“My boy put it there,” Blackie says, cradling Jacqueline with one arm as he stretches out the other and knocks his fist against Danny’s.
“I got your bag out of the car,” my dad says, holding up the duffel bag we forgot about the second we arrived in the hospital.
“Oh good, give me that,” I tell him, sitting up to make room on the bed for the bag. He lays it next to me and I draw open the zipper, pulling out big headbands, baby hats, frilly onesies, and one too many tutus.
“Jesus Christ, what is all that shit?” Deuce asks, lifting a headband. “Is this a baby thong?”
“It’s a headband you jackass,” Cobra replies, smacking him upside the head. “You’ve got two nieces and you don’t know what that is?”
Finding the pink plush stuffed animal, I pluck it from the bag. I hated this thing because it served as a reminder that my husband wouldn’t be present for the most important day of our life, but it was also the first thing I packed for the hospital.
I glance at the little tag that reads Team Girl and smile. I didn’t have the pregnancy most woman dream about, but in the end, I got the most precious little girl and that’s a dream come true in itself. I turn to Blackie and watch as he stares at the teddy bear in my hands. Tears prick his eyes, but they don’t fall.
There is no reason for us to be sad anymore.
No reason for tears.
From this day forward, only happiness for us and our little family.
“You can give it to her yourself,” I whisper, holding it out for him to take. Lifting his eyes to me, he takes the stuffed animal and I watch as my sweet girl receives her first gift from the first man she’ll ever love.
A pink teddy bear from her daddy.
But the greatest gift is having him here to give it to her.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Blackie
Two days after Jacqueline was born, she and Lacey were released from the hospital. Luckily, I had reached out to Riggs a couple of weeks ago, asking him to get our house in order for our daughter’s arrival. Aside from making sure, there were no traces of the mess Javier’s men had left behind, I asked him to replicate the nursery in Jack’s house. Without anyone knowing, he took my request one step further and purchased duplicates of everything on the registry, making sure our home was fully prepared for our new addition. I don’t know where he and Lauren found the time, but all Jacqueline’s clothes were washed, every bottle was sterilized, and we had a stockpile of diapers in the garage.
It was a little overwhelming at first. I mean, the last time I was in my house there were only traces of me and Lacey. Now, there was something of Jacqueline’s in every room. I had no idea a baby needed so many things and to be honest, I’m not even sure what half of them do, but I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it.
On top of making sure we had everything, we needed for Jacqueline, Riggs, and Lauren decorated the outside of our house. There was a big ass stork on the front lawn when we pulled up and pink balloons tied to the banister leading to the front door. I didn’t need to think very hard about who I was going to ask to baptize my daughter. There was no question, Riggs and Lauren deserved the honor of being Jacqueline’s godparents. Hell, they fucking earned it.
For the first few days, we were bombarded with visitors. All my brothers and their wives stopped in, Grace Pastore and my unlikely ally, Anthony Bianci too. I thanked him for everything he did to help me retain Schwartz and made sure he knew I had every intention of returning the favor. Anything the former mob enforcer needs, all he has to do is ask.
The biggest surprise was when Schwartz showed up. I figured he had come to update me on Bishop’s case but there was no change since the judge delayed court for another month, but he came bearing a gift and asked to hold the baby. His gift was a tree. He claims he did it so Sunny would stop soliciting him, but the tree was donated to the rehab center in Jacqueline’s honor.
The parade of visitors slowed and soon it was just me, Lacey and the baby. We quickly learned life with a newborn is exhausting. It’s also fucking amazing. She has her days and nights confused but she discovers something new daily and she’s already changed so much. Her eyes have gone from gray to brown and she loves it when I dance with her to her mommy’s favorite song, Leather and Lace. It’s actually the only thing that calms her. Everyone says I’m spoiling her by always holding her, but I don’t care. I said I was never going to let her go and I don’t have any intention of ever going against my word.
Especially when I think her mom is having a hard time adjusting. I started noticing the change in my wife about two weeks after we came home. At first, I chalked it up to her being exhausted, but as the days went on and I became the one mostly caring for our daughter, I began to worry. She had opted not to breastfeed and was back on her normal dosage of Lithium, but something was off. The euphoria that came with being a new mom wasn’t there.
In the back of my head, I started to wonder if the things I feared would happen were becoming our reality. Aside from the heart defects, the biggest concern of Lacey being off her meds while pregnant was her suffering post-partum depression after the baby was born. The signs were all there. The irritability, fatigue, excessive crying, and severe mood swings.
There were even days where she wouldn’t touch her. It was almost as if she was afraid, she’d hurt her. Those were the days she usually called Reina or her mom over. After they gushed over our girl, Lacey would do something simple, like make a bottle. If she was really feeling brave, she’d change Jacqueline’s diaper. But she never picked her up just to feel her like I did. She never went to her in the middle of the night because she missed her. She barely even looked at her.
It didn’t really sink in, though, until this very moment. The sound of Jacqueline’s cries vibrate through the house as I slam the front door close, hurrying into the living room. Finding Lacey sitting on the couch with tears streaming down her face, my body goes completely still for a second. She doesn’t make a move to lift our screaming daughter from the playpen forcing me to snap out of my trance and jump into action. Closing the space between me and Jacqueline, I bend over the side of the playpen and lift her into my arms.
“Shh…daddy’s here, baby. I got you,” I murmur softly as I take her in.
Her eyes are swollen, and her chubby face is all blotchy from crying and screaming at the top of her lungs. Anger courses through me as I try to calm her down.
“Please, make her stop…she won’t stop crying…” Lacey cries, lifting her hands to cover her ears. “Something is wrong with her.”
I stare at her furiously for a moment, not believing my eyes and ears.
“Nothing is wrong with her,” I snap. “For fuck’s sake, Lacey, she just wants to be held.”
“Then why is she still crying?” she wails. “You’re holding her!”
“Maybe she wants her mother, did you ever think of that?” I shout.
My daughter cries harder and I instantly regret raising my voice. I rock her gently, softly whispering in her ear, assuring her that she’s okay.
That she’s loved.
Soon, she calms down and I’m not sure if it’s because of anything I’ve done or if she’s exhausted herself. I change her diaper and fix her a bottle, but I don’t give it to her. Instead, I walk back into the living room and drop it on Lacey’s lap. She stares up at me with a tortured expression on her face and guilt swarms me. For so long it was just me and her, battling our demons. Now, my need to protect Jacqueline is overruling my ability to detect when my wife needs me to see her out of the darkness.