The thing is, until now, I’ve been too preoccupied taking care of my little brother to entertain the crazy living inside of me. With Reina still in a coma and my father sitting vigil at her side, I need to keep my head straight for Danny. My husband isn’t here to stop me from unraveling and my maker is a persistent bitch. She won’t quit until she’s sucked every drop of sanity from me.
I peel my hands away from my face and force my eyes open as I draw in a deep breath. I count to ten and will my head to find peace when I hear the judge call the next case. My eyes follow the court officer as he walks towards the door and when it opens my breath catches. My heart hammers against my chest and my palms grow sleek with sweat. First to enter the room is Schwartz, sharply dressed, with a smug smile on his face. He tips his chin to the judge before making his way to the defense table.
Then I see him.
My Leather.
Dressed in the same clothes he wore when he placed his hand on my stomach and promised everything would be okay, he walks with his head down and his wrists cuffed. There are two guards on either side of him and they lead him to where Schwartz stands, unpacking his briefcase.
I silently plead with him to lift his head. To look me in the eye and see all the heartache he’s caused.
To remember our love.
For that love to be enough.
It’s one final plea for me to him.
To be the man he promised me he’d be.
Choose me.
His brown eyes never find mine and the air rushes from my lungs as he gives me his back and stands beside his lawyer. I brace my hands on the back of the bench in front of me and try not to give in to the tears. I think back to my childhood bedroom and the two masks that still hang from my mirror. One depicts the face of happiness and stands for strength. The other mimics sadness and symbolizes fragility. I so badly want to snap my fingers and fix the mask to my face, show the world I’m stronger than everyone thinks I am. Especially the man standing with his back to me. The man I gave my heart to. More than anything I want to prove he didn’t break me.
But I’m not that girl.
I don’t know if she’s lost, if I dreamt her or if she ever existed.
All I am is a shell of a woman, trying to figure out how to breathe.
A woman trying to survive the pain.
The honorable Judge Schneider recites all the charges before lifting her steely gaze to Schwartz.
“Have you discussed the charges set forth with your client, Mr. Schwartz?”
“I have your honor, but if I may, I’d like to approach the bench in regard to the evidence or rather lack of evidence associated with the second count of murder and the disappearance of Tanya Miner.”
“Very well,” the judge says, turning towards the prosecution. The evil district attorney, Ritzer, approaches the bench with Schwartz and as they convene my eyes wander back to Blackie. His shoulders slump and he hesitantly turns his head. My breath hitches with anticipation, but before his eyes can meet mine, he comes to a stop.
Schwartz and Ritzer break from the bench and I watch as my husband’s attorney glances at the back of the courtroom. Before he moves to stand next to Blackie, he winks at the person who has caught his attention and I quickly glance over my shoulder, spying Anthony Bianci in the back row. I’m confused as to why Schwartz would wink at Wolf’s newfound stepson and the former mob enforcer, but Anthony pays me no mind and gives nothing away.
The judge begins to speak to the court, taking everyone by surprise as she dismisses one of the counts of murder against him and the charges associated with the disappearance of Tanya Miner. With only one outstanding count of murder and possession of an illegal firearm on the table, Judge Schneider continues, honing in on Blackie.
“Mr. Petra, do you wish to enter a plea at this time to the charges in the indictment?”
My heart goes still as Blackie addresses the court.
“Yes, your honor. I plead not guilty,” he says, shocking me.
Hope springs inside of me as I lean forward and watch as the scene plays out. Since Ritzer arrested him, I assumed Blackie would plead guilty to the charges, that he’d sign his life away to the cause. I never expected him to fight. Maybe that’s because he’s always setting himself up to fail.
The judge turns to the prosecution, asking them if they have enough evidence to move to trial. Ritzer and his team respond, spewing a bunch of legal terminologies. I tune them out and focus on Blackie, watching as he leans into Schwartz and whispers something in his ear. The lawyer nods and pats him on the back. They continue to speak in hushed tones, and I feel myself start to unravel.
Schwartz stands and addresses the court, citing the defense is ready for trial and makes a request for bail. The prosecution objects, arguing Blackie is a former felon and a flight risk. Ritzer proceeds to remind the court that there was an APB out on him only a week ago.
“In light of Mr. Petra’s record the motion for bail is denied,” Judge Schneider declares. Panic engulfs me and I turn to Riggs.
“What happens now?” I whisper, feeling my stomach roll with nausea.
“They’ll take him to Ryker’s until the trial is over,” he replies, looking over my head towards Wolf. “We’re going to need to find him protection, you realize that, right?”
“Protection?” I hiss, snapping my eyes back to Wolf. “What does that even mean?”
Patting my knee like I’m a child throwing a tantrum, Wolf glares at Riggs.
“Not your concern, sweetheart,” he says, clenching his teeth. “You just worry about that baby of yours and we’ll worry about everything else.”
I don’t know what it is about those words, but they make my blood boil. My fists clench and I glare at the man.
“Don’t tell me to worry about my baby and don’t you dare dismiss my concerns when it comes to my husband.”
“Honey, calm down,” he whispers harshly.
“No,” I spat. “I deserve to know what’s going on.”
As the words leave my lips, I realize my anger is misplaced. It’s not Wolf keeping me in the dark, it’s my husband.
People can say a lot of things about my father, they can call him a lot of names, but they can’t discredit him as a husband or the fact that he respects his wife. Through sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, in good times and bad, my father has always clued Reina in on any major life decisions. It’s what a man does when he takes a wife and makes her his partner for life. It’s what a man does when he realizes he’s one half of a unit.
I guess that’s another lesson Blackie was waiting for my father to teach him.
It’s an unsettling truth, and it makes me think he doesn’t see me as his equal, that he doesn’t value me as his partner.
It makes me doubt everything about our marriage.
Every damn thing.
I used to think I was just a job to Blackie. After all, isn’t that how we began? My dad ordered him to protect me and I threw myself at him. I knew he wasn’t stable, that he was still grieving his wife and struggling with addiction, but I didn’t care. I saw something I wanted, and I took it. Then, I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My maker tried to warn me loving him was a mistake. She told me he didn’t truly care about me, that I was just another notch on his belt and he’d never love me. I rejoiced when he asked me to marry him and thought we proved my maker wrong.