did. It was filled with love and fun, and though there was the usual stress that comes with school and exams, it was overshadowed by the good things in life: Jaxon, Lexi, and a city I had fallen in love with.
When we returned to Gosnells briefly on our holidays, I never stopped by my old house. I closed the chapter of that life the night I was thrown down the stairs. I never knew if the monster stuck around with Mom, but I also realized it didn’t matter anyway. I was too absorbed in my new life to care about it anymore. I convinced myself that Mom had chosen that life and would never change.
Lucinda was doing fine, and when we returned during the second Christmas holiday, she had a guy living with her. Mark was…nice, though quite reserved and quiet. Jaxon hated him right off the bat, but that was to be expected, and Mark seemed to be well aware of the animosity; as if he was forewarned, and I’m sure he was.
Regardless, Lucinda seemed happy with him, and that was all that mattered to me. The stay was short, and it was awkward with Jaxon giving him death glares every chance he got, but we ate good food, enjoyed our small presents, and took tons of photos as a family. It really struck me right then and there just how much these two people meant to me. Lucinda had taken me in with open arms as a child, and she had been my mother in every way my own mom wasn’t. I dreaded to think what life would have been like without her.
But the change had occurred toward the end of that Christmas break before our way back from Gosnells. After a laid back week catching up with Lucinda, she had drilled into me the need for independency. She’d said things that altered my perception, and I believed she did it out of love.
“I know how close you and Jaxon are, Sara,” she’d said when we were alone one evening. “I’ve been there with Jaxon’s father.” Lucinda never talked about Jaxon’s father, so this got my attention. “We were very much in love, but I was dependent on him, and when he unexpectedly left me, I had to start from scratch. I was four months pregnant with Jaxon with no plans, no education, nothing under my belt to carry me through. It was hard. I trusted him, and he used to tell me how much I was his everything. For him to go against everything I believed in, it was a shock and a heart break that I would do anything to prevent you from ever experiencing.
“I love Jaxon with every fiber of my being, but he’s going to make mistakes, and I don’t want him to have the power to hurt you like his father hurt me. You need to take care of yourself. You’re young and you’re learning, and that combination in a relationship can be toxic. Look after yourself first and foremost, and listen to your head more than your heart.”
Listen to my head more than my heart? I slept on that thought nestled in Jaxon’s arms. It kept me up most of the night. I wished I knew what happened between Lucinda and Jaxon’s father. What would have caused someone in a loving relationship to just up and go? That would never happen to Jaxon and me. He was so deeply in love with me, wanted me every moment I was around him, it was impossible he would follow in his father’s footsteps. Right?
I fought tears when I realized I was exactly in the same position as his mother. Vulnerable of heart ache, I’d willingly given Jaxon my heart without even thinking of what it might cost me. Stupid, foolish girl! How could I be so naïve? She was right. I was going down the same road she did allowing someone else the complete control of my affections. I couldn’t be that way anymore. I had to preserve a piece of myself in case he did hurt me.
Right before we left, Lucinda gave me a hug that lingered longer than usual. It was as if to say, ‘In case I don’t see you again, I love you.’ But of course I would see her again. This shift in her pulled on my heart strings and had me gulping back a sob. What was her problem?
Jaxon, oblivious to our chat and to this change in behavior, gave her a hug, glared at Mark one last time, and jumped into his seat, holding my hand after he started the car and began our journey back to Winthrop. He was a bright star, raining his shine down on my mood and lifting me up to his level, making me forget the sad goodbye Lucinda had given me.
In hindsight, now that I look back on it, that ride home was the start of our chaotic relationship. It literally began when I opened my mouth and declared, “So I’ve been thinking, I get a few nights a week free, and I want to put them to good use. Figured it would be time well spent if I landed a job and started making my own money.”
I looked over at Jaxon and studied his expression. His eyebrows scrunched together in thought, and then he leaned over and turned off the radio. “Can I ask why, babe?” I couldn’t decipher his mood in that monotone voice of his.
I shrugged. “Well, for one, I think it’ll be good to bring in some more income.”
“Is there something you want in particular that you think I can’t afford to get you? I promise, Tiny, whatever it is, I’m sure I can get it.”
I shook my head. “No, Jaxon, there’s nothing I want.”
Now he was confused. “We’re doing really well. We’re not struggling financially. My job makes fuck- all, but I swear, Sara, I’ve got a lot stashed away from… Well, you know what from. So don’t sweat it.”
I sighed. This was his way of dropping the subject and getting his way. An unjustifiable anger bubbled in my chest at his nonchalant demeanor. “Jaxon,” I started again, trying to rid the edge in my tone, “I want to get a job for myself. When I said money, I meant that was a perk – you know, getting more income into the bank. But it’s really about me branching off and paving my own way.”