With nothing else to do, life goes on.
I try to keep going to school, but I find myself completely unfocused on it. I walk on campus and sit in classes, and it feels like an entirely different world than the one I’m living in now.
Everyone around me is talking about midterms and student loans and where they’re going on vacation, and all I can think about is how a few days ago, I had a gun in my hand and someone was shooting at me.
I feel like there’s a wall between me and everyone else, and it makes it hard to even listen to what they’re saying. My professors lecture on, the same as always, and I pretend to pay attention, but my notebook stays empty of notes, and I can’t do more than watch them move back and forth in front of the classroom, the sound of the lectures coming through like they’re muffled by everything else in my head.
And then there’s Scarlett.
No one else really seems to have noticed I was gone, and if they did they don’t really care, but of course Scarlett does. As soon as she sees me on Monday, she makes a beeline for me across the quad, practically shoving people out of her way in her hurry to get to my side.
I stand still and wait, knowing if I try to dodge her, she’ll just dig in harder. I love that about her, even if it’s a little inconvenient right now.
“There you are!” she says as soon as she’s close to me. She looks around, like she’s trying to make sure no one is close enough to overhear us, but I know she’s really checking to make sure Levi isn’t nearby. He’s technically still there, since he always is when I’m on campus, but when he sees Scarlett coming over, he steps back a few feet, giving us some privacy. Or at least the semblance of it. He can probably still hear everything we’re saying, and Scarlett gives him a wary look before turning her back on him and giving me her full attention.
“What the hell has been going on?” she asks. “Where have you been?”
“I needed a couple of days to myself,” I say. It’s not really a lie, even if I was never really actually alone for it.
Scarlett narrows her eyes and looks me over. “Okay. So answer my first question. What’s going on? With… you know.”
There are too many people around us, so I grab Scarlett’s arm and tug her a bit away, leading her to walk with me down a quieter path off to the side of the administration building. “It’s…” I trail off, trying to think of how to best answer her question. “Things are different now. The plan changed.”
“What? Why? What happened?”
“I was wrong. About a lot of things. But the main thing is I’m not trying to take them down any more. I was wrong about them, but I…” My shoulders lift in a half shrug. “There’s not a lot more I can say than that.”
I glance over my shoulder to where Levi is lingering behind us, trying to give us privacy while not getting too far away. He just raises an eyebrow at me, and I turn back around.
Scarlett is giving me a look that tells me she knows there’s more going on than what I’m telling her, and she’s worried about it. I hate making her worry. I wish I could tell her everything. Just the two of us with coffee—or something a hell of a lot stronger—and me giving her the run-down on everything that’s happened, from my dad still being alive to Sloan trying to kill me to the confusing mess of my feelings now. I always feel better after talking to Scar, but I don’t want to drag her into this and put her in danger. I’m a Black Rose now, and I have to protect my loved ones. The way Rory does.
“You’re okay, though?” Scarlett asks.
I nod. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“You’re not telling me everything.”
“I can’t, Scar,” I tell her. “It’s… complicated.”
“I hate that word,” she complains with a pout. “That’s such a bullshit word. It’s just there to slap on as a label when you don’t want to deal with things.”
I have to laugh because she’s right. It’s a catch-all kind of word for when there’s more to say, but no space to say it.
“Let’s just say I was wrong about what I thought I saw,” I tell her, knowing she can fill in at least some of the blanks from there. “And because of some circumstances and shit, I joined the Black Roses.”
I should probably have left that part out, judging from how Scarlett’s eyes go wide and her eyebrows climb up her forehead.
“You did what?” she hisses. “Mercy!”
“It was the best option at the time, Scarlett.”
“How could it be?” she demands, voice still quiet but going a little shrill. “You’re getting dragged deeper and deeper into this. What’s going to happen when you can’t get back out?”
I don’t know how to tell her that it’s likely too late to even consider that an option. There’s probably no way out now. I can’t explain that my options at the time were to join the Black Roses or get killed by Sloan’s dad. I don’t want to worry her more, and anything I say will probably just set her off. She’s my best friend, and she doesn’t want to see me get hurt, even if she doesn’t already know how close I came to getting fucking killed.
“It’s going to be okay,” I promise. “Things are definitely better than they were before. Trust me.”
She still looks skeptical, and she turns to look at Levi again. He’s doing his best Sloan impression, trying to keep his expression neutral, but he’s not as good at it as Sloan is, so I know he’s heard the whole thing.
“If you’re one of them now, then why is he still here?” Scarlett asks, jerking her head in Levi’s direction. “He was supposed to keep you from running away, right? But you’re not going to do that now that they’ve brought you into the fold or whatever.”
She sounds bitter about it, but it is a good question. One I don’t know the answer to. I didn’t think about it before, but with me joining up, Levi could have his weekdays back, and be free from following me around campus.
But maybe… maybe now it isn’t to make sure I don’t run. They all know by now that I wouldn’t. Now it has to be about something else.
Like making sure I’m safe.
When I look at Levi again, he’s gazing right back at me, and I feel a sudden certainty that I’m right. The thought does something to me, making a tender feeling expand in my chest. My knee-jerk reaction is to try to push soft feelings away, to keep the walls around my heart sturdy and intact. But that’s getting harder and harder to do around the three men who were once my enemies.
Fucking hell. I’m in way deeper than I thought, aren’t I?
The rest of the week passes, and that “calm before the storm” feeling doesn’t go away. Every day is the same routine, and every time we get back home at the end of it, I can’t help but feel like something’s coming. It feels big, like it’s just looming on the horizon, and every time it doesn’t happen, I feel like I’m still holding my breath waiting for it.
By the time Friday rolls around, I’m ready for it to be the weekend. Scarlett has been watching me like a hawk, like she’s afraid if she doesn’t I’ll disappear or something horrible will happen. I understand her worry, but it makes it even harder to keep things from her.