“Branching off?” He tore his eyes off the road and at me. I saw his eyes widen and a note of panic flicker.
“Not like that,” I hastily said, squeezing his hand tight. “I love you more than anything, you know that. What I mean is, I want to contribute and earn my own money and be a little independent.”
He let go of my hand and raked it through his hair. He was looking more and more uncomfortable by the second, returning his conflicted gaze to the road.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I demanded, irritated by his silence.
“Give me a second,” he muttered, moving into the emergency lane on the side of the busy road.
“You’re seriously stopping the car?” I rolled my eyes. “Fuck’s sake, Jaxon, I should have just waited until we were home to bring this shit up.”
He ignored my irrationally rude comment and turned the car off.
“Are you gonna talk or what?” I exploded, throwing my hands up in the air.
Jaxon, bless his heart, ignored that as well. He turned to me, licking his lips like he did when he was heavy in thought, and said, “I know you love me, but I get scared sometimes that this is too good to be true.” I rolled my eyes again. “You’re my world, Sara. You always were the most central part of my life.” Fuck’s sake, just tell me why you’re upset! I screamed internally.
He sighed and grabbed my hand. As if reading my mind, he said, “The reason I’m upset is because I feel like we don’t spend enough time together as it is. I work five days a week from eight til five, and I’m not complaining about that, but the days are long and I get tired, dirty and sweaty as fuck. The guys are great, don’t get me wrong, and the owner loves me, so there’s no pressure there, but all fucking day I count down the minutes until I get to see you. And even when I do come home, sometimes you’re still at school, and other times you’re out with Lexi. Again, I’m not complaining, but I value our time together more than anything.
“I can understand you want to get a job, but then you’ll be gone more days and with your school work and my own work, I just feel like it’ll be stripping the valuable time we could be spending together. Life is only short, and I’ve come to realize that during my apprenticeship. I don’t care about money anymore. I don’t care about making it big or any of those stupid foolish dreams I had when I was a kid. I care about you, and I care about us, and that’s what’s important. I mean, you’ll be working when you get out of college, anyway. What’s the rush?”
What’s the rush? I ripped my hand away from his, cursing under my breath. “I can’t believe you’re playing the guilt trip thing on me, Jaxon!”
“Guilt trip?”
“Yes, you’re trying to make me feel guilty, trying to get your way like usual.”
He stared incredulously at me. “I’ve just bared my heart to you, and all you take away from it is me guilt tripping you?”
“Because you’re being ridiculous! Going all emotional on me like I’ve done you wrong when all I want is to get a job! You can’t force me not to, Jaxon!”
“You’re absolutely right. I can’t force you, but Sara, when have I ever forced you to do anything you didn’t want? Come on, baby, you’re being irrational.”
“Don’t tell me I’m being irrational! You’re the one that decided to get all shitty about this!”
“I’m being honest and telling you that I’m upset for–”
“For no fucking reason! I’ve had it!” I opened the door and stormed out, wading into the long grassy field beside the road.
“Sara, stop!” I heard him yell. Then I felt his hand around my arm and he tugged me to him while all I wanted to do was shove him away and scream. He cradled me into his chest even though I tried to wiggle my way out. “Stop fighting me! I didn’t want to argue.”
“You’re the one that decided to argue!” I roared into his chest, shaking with an anger that was foreign to me.
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. You want to get a job, then get a job, baby. You can do that. I shouldn’t have been upset. Alright? Don’t be angry with me. I love you.”
I felt entitled to that apology, which I would much later on admit was utterly ridiculous.
“Come back to the car. When we get home, you can do up a resume and everything. Does that sound okay?”
I heaved a shrug, acting like an insolent child that got her way but didn’t want to show how giddy that made me. I let him lead me back to the car.
The rest of the journey home was in silence with me festering in that unfamiliar anger, and him holding my hand tightly like he was afraid to let go.
Eight
I got what I wanted: a job. It didn’t take me long at all. Lexi recommended me to her boss at the bar she was working as a casual at. She told me he liked young, pretty girls because eye candy was good for business. They had me wearing this annoyingly tight white top with the bar’s name “Bar None” on it, and matching tiny white shorts.
Waitressing was an entirely new territory for me since all I’d done were cashier jobs. However, after I adjusted to being on my feet so much, I got used to the hustle and bustle that came with the job.
Jaxon tried to be happy about my part time job, but I could see he was torn up about it. I felt frequently guilty for hurting his feelings and leading him to believe I’d rather be working instead of being with him. He just needed to realize I had to do it for myself, even though sometimes I couldn’t understand it either.
Individual independence. That’s what this was. Lucinda’s words echoed into my brain, planted like a seed so deep, it took root and spread, becoming my top priority. I remembered the joy I used to get in high school when I got my pay-check every week. It made me smile and want to pat myself ten million times on the back. I didn’t need Jaxon’s dirty money when I could make my own now without the dirty associated with it.
I worked three nights a week, and while they did interrupt what was once our usual routine, I felt like I was still seeing Jaxon enough that I wasn’t going crazy without him. He took what he could get, waiting up for me when I got home from the bar, which was sometimes in the dead of the night. He never pushed for sex, never argued or complained about my job. He simply cradled me in his arms and listened to me talk.
“How was Lexi tonight?” he asked one time when I’d come home and crashed in bed next to him.
“She wasn’t in tonight,” I answered.
He stiffened next to me. “Who dropped you off?”
“Tracey. She lives down the street.”
He sighed. “You know you can ask me to pick you up anytime, right?”
“I know, Jax, but I feel too guilty making you come out when I know you’re dog tired.”
“I’m never too tired for you.” It was the affection in his voice, so genuine with love for me that made me forget about independence sometimes. It reminded me there was an Us, too, and I had to stop with this mad obsession of getting ahead “just in case”.
“I love you, Jaxon,” I softly whispered, turning over so that I was facing him. We were side by side and I could see him clear as day with the moonlight streaming through the window. Sometimes I never paid enough attention to his beauty. He could have any girl he wanted, and yet he was here, in bed with me, dealing with a change in me that would become more and more unpredictable.