“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It wasn’t personal. There was no warmth behind it. He… was quick about it, like he didn’t want to, you know… take his time.”
Daniel’s face darkened. “Didn’t try and please you, you mean.” I didn’t say anything to that. “So he took advantage of you.”
“What? No! I’m the one that initiated it.”
“Because you were traumatized by the attack and vulnerable. You were seeking safety.”
“Don’t make an excuse for me. I don’t deserve an excuse.”
He shook his head. “You were vulnerable, Sara, and you probably weren’t in the right frame of mind, and he took advantage of that. Fuck’s sake, he knew you were taken, did he not?” When I didn’t respond, he glared. “Did he not?”
“Well, yeah, but–”
“So you were attacked by a low life drunk, you were scared and vulnerable, seeking safety, not in the right frame of mind, wanted to be comforted and then you made the move because you regarded him as your rescuer. Instead of being a man with some good fucking manners, he took advantage of that, and what does the asshole do? Doesn’t even care to pleasure you in the process. All the while knowing you had a guy waiting for you at home.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I kept shaking my head at his words, completely disagreeing at everything he was saying. Yeah, I needed to be comforted. Yeah, I felt safe in Jaxon’s arms, but I felt desire for him too. It wasn’t because I was vulnerable and had some kind of sudden sexual fixation with my rescuer. Daniel was making excuses for me because he cared and didn’t want to think the worst of me, which made this entire situation even harder.
And the sex? Well, Jaxon was angry at me and he was expressing that anger, and although there was no personal connection there, I still enjoyed it. I didn’t even regret it as bad as that might make me sound.
“Don’t be angry at him,” I said quietly. “I’m the one that did it, Daniel, and you have every right to hate me and leave me. I don’t deserve you.”
He didn’t speak for several minutes, but as every minute ticked by, his face softened more and more.
To be honest, I thought this was going be uglier than it turned out. I underestimated him. Daniel Hale was truly a remarkable guy.
“I can’t hate you,” he finally spoke, softly. “We’ve been doing this for two years now and I haven’t once bridged the gap between us. I can’t even call what we have a relationship. You have needs too, you know? And yeah, we’ve been burned before, but it was wrong to withhold the emotional element in our… weird arrangement. I should have tended to you more, and stopped being such a coward about wanting you as more. Ironically, it’s partly why I decided to come here. I’ve been missing you like fucking crazy. You’re in my head all day long, and I’d been going nuts without you. I came here to initiate the start of a real relationship. Leaving you to come here alone was such a foolish mistake. What the fuck was I thinking sending someone I deeply care about to tend to her dead mother’s affairs all by herself? To boot you’ve got yourself a Scorpion on your back wanting you. I’ve been an absolute asshole. Fuck!”
He raked both hands through his messy black hair and exhaled loudly. “If I’d come here and been the moral support you’d needed, and not just as your lover, but as your boyfriend, then we would have avoided all this shit. That whole altercation, and its… aftermath, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t deserve you. I can’t…I can’t think that after last night I deserve you.”
“I still want you, Sara. I still want all those things.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t deserve you.”
He exhaled in frustration. “See, that’s the problem. You believe in your own bullshit. You believe that you don’t deserve happiness, so you reject it, and then it costs you happiness. It’s wrong.”
“But I don’t know if…” If what? I wanted him? I paused then and closed my mouth shut.
“You don’t know what? Just say it.”
I couldn’t say it because even I was confused with myself.
“Look, I can see you need some time to yourself. Maybe you should stick around for a couple more days and get your head sorted out. Lucinda’s a lovely woman, and you’re here in your hometown. Maybe you should visit your mother’s grave and then figure out this shit with… him.” He wouldn’t say Jaxon’s name, but his nostrils flared as he thought of him.
I nodded in agreement, knowing that was the right route to take for now. He stood up and made his way over to me. Then he plopped down and brought me into his chest, stroking my hair as I rested my cheek against him. This was the exact position I’d been in with Jaxon, I realized. Only… it was all wrong somehow. Daniel gave me comfort, but the desire wasn’t there.
The rest of the day went by quietly. I was ninety percent done by the time it started to darken outside. The only things I hadn’t touched were those boxes.
“Are you going to open them?” Daniel asked.
“Not yet. I’ll… do it tomorrow.” I kept knocking this stupid chore for “tomorrow.” I couldn’t admit that I was terrified of how personal it was going to be sorting through them. I just knew that they would be if she’d placed them so securely in boxes in this room. It had to be something important, and I wasn’t up for that yet.
“Did you want me to drop you back off at Lucinda’s house?” Daniel said as we walked back to the car.
I looked at him in confusion. “Aren’t you staying the night?”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” There was apprehension in his demeanor as the thought crossed his mind.
“Where are you going to go, then? We can find a room–”
“I think I’ll drive back home. I sort of cancelled a whole bunch of appointments today, and to do that again tomorrow would be unwise.”
I didn’t reply as I got into the car. Despite everything, he was still affectionate on our way back. He stroked my hand and held it in his as he drove.
When we got to the house, he stopped at the driveway and brought my hand to his lips for a soft kiss. “I meant it when I said I still want you,” he whispered. “I’ll be waiting for you at home, okay?”
I nodded. “I’m sorry for everything, Daniel.”
“Get the answers you need and come back to me. We’ll sort it out.”
“I will.”
“Promise me you’ll come back.”
I looked at him in the dark. He was anxiously staring at me with parted lips. I stroked his cheek, trying to keep the hesitation at bay. “I promise.”
He watched me climb out and make my way to the front door. I looked over at him once and waved, and then he waved back and backed out of the driveway.
When he was gone, I rang the doorbell, but there was no answer. I opened my purse and pulled out the house key. I went to put it in when a hand touched my arm.
“Hey.” I nearly jumped out of my skin, screaming before recognizing the voice. I looked up at Jaxon who’d come out of… just where, exactly?